MORTiFIED ... input please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
MORTiFIED ... input please...
24
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 9:44am

He and I broke up three weeks ago after a very rocky year and about 8 mont relationship. He blew me off pretty badly over the course of a weekend and I got very upset, reacted, got drunk one night and left him voice mails. He lashed back by breaking up with me.

We haven't spoken since - its been three weeks.

Well Friday night I was going out with a girlfriend and we were to meet up at 8:30. I needed to get money and cigerettes so I stopped at a this place near my house. His car was there and a girl was in it. I didn't think too much of it, but I had walked in the store anyway - He saw me walking up by then and I felt like a total dope just turning around.

OH, Premise = night before I called and left a voice mail. I haven't been doing well with this breakup because I felt set up o react and felt like he wasn't telling me something and I was just so heartbroken and not doing well at all. He called back, but well after I was asleep and never left a voice mail.

Ok, back to Friday night - so I walked in and stood behind him in line. He picked up his phone to talk to someone and then the clerk asked him what he wanted and he ordered CONDEMS...

HE KNEW I WAS BEHIND HIM. So I started to stop breathing. He tried to walk out pretending I wasn't there. I called his name and tapped him on the back. He turned around, said hi and its good to see me and turned and left. I started shaking.

Not only did I have to process another girl and him [which is fine because we both should be dating others by now[ but I had to process him actually having SEX with her.

BACKGROUND: We are 28. He was a VIRGIN before he met me. He always talked about marriage.

I had a horrible weekend full of anxiety attacks and naussa and I'm just a total mess. I stayed home from work today too. He has been cruel to me but this time is just off the charts. Why could he have just bought them at another store where I wasn't standing hbehind him.

ALSO, he didn't accept a bag to put them in so when he turned around to talk to me he was HOLDING them right there.

Oh my god I am such a wreck.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:52pm

Wow, that had to hurt...but two things jumped out at me while reading your post.

One is, the two of you are broken up so he is not obligated to you in any way. Yes, it would be nice if he were more considerate, but he's not.

And that leads me to the 2nd point...this is just more confirmation of what a jerk he is.

Have you tried doing a set of index cards with all of his bad points? You might find it's a big help. Scroll down to find my post on Thought-Stopping for more information about the index card technique.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:55pm

Hon, you're over analysing things, perhaps, because you still love him and can't get over the fact that you're broken up. He's moved on and is dating again and having sex.

The event on Friday was not a set up. He was in the store BEFORE you walked in and he was in line before you. He indeed saw you, but he was there to by condoms so he bought them. He walked away from you with the condoms in full view, perhaps, to avoid a scene, but he turned around when you tapped him on his shoulder and called him by name because he had no choice. His reaction was a normal one given the situation.

I know it's hard to accept it but ypu're no longer a couple and he has the right to date again and have sex. You do too. The health approach for you is to accept it and move on. Don't let personal stuff get in the way of your work. You could end up been fired. Let go and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:56pm

I don't know how old he is, but his immaturity level is shocking. Best to thank the gods you are rid of him. Please don't call that loser again.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:25pm

He is 27.

There is such a thing as being decent and he just wasn't. He had time to make a choice and step out of line and get it somewhere else. He KNOWS full well I'm not over him.

Of course he is entitled to date and even have sex ... so am i, and I am dating but NOT having sex.

Its just way too soon in my opinion and totally monstrous for him to basically do that in front of me. Certain things should stay under covers.

So I have felt powerless and decided to get back at him and ordered something on his credit card to him. However as soon as I did it I changed my mind so I called the store and told the lady what happened and why I had to cancel it and she said that FREE of charge, she would ship to him a box of condoms made for men who are not so well endowed with a note saying "i know its hard to find some that fit." She said that some men are just plain stupid and jerks.

And I felt so much better because I didn't do anything harmful or evil. Its kind of funny actually. The world works in ways on purpose to make a point. This entire weekend little things like that have been happening to convince me that someone or something is really looking out for me. For instance, the girl I hung out with that Friday night had actually broken up with her fiancee only a month or so before her wedding and she totally understood my pain and despare.

Then I was booked with activities for the rest of the weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:37pm
Honey...it sounds like your ex has a case of the "sweet guy turned jerk syndrome".
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 2:25pm

thanks cl! QUESTION...

He had a girl in his car in the parking lot. So you think he did that for effect on my behalf??? Maybe he shoved it in his pocket while walking back to the car??? I am nausous over this whole thing and never felt so beaten down. I've hardly eaten since Saturday night - no drinks, etc. and its just terrible.

I can't get over how he gets off on hurting me so severelly and WHY would he want to.... Its HIM dumping me and then wanting me back. Its HIM always flipping out and then coming around. Its downright volitile but each time it gets worse and worse.

I'm afraid to run into him .

I think he would be capable of having sex again quickly though ... especially if he was seeing her while seeing me .

Do you think he knows what he did?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 4:31pm

.....I live in a small town so I get the picture when it comes to one bar, a few stores. You knew he was in there and you knew a girl was in his car. Do you know this other girl?? BUT he was in the store first. I think its even possible there was no one on that cell phone either. He might have done that again for your benefit or so he didn't have to face you, he sounds like a coward too. Did he buy the condoms just to hurt you, yeah likely, did he know what he was doing, yes he probably did. Why would he do this??? Who the heck knows. Who