money and responsible actions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
money and responsible actions
5
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:54pm
i have been in a serious relationship for about 5 years.In those 5 years i have done my best to keep my stbw spending down to normal but to no avail.In the last 5 years she has spent over 30,000 in home projects such as bathroom, bedroom,and basement. She has now spent her last of her second mortage money and is now broke. These projects were done because her daughter who lives with the father wanted to do the same thing that she has done to her fathers house. Her father has real money and doesnt think anything about doing it. The daughter goes to school and doesnt work because the father just gives her money with no strings attached. Well this spending has taken its toll on this relationship.In fact it has bought it to a probable end.I have paid for everything and i mean everything such as a trip to paris, various cruises, never once have i asked her spend her money never once.I have paid the mortage since day one,and yes i lived there si i felt it was just the right thing to do.Please note i have paid for alot of other items and never once did i feel it was wrong.So now it has come down to this,she said i want nice things, and i will have them with or without you Her remarkes to me was, we dont want the same things.She also said i got myself into this mess and i will get my self out of it. As of today she has gotten a secong job.Btw i could pay off all of her debt in a second,What would cause her to keep on spending and spending like there is no tommorrow.I have been blessed with a very good job and i am very hard working,Please know that i can pay off all her mortages and credit card debt in a minute. My reason for this post is to get a womans thought about this spending
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:00pm
Hi,

Her spending problems are her problems. She has to deal with them herself. It's great that she got a 2nd job...I hope she can dig herself out of this mess she has landed herself in. Very irresponsible of her, especially since she has a daughter that she should be setting an example for. DON'T you DARE pay off her bills. You have worked hard for your money, and it won't teach her the lesson she needs. And ya know what? Stop spending money on her....go on dates where she can at least pay half....a movie if need be. Get her to live life within her means. She needs to be brought back down to earth.

Now. I LOVE to go shopping. And right now, in the midst of a break up, I'm spending a bit too much. But I know that, it stresses me out, and so I make the effort and I stop (but there's this scarf I really really want....sigh....gotta refrain!). Thing is, I use spending money as a bandaid. Sounds like your girl doesn't need to be spending all this money....what is she trying to prove? Maybe she needs to take a closer look herself....

Hope some of this helped...just my 2 cents

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:23pm
Thank you so much for your reply, This is so hard for me because i am not a kid anymore having reach the half century OUCH. This girl didnt spend it on herself she spent it on her and i thought my home also.Her favorite anwser to everything is i am making this house the way that i want it. Her daughter god forbid if she came over and said hey lets put in a swimming pool you can bet your last dollar that it would be done in very fast order. Everything in the home has either been replaced or installed with new.This girl is going to fall, big time and it just hurts so bad. She doesnt even own a car. She is driving my brothers car while he is overseas.i have tried to talk to her over and over and everytime i have said please watch your spending i was told and i quote i bet everytime i want to do something to this house you are going to tell me about it hold it over my head,This was her last statement we want different things in our lives, you dont feel that you need things because thats just the way you are. In our years together so help me she has never and i mean never spent one cent for anything other than the house bills, electric, propane, phone, not once has she ever paid for a dinner, understand i am not complaing about it i just did it. And now i am told because i started a very large argument about her spending she said i need time to figure out her life. why why why
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:19am
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to hear your relationships had to end but it's understandable. It was bound to happen you can only take so much. It almost seems that she was more worried about material things then your relationship (at least it sounds like it from your post). I think you'll be happier not having to pay off someone's debt constantly. As for the spending thing....if you can't afford it.....then I don't think you should buy it....even if it is someone else's money paying it. I personally would feel to guilty to let my bf pay off debts like that. I wish you all the best and hope you'll keep us posted!! Good luck!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:36am
One you are not married to her, so it isn't your responiblity. Some times tough love is the hardest thing to give. If you really love her you'll let her learn from this mistake by letting her get herself out of it on her own. If she doesn't learn to stand on her on two feet she'll always be standing on yours or on someone elses. If i read right it isn't your house is it? So if you happen to break up with her what do you get from all the spending that you've done with and for her. Pride in the fact that you love her enough to spend money blindly on her. which would leave you with a big fat goose egg. You always do for yourself while doing for your partner. I'm not trying to say it's wrong to spend and do for the one you love, but you have to do it wisely. If you were to marry this young lady you'll never be able to retire. Think about it. Love is blind-- but don't let it make you stupid !
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:37am
Thank you for so much for your thoughts, I havent heard a word out of her in 3 weeks.I know she is working a second job about 20 hours a week. I still have alot of my clothes and personal things at her home and she has not bothered to call me about them, no big deal about the clothes, however what should i do about the automobile that she has.If i m take it away, she will have no way to get to work, believe me she cant get a laon for a car.She has good credit but way overextended, I just cant be a jerk, after reading so many of these posts i am in shock that people can treat other people the way they do. maybe its my age 50 OUCH but my god some people must wake up and say hey how can i screw over my spouse, or my stb. I just dont get it, and am i glad. once agin so many thanks for your response.The last email i recieved she said i need time to figure out what is best, and she said i did this to myself and i will work it out