the more i find the more shocked i am...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
the more i find the more shocked i am...
18
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:44am

Recently I found out that my now exboyfriend had been lying to me. During the 7 months that we were together he had also been in another serious relationship with another girl here in town, they have been together for a year and a half. Not only that he also was in another serious relationship with a girl outside of state and the "bussines" trips he used to take were actually to see her (girl #3. Well about 3 weeks ago I emailed girl #1 and told her who I was, at that time I didnt know they were dating, but I just wanted to know her relation to my xbf. Well he broke in to my email account and blocked me from receiving emails from here but I created another account and emailed and so we got in touch and well we discovered what he was doing. Well on the 27 of december i get a call from girl #3 and she asked me if i knew my ex and I said yes, so then she said "oh hi this is ----- and i am ---- girlfriend" You can bet i was completely shocked!!! so all three of us got in touch with each other and talked over what was going on. It seems that he was in commited relationship with all 3 of us, he had met all of our parents and marriage was in the works (as in he gave promise rings). Not only that, he was also trying to get us all pregnant, and in a weird way he will talk to each of us about the other 2 girls, like for example girl #3 was his bestfriend growing up (at least thats what he told me and we will talk about her all the time)and girl number #3 knew about me as the girlfriend of one of his friends so they will talk about me and so on. And sometimes he will be with all 3 of us sexually in a matter of days. And like the bed that me and my ex used to sleep in belongs to girl #1 and she will also sleep over at his place. Pretty disgusting.

Well anyways today i was looking for a file in my laptop and well i found some very interesting pictures. Last summer I had let my ex borrow my laptop because he was looking for work. Well I found some x rated pictures of girl #3 masturbating her self and she send my ex the pictures and then my ex did the same thing for her. So basically I have pictures on MY COMPUTER of both of then masturbating for each other. Needless to say now I really, really know what the other girl looks like LOL! (I am sorry all I can do is laugh at this point)

I dont know if I will be able to get those images out of my mind any time soon. The extend of his lies and deceit is beyong believable. I am really glad that I am out of this mess, but the scars will be there for a very long time. I mean come on I used to drop him off at the freaking airport when he was going to his "bussiness trips" and I used to pack and get things ready for him so that he could go see the other girl.

I have lost fate and I am so scared.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:02pm

I read about your story on one of the other threads. What a horrible situation for you to have to go through! To even think about my ex being intimate with someone else makes me sick- even now- so I can only imagine how you feel. And then knowing that it was with TWO other people- that's awful. No one deserves to be treated like that.

I don't know if you've thought about going to counceling or not, but I would really recommend it. I've always had some trust issues with guys, and I was really concerned about how the situation w/my ex (who is a compulsive liar) would affect my future relationships- that's why I started going. We were also still living together at the time, and he was making it his mission to make my life a living hell, so it was also nice to just vent about all the awful things he did. Having family and friends support you is great, but it helps to have someone objective tell you that none of this is your fault and not to feel stupid for believing all of his lies.

Did you feel better at all talking to the other girls? It's weird, but when I contacted my ex's other girlfriend (who is still going to court w/him over the money he owes her), I felt relieved. She is really sweet, and I thought that if this happened to her too, then it's not just me who was fooled by him. It's kind of a strange bond you have with someone when you've both been screwed over by the same guy. I asked her about how she got over it (she's actually married now) and she said that what she learned was to be more cautious- not necessarily distrusting. I know things progressed really quickly with my ex-we were talking about marriage within the first 3 weeks we were dating- and I ignored some of the red flags I saw early on because my feelings for him were so overwhelming. So, if you take something out of this, then maybe it's that you take things slower the next time. And, if nothing else, remember that no matter what happens w/your next relationship, he can't possibly be any worse than this guy :)!

I'm not an expert on this or anything- that's just my 2 cents. Hope it helps :)-

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:44pm

Hi Erica

Thank you for your kind response. I been thinking about counceling becasue i know that this is not something that is going to just on his own. I feel like i have this huge pressure on my chest and all i want to do is scream and i wish that i had him in front of me so that i might take some of my rage on his. I dont know if it will help me in any way but at this moment i feel like it will help.

