more venting...feel so alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
more venting...feel so alone
4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 6:48pm

Feeling terrible and need to vent…Don’t know what I hope to get out of posting this…I’m just suffering and feeling so alone. I know this too shall pass. I’m just tired of waiting…

I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. What do you do when your best friend, the person who has helped you through everything, inspired you, and was your shoulder to cry on is the one who leaves you more devastated than you’ve ever been?

It took my break up 25 days ago to make me really realize what a complete LOSER I really am…As a senior in college, I should be having the absolute time of my life before May comes and I have to begin real career-searching. People my age frequent clubs and bars, date around, and live life up. I’ve been an old soul since I was very young, and I haven’t changed a bit. My 2-year relationship with the LOVE OF MY LIFE, I now realize, defined me as a person. I’m only in my early 20s, but we were talking about moving in together as soon as we graduate, getting married, and going into business together (we are both on the same career path). I absolutely loved having my life planned out; I was so dedicated and confident in our love and our relationship. I didn’t want to ever date again. I didn’t want to live the single life, to meet people, any of the things that “young people do.” What I anticipated as being a wonderful start to a life together, I think, scared the $h!t out of him. He fell out of love, he says. How does one do that? I’d love to know, so I could fall out of love with him.

I put my friends on the backburner…I gave my EVERYTHING, my 100000% to this relationship, because I love him with every ounce of love that I have to give, and I believed in my heart that he was worth it. Every free moment I had, I spent with him. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of complete, utter emptiness. The most important person voluntarily left my life, forever. I just can’t get my head around it.

I have my good moments and bad moments. I know that the sun will come out tomorrow, that I will meet someone who one day will love me even more…I just can’t believe I can ever, ever find a love like this again. I always felt so unworthy of such a patient, kind man that my x was, and can’t imagine ever finding one half as great ever again. I also don’t see how I can ever trust another man again. How do I know the next great guy won’t wake up one day and decide, “Hey, I’m done with her…Time to move on.” The thought of even dating now makes me physically sick, but in forcing myself to accept my reality, I can’t help but think of dating other people and none of them, ever, measuring up. I know this isn’t a great mindset to have. I just really thought he was made for me, like some divine intervention put us together, and now it is over and I am lost and lonely and devastated.

He has moved on with his life, and it kills me. He is OK without me. HOW? I thought I played a pivotal role in his life—he sure did in mine. I can’t imagine ever being truly OK without him. He was my absolute everything.

Being at college sure as hell hasn’t helped me recover. I am forced to see him three times a week in class, which is so, so painful. We don’t have any contact. His best friend/roommate is over my apartment all the time, as he dates my roommate. Seeing them together, happy, while I suffer kills me. When my roommate goes over to their apartment, it kills me. Everything just kills me. I feel so weak and drained emotionally, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Thanks for reading.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:38pm

Just wanted to send some support your way...

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain right now. Like you, I'm in college, and I can definitely relate to your situation. When my ex and I were together, I made him my *everything.* I stopped drinking/going out with my friends because he didn't like it, I lost touch with a lot of people, and I just basically let him and/or thoughts of him consume my life. I became one of those girls I had always despised...I put his happiness before everything else, including myself.

When we broke up, I was lost, not to mention completely heartbroken and devastated. It's taken me a long time to pick myself up off the ground, but you know what? I'm good now, I really am. I still struggle with missing my ex, etc, but it's become clear to me that we weren't meant to be together. In the beginning, I thought we had made a HUGE mistake by breaking up; I blamed myself and kept my ex up on a pedestal. I truly thought it was my loss not having him in my life anymore, so for awhile I acted pretty crazy/desperate in order to try and get him back, even though he was already dating someone new. Over time, it became apparent that he was moving on with his life (he got engaged this past summer!), and that I needed to move on with mine.

So that's what I've been doing, as hard as it is, and however much it hurts at times. But I know it's for the best. My ex has been in and out of my life ever since we broke up, and it's been more on than usual lately. We've been trying the whole "lets be friends" thing, but it hasn't gone that well. For one thing, he's been having problems with his fiance, and tells me that he still loves me, etc. Just last Friday he told me that he wanted to come see me...but I told him no...and believe me, like a year or so ago I would have been begging him to do that! I guess I just don't think we would be good together anymore. It's become clear to me what type of person my ex is, and I'm not so sure that he's somebody I even want as a friend, let alone my boyfriend again. I used to worry that I would never find somebody as "wonderful" as my ex...now I know that I won't meet anyone like him, and that's actually a good thing. He's lacking many of the qualities I want in a significant other.

