A month today & still so sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
A month today & still so sad
13
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 11:36am
Hi, everyone. I've been reading these posts almost everyday since my bf of almost 4 years & I broke up exactly a month ago today. Although I've never posted my own story, there were so many other experiences here that were similar to mine, so I've found solace in all the advice - it has really helped me get through some of my funks. But today makes a month and I still think about him all the time - when I wake up, when I'm at work, when I'm with my family and friends. This is all so new to me - I have never had a problem moving on after a breakup, and there have been a few, but for some reason now I just can't shake this feeling. Maybe this is the first real relationship I've had? Maybe this is the first time I've ever truly loved someone? I thought I was so much stronger than this! We've been together for quite some time now - his family loved me, my family loved him. We've traveled so many places together and had such a great time. But we both have horrible tempers, and our arguments become screaming matches many times. We've broken up a few times over the past 4 yrs, but always just for a couple of days before one of us called the other and things were back to normal. I know it was unhealthy to do that, but we did let it become a cycle - fight, breakup, get back together and pretend that everything was ok. I realize now that we never addressed our issues and our inability to control our anger, which was a huge part of the reason things ended the way they did. So the last fight was just one too many. We argued (always over something stupid), started yelling at each other, and I pushed him hard against the wall and he just left. I regretted it immediately after it happened, and I knew he was fuming, but so was I. He called me the day after and told me he was so mad the previous night that he actually wanted to hit me and he was shaking the whole way home. He said that he didn't like that it got to that point, and he thought that we shouldn't be together - he said we tried, but we still fight all the time and he's tired of it. He asked me what I thought, and I (still angry at the time and as usual not really having the clarity of mind to try to talk things through) said that I agreed and we should breakup. So we did. Since then, he's sent me text msgs here and there and I'll respond, but it's never anything about us, just telling me about things that are going on with his family (there was always a problem with him when it came to his family). I've tried really hard not to call him and try to talk to him about everything because it doesn't seem like he wants to, and I've done really well so far - I've been keeping myself busy, but it still hurts like hell. I miss him sooo much - talking to him, touching him, being with his family. Was it stupid for us to just give up without really trying to work our problems out? Should I try to talk to him? Or were we right to think that our problems are not resolvable because it's who we are and we can't change that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 11:58am

You will get through this. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will.

You guys are both who you are, but people can change. But do you honestly think that you both can change? You need to think about this. I know 4 years is a long time, but sometimes, people aren't meant to be together.

I too was in a 4+ year relationship that ended 14 weeks ago. It was for very different reasons from yours, but it hurt all the same.

I can tell you with all honestly that it will get better. Before you know it you'll be thinking about how happy you are on your own. Yeah, you'll miss him, but the pain gradually fades away.

And maybe, just maybe one day you and your ex will be friends. My ex and I are trying the friends thing right now, but its kinda difficult for us as we both still have feelings for eachother, but we're not ready to be in a relationship again right now.

Keep yourself busy, rely on friends and family.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:16pm
Thanks for your response :) I've read your posts and you seem to really have it together. I know people can change to a certain extent, I just don't know how imbedded bad tempers are in a person's personality - in other words, is that something someone can change about themselves, or is it an intrinsic part of a person's character? Because we have already been able to work through a lot of the issues we had in the beginning (mainly trust issues), and that had gotten much better. And I noticed that he did change during our relationship from when we first met. For instance, he used to go out a lot, party with his friends all night and everything, but after we got together, he seemed to be perfectly content just vegging out at home with me. Not sure if this was a good or bad thing, but it felt good at the time. How do you know if you are meant to be together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:32pm

To know that you're meant to be with someone you feel it. Like I feel it with my ex, there's just always been something about him and something about our relationship that we can feel that it's right. And also, if you're meant to be with someone nothing can stop you from being with them, not even breaking up, if you're meant to be with him you'll end up back together.

I don't know if you can change your tempers. Tempers are a part of your personality. I think you can try and calm your tempers down, but not fully change them. And honestly you shouldn't have to change for a relationship to work. You should both accept eachother for who you are.