As for taking things slow, i think that with me he was taking it the slowest everytime he brought marriage up i will tell him that there was no rush after all i am only 25 (he is 34). When i met him i wasnt looking for a relationship at all but he won me over. And before I knew it i was completely inmersed in this relationship. And i guess i did see some warning signs also but he is really a smooth talker and i think half of the time i was confused. He told me he had cancer so half of the time i wouldnt complain about things because i felt bad from him and then like 2 family members died and a bunch of other lies.

As for talking to the other girls it helped a lot. When i first found out about the first girl i was in torture because i felt like i wasnt enough and i wasnt good enough for him you know. But then after talkign to the third girl it made me realize that i was more then enough and that even if he had 5 girls he will still be looking for more. And by the way there is a mistery about a 4th person, we have all heard about her but we dont know who she is.......

I will also be taking him to court since he also owes me money. and i know that he owes the other girls money too but i dont think they are going to do anythign about it. I personally think that he has taken enough from me and i need to at least prove to myself that i can defend my self. So i will be seeing him there. And i guess just talking to the other girls helped me in that i dont feel like i miss him or want him back i just feel anger and dissapointment.

But those pictures are killing me. I had nightmares about them last night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 2:29pm
I'm glad that you are out of this freaky situation, it could have gotten alot worse. I just wanted to give you a little advice stay strong!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:02pm
Wow girl your story is almost like mine. I broke it off with mine two weeks ago. I found out that he was chatting on line with 25 different women. Had 5 dating profiles on line with pics that I had taken of him on vacation and a profile on a website where you solicit massages from women. YUCK>>> And had traveled 400 miles to bed some girl that he met on line after we had been together for three months, which he actually admitted to me a month ago. Never said he was sorry just kinda said it in passing. I just found all this out a month ago. It took me two weeks to gather the courage to break it off. As hard as it is for us we must do whatever it takes to hold on to our dignity. Believe me I did not want to walk away because I love him but he doesn't love me like I deserve bottom line. And neither did yours. I have the same images only my are faceless women. I know it is harder for you since you have seen pics. But try try try to "Re-direct your focus". Time is our enemy in a situation like this but it is the only way to get over them. I wish you lived near me we could work through this together. Do you have friends that can support you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:07pm

I know exactly how you feel. My therapist used to try and get me to do a role-playing exercise like that where I would say to him the things I wanted to say to my ex. But, it's not the same. I've written a long letter to my ex, because I needed to do something to vent all of my feelings, but I haven't sent it- I really REALLY want to, though. It's mostly because I never got to personally confront him about all the lying (his parents told him they had talked to me). I want him to know that I saw a lot of signs that he was lying, but just ignored them because I loved him. I know I'm not stupid for trusting him, but I hate the fact that he thinks he fooled me. In your case, you also have the anger about the fact that he was putting your health in jeopardy- by sleeping with other people-so I'm sure it's really frustrating.

Your ex is like mine- he's not a jerk, he is a PSYCHOPATH. They know what they did was wrong, but in their warped minds, they actually think the world is against them and we're the ones that are screwed up, not them. My ex's parents say that they've tried everything and he refuses to go to any kind of counceling (of course, his parents are the worst enablers I've ever seen so I don't really believe that). In my little fantasy world, I think that if I send my letter, he'll read it, realize how much he hurt me, and finally decide to get help. I still care about him, and I wish that could happen, but the reality is it won't. These kinds of people are like drug addicts or alcoholics- they have to hit rock bottom before they will admit they have a problem. My ex has almost gone to jail (for stealing from his employer), he has no friends, and he's been sued 3 times this year for money he owes people (which is around $10,000). To me, I don't see how it gets any worse than that, but it's not bad enough for him to do anything about it.

It's amazing when I hear other people's stories how similar they sound. He lied about having cancer?? God that's sick. My ex's big lie was that his dad borrowed $30,000 from him to help save their family business. So, like you said, I felt so bad for him that I bent over backwards to try and make him happy. He did also have legitimate health problems- at 29, he was on 3 different kinds of heart medication- so I was always afraid of stressing him out by bringing up issues that we had.