Of course, it took me awhile to get to this point, and it helped that my ex has done some fairly shady things which have caused me to lose respect/trust in him. It sounds like you still think very highly of your ex (which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong)...but try not to put him on such a pedestal. There are lots of great guys out there...I know it's scary/hard to think of getting into a new relationship, and you definitely shouldn't rush into anything you aren't ready for. But don't beat yourself up about losing your ex. Things just weren't meant to be--it was not under your control. The situation is out of your hands now...you've done all that you can. If he really wanted to be with you, there's nothing stopping him. And just because he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean you aren't worthy of being loved by someone else. I'm sure you have a lot to offer!

Keep in mind that you've learned a good lesson from this--never make someone the center of your world. YOU are the person you need to take care of/love the most, as selfish as that sounds. But when it comes down to it, it's true. Love others, but most importantly, love yourself. And don't lose touch with friends because of a significant other. I have vowed to never do that again. Relationships come and go, but your friends, if they're true friends, will always be there for you. A relationship should never be what defines you or your life.

You know that eventually the pain will pass. As long as you are taking care of yourself and surrounding yourself with a good support system, you will be fine. I know it seems like the end of the world right now (which it is, in some ways, because you made your ex your world), but believe me...it gets better. I'm only 20 (almost 21!) and I thought I was done with boys/relationships after my breakup occurred...I was convinced I'd never be willing to give another guy a chance, that I'd be scared to risk getting hurt again. Like you guys, my ex and I had planned a life together even though we were young (I'm now realizing a lot of it was based on fantasy)...and I wanted that life so badly; I had my heart set on it and couldn't imagine anything else happening, or being with anyone else. But enough time has passed and I now feel confident that I will meet someone great someday...I'm even excited for that to happen :) In the meantime, I'm just having fun with my friends...you should do the same. It's your senior year--LIVE IT UP! There are perks to being single too, you know...I'm sure it's difficult to remember them after so long, but there ARE some. Just remember that you're going to be fine, no matter what happens. Good luck and take care!

I'm going to end with one of my favorite quotes: "Someday, somebody will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 2:18am
Hi,
I think I feel a bit like you. Even though I am older, I made the same mistake of making my ex the centre of my world. We travelled a lot together, and when we went out, it was mostly with his friends. It did not help that I started dating him two days after I had moved to a new country and a new job. As a result everything reminds me of him - restaurants, streets, museums, even music I listen to.Just like you, I also worry about not knowing if I ll will be able to trust anyone in future and miss the safety and security of having future planned.
However, if I think back, a few weeks ago I woke up one night and was thinking:"who am I?", and having remembered that I think that probably we would have broken up at some point anyway coz it is not possible for two people to be together without any breathing space. It does not make it easier but in a way, maybe, explains things.
Also, if I have trouble falling asleep I imagine all my friends, as well as my parents being around me. I also think that I feel closer than ever to my parents as I ve realised that they are the only people in the whole world who will always love me.
Take care of yourself and feel free to send me an email if you need to vent a bit more. I am currently trying to not be too boring to my friends - fortunately I still have a few of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:00am

I'm going to give you a little bit of a different perspective on this. I married at 23, right out of college. I gave up all my friends and a career in TV journalism to stay here for him. Just like you, I thought he was the love of my life. But gradually, over time, I started feeling unsettled. I missed that time in my 20s where I went out with my friends, dated, figured out who *I* was. I'm sure you're saying that's not what you want right now, but believe me that's exactly what I would have said at your age. I would have said I don't want to party, I've never been a partier, I want to be with this man I love. I know you're not going to believe me now, but if you don't take time to figure out who you are and what you want, it's going to catch up with you someday. You can bank on the fact that when you're in your 30s you're going to look back at this breakup as the best thing that ever happened to you. I'm in my 30s now, divorced, and doing what I should have done in my 20s. It's a whole lot easier in your 20s!!! The crowd of eligible, sane, attractive men really starts to thin out the older you get.

The man you're going to spend the rest of your life with is probably someone you don't even know right now. Someone you'll meet once you know yourself and what you really want out of life. I'm not saying this is the time to gather your friends up and go out and get drunk every night, but it IS the time to do some things you want to do (and if you don't know what that is, it's the time to figure it out). Make new friends, hang out with the ones you already have, go out on your own and get to know yourself a little better. You do need to take some time before you started dating because, yes, you will compare everyone to him if you start now. It's better to just take some breathing space, clean the slate, then venture out into the dating world again when you're ready. Trust me, someday this is all going to make sense...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:26am

Hey Liz,


Boy do I know how you feel!!!

Nikki