People can change but only if they truly want to change themselves and their lives and make the relationship work.

I too have a temper (I'm italian), but I've always managed to keep it under control.

Just take this time to yourself, follow your heart, and heal. And if it happens that you guys get back into contact great, if not, you'll find someone better.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:51pm
Your situation is very similar to something that happened between me and my ex about 3 years ago. We were dating for 2 1/2 years. He was my first love, I was his, we were infactuated with each other. Everything was great, except our tempers. It was weird because we loved each other so much, loved spending time together, but we fought regularly about stupid little things. We both had very bad tempers, I pushed him around once or twice, and just like your ex said, he wanted to hit me at times as well. It was so unhealthy. So....we broke up. At the time it was probably the best thing for both of us. Now, we are good friends. But of course, a part of me still wants to be with him and wishes we had of tried harder to work things out. Now, my anger is so much better. I dont personally know what his is like in a relationship, but I can speak for myself that my anger issues/temper did change. I have had relationships with other men and I couldnt imagine screaming or yelling like I used to with my ex. Im just not that person anymore. Maybe it was the break up with my ex that actually changed my ways....who knows? But people can change if they want to. I dont think you two could get back together and change immediately, that would not work. You could have tried taking a break. Or seeing each other less. That may or may not have worked. But I am a true believer in changing ones attitude. It happened to me....so its not inbedded in your genes and impossible to change, it is just something you have to work on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 3:00pm
Thank you so much for the insight. I'm so glad that someone can identify with this problem, so I know I'm not just a lunatic. I hate to think that holding down a longterm relationship is impossible because of my attitude. I want so much to change my ways, and now I will start trying to do that...I just wish I could have worked harder to control my anger throughout this most recent relationship, but I guess I have to accept the fact that it can't be fixed, right? Thanks again...it really gives me a little hope, not necessarily for this relationship, but for myself in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:16pm

Hi again,

I dont believe your current (or most recent) relationship is over. If you two both still WANT to work things out, then why not? But you have to try a different approach. Maybe take a break first for a month. Or if you do get back together right away, spend less time together. Count to ten before you say something you think you might regret....anything!!! You will find something that works if you truly want to be with this man. Same goes for him. If you both put your best effort forward and it still doesnt work, then maybe you have to accept the fact that you arent meant for each other. But if you guys wanna try it again, do it. This is your happiness, do what you feel is right in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:40pm
But it has been a month now, and...nothing. We haven't spoken except for a few text messages here and there, so I wouldn't even know how to start talking to him about us. Should I initiate the contact? He intitiated the split (well, he asked me what I thought and I, in my anger, agreed), so shouldn't he initiate the contact? My gut tells me not to call him and just try to move on, which seems to be the mantra on this board, and if he wants to contact me then let him do that on his own. Or maybe a month is not long enough, since we did spend almost every day with each other for the past 4 yrs. Ugggh...I just want to stop feeling like this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:42pm
if your gut feeling is to move on....then you dont really want to be with him, right? Also, I dont believe that just because he hasnt called you doesnt mean you cant call him and tell him how you are feeling, or what you think. He was part of your life for 4 years, you have the right to call him. If he doesnt want the same thing, no harm done. In fact, if he says no, it might be easier for you to move on knowing that there is no hope and you have closure. Follow your heart, sounds tright, but its the best way to go
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:57pm

Reminds me of the horrible situation I'm going through.
Read my posts 'Desperately In Need of Help", "Endless Fights are Tearing us Apart" and "Didn't really Want to Break up"

I really want to talk to you, I need to talk to someone who can understand.
Could you read my posts and write to me?

Surreal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:51pm
Some people are meant to be together, and usually one person in a relationship knows that. Very rarely do both know. You will change more than you know over the next year and so will he, and this time might be what the two of you need. You might change and learn that he isn't what you want anymore, or you might still have feelings for him. If you still love him after about a year, then understand that you both need to grow-up more and mature and that you probably are meant for each other, just not right now. Good Luck!


Edited 8/2/2006 3:15 pm ET by haley_marie

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