I think it is great that you are going to court. How much does he owe you? It's a shame the other girls don't have the guts to do it. I can tell you from experience that it is going to suck having to see him there, but I know when I saw my ex, I felt sorry for him more than I felt angry. He looked awful, and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me- he was so pissed I went through w/the case. He looked like a huge idiot when it took the judge about 3 minutes to hear my story and rule in my favor- I wish I had it on tape :). It was only $800 he still owed me (it had once been $2,500) but it was the principle of not letting him get away with it. He had 30 days to pay me, and didn't, so I have to go back to court next week w/his employer (who happens to be his mom) to try and get his wages garnished. I'm not looking foward to that, as you can imagine.

Hope it makes you feel a little better to know that other people have been through this :)-

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:32pm

Thank you all!

I dont want to let my self go down any more. I think that i have cried so much for him, that i just cant anymore. I still love him knowing all this, but my pride is even stronger. When I first contacted the first girl my ex went off on me and he actually made treats agains me and my family i had to file a police report. But to him he is the vitim.

He used to fly all the way to chicago from california to be with girl #3. Is amazing to what extend he will go to keep us all 3 happy.

As for him being a Psychopath there is no doubt about it. I mean the whole cancer thing is unbeliavable! And like he told me that his mom died in July and he told girl 3 that she died in february. and then she told her that his dad had a heart attack when he didnt. and he also told her that he has a daughter and that she got in accident when he doesnt even have a daughter (she was worried about him becasue of his daughter and thats why she called me to find out)

Another thing i am really worried about is whether i got anything from him. Like i said he was trying to get us all pregnant so neither of us used protection with him. On my findings in the computer i also found that he had been visiting websites were they help you to get in touch with people from the oposite sex, for sexual encounters!!! so who knows how many girls he was actually with.

He owes me only 650 but is the principle that matters.

My friends have been supportive.....i was doing fine until i found those pictures it brought the pain right back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:55pm

Hi Dazed!

Wow is amazing the first time my ex went to see girl #3 was at our 3 month mark also and he flew all the way to Chicago from California to see her.

The thing is that before i found those pictures i already knew what she looked like because i beleived that she was his friend growing up and they were bestfriends.....But now....i mean those pictures were extremely graphic!!! as in I know better what she looks like then i know myself! and during that time of his first trip was when our relationship was at is best. and the sick thing is that with pictures of her where pictures of me (no not naked just regular pictures)according to the history in my computer he will go from her picture to mine.....i just cant....is sick!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:00pm
wow, all I can say is wow. For what you've been through you seem very level headed about it. I have to say that I would probably be screaming and crying and just plain ol'pissed. I'm impressed, very impressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 8:03pm

hi,

i guess is just that i am tired. I am tired of crying! I am tired of being mad! emotinally i feel drained. I am depress but everytime i feel like crying i remind my self of what he has done and i know he is not worth my tears. I miss him so damn much! i am to the point were i feel but i dont know how to express it anymore. I think that what makes it worse is the fact that i never got to question him, i never got to take my anger out on him, i never got to see him face to face to tell him how hurt i am. i just stoped taking his calls. and i know is better like this.

all i can do is prove to my self that i am worth something, and maybe some day i will run in to him and i dont want him to see how he affected me!

i think i need some counceling is not good to keep all this anger inside of me.

does anyone have any idea where i might get info about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:01pm

I'm sorry that you had to go to the police- that is so scary. My ex was pretty pissed when I found out too- but he is too much of a coward to ever really do anything, so I didn't really worry, even with us living together. I did get a fair amount of psychotic text messages and e-mails- my friends tried to help by making jokes about it, but I will admit he really did freak me out. I knew that he would try and do everything to make my life a living hell- and he frequently succeeded.

I think someone referred to this on an earlier thread, but you should take a look at this link- www.hss.caltech.edu/~mcafee/Bin/sb.html. It talks about the profile of a sociopath. I cried reading parts of it because it described my ex to a T. You'll probably relate to a lot of it too. It made me realize that there's really no chance he is going to ever to get better, so I have to stop worrying about what happens to him and move on. Easier said than done :).

Give yourself some credit for at least knowing that you would benefit from getting help. It's kind of ironic that we're going to therapy when our exs are the ones that really need it! You should check out the Psychology Today website. They have a "Find a Therapist" section where you can put in search criteria and it gives you referrals. If you have insurance through work, your visits might be covered and you would only have to pay the co-pay.

Keep us updated w/everything- hang in there!

Erica

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