More Than Words

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
More Than Words
17
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 3:57pm

yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. we were only together for 9 months, but the first day i met him i loved him. he told me after a few dates that we would be together always. i could see it in his eyes. he loved me so much that it hurt. we have been living in the same town and spending all our time together. i see his family constantly and they have become a second family to me. he is my best friend in the whole world.
now its all gone. my "family" is gone, my true love is gone. he says that he still loves me and that i am his best friend and that that cant go away. that he just isnt in love with me anymore and that he doesnt know what happened, it just wont work now. i know he hasnt met anyone else. frankly, he would never have had time. i know that he can still love me. i would give anything to fix this or make this better.
what am i supposed to do?
be best friends?
give up and walk away?
be friends but not spend much time together?
move?

how can i get him to love me again? what have i done? how did it happen? my heart is broken and empty and i dont know what to do.
someone please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:19pm
I would like to ask a few questions. Did you not see any of this coming? What I mean is were there any warning signs? I would seriously talk to him though. It might something else under the surface.
I know that my best friend and I broke up, but we are still friends. I am very close to his family and frankly..for a happy ending we are trying to just take things slow and work it all out. We had problems in the past (and still do) that we are just trying to work on slowly...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:36pm

There really weren't any warning signs, I don't think. We never argue. We have disagreements occasionally, but they never last over an hour. He told me that he had been tired lately, but I thought he really had been tired. we are both new lawyers, so it made sense that he was tired. he said he had been thinking and thinking and he just doesn't think that it could work out. i asked him if we could talk about it and try to work on our problems and all he would say is that he just didnt think that it would work out. i asked him what happened and he said that he has no idea when or what. just that now, he doesnt feel that way anymore.

i desperately want to still be his friends, but i read a few dumb articles on the internet that seemed to think that the only way he would really miss me and really know what he was missing enough to want me back would be for me to completely separate myself from him. but what if it doesnt make him miss me and want me back and then i have completely lost him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 5:06pm
Well, for one thing and I know this is tough to swallow, but I had to...I told myself that either he will miss me or he won't..but if he doesn't at least I will allow myself some time to heal. That is what I told myself, but then when I did try to distance myself he told me he would keep trying to be friends. I then decided that I did not want to lose that and I would take what I could get. I do think you should take some time though. I detached myself as much as I could for awhile because it does take time to heal.
Just be sure to communicate this to him and I am sure if he really wants to remain friends he will be understanding. Eventually he may realize what he lost and want you back. If he doesn't, at least you have given yourself time to heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 5:11pm
Hi broken - I'm kind of going through the same thing and everyone keeps telling me that if he doesn't come back then the relationship would not have lasted or been that strong. There was a really good poem I read on this site about if someone can walk away from you then let them, because they weren't the right person. You deserve better than to have someone walk away from you that you loved. It's so hard not to beg and plead with the person...it took all I could do to tell my xbf that I'll change, I'll do whatever he wanted to make him happy then realized, what kind of life is that if we're always spending our time trying to make the other person happy so they won't leave us...again : (
I know it's hard to be strong but surround yourself with friends and when you get the temptation to call, call them or write to us instead : ) I wish you luck and stay stong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 5:26pm
thanks for your words.
it is nice to know that someone else out there is going through the same thing
i told him i would change to. but sadly i would. i would do anything. i dont even know what happened or what went wrong. i just want one more try. but im sure that that sounds stupid.
are you and your ex still being friends?
i almost spent $25 on an e-book today that promised it would tell me how to get him back. im still considering it. i am actually pathetic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 5:58pm

I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing. I broke it up though b/c I wanted a commitment and he didn't. He wanted to be friends afterwards, I didn't. We tried the friend thing, but things kept getting physical...and actually it was incredibly painful being around him, knowing that he wanted everything except everything, if that makes sense. I don't understand how that other woman posting can be friends with her ex...it was just too much for me to handle. So now I am trying to distance myself from him, but still deep down hoping that he'll want me to be with me 100%, the way I want him. That since I'm not around him all the time, he'll see what he's missing, and do the whole Jerry McGwire thing, haha.

-K.

P.S. I saw that book too about getting him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 6:15pm
Hi Carolina and broken - I'm not sure what I'm doing: ( the only reason to be honest that I am being "friends" with him is of course holding on to hope that he wants more. He wanted to meet me for 4th of July but I'm pushing the envelope and saying I can't do that "as friends". I was hoping he'd say he didn't want it to be just that and he did say it would be more than friends but didn't talk of getting back together and just said he understood my feelings and that was it! Haven't heard from him since so he's backed off again probably for the last time knowing that I wanted to be more than just friends. I'm not sure I did the right thing but like you said Carolina it's just too hard to see him knowing we can't/won't have what we did before. That it might just be a physical get together and then I'd be tossed aside again. Of course deep down I'd die for one more moment with him but know that it would just be putting me back to square one again. I'm sorry, I'm droning on!! It's just easy here when you feel like you've found people that "listen" and understand what you're going through. Luck and hugs to you both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 6:18pm
I can be friends with my ex because I chose to. That is just my choice though. He and I have known one another for eight years and we have a long past...not dating together...We were friends and dated and then broke up...we both went our separate ways and after some time we decided that we wanted to be best friends again. We had a history together, so that made it different for me. But the most important thing was that he and I had our space at first too...It is not easy, and that is why I say it is definitely a personal decision. If you know you can not handle the hurt then it is not wise to be friends. I can see both sides of it, but then again my circumstance is different (as everyone's is) from this one in particular.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 6:40pm

Please don't waste your money on a scam!!!

There is no way to "get back" someone who isn't in love you with you anymore. I'm sorry but it's just not going to happen, at least not by anything YOU do.

The best thing for you is to not have any contact with him. You can't be "friends" with someone you are still in love with and trying to do so is one of the most painful feelings in the world.

You need to find a way to accept that you simply are not right for each other. It doesn't mean you're not a good person or that you did anything wrong...you're just not right for each other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
In reply to: broken13
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 11:46pm
YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH "HIM" IF YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS. YOU HAVE TO BE 100% OVER HIM, AND SOMETIMES AFTER THAT, BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU SHARED INTIMACY IS HARD, BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE CONSTANT REMINDERS OF THE PAST. IF YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER, TAKE SOME TIME, AND HEAL YOUR HEART. YOU NEED NOT TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HIM, BECAUSE IT PROLONGS MOVING ON. BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE YOUR HURTING, AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, WE DON'T ALWAYS THINK CLEARLY, AND DO THINGS WISELY. KEEP US POSTED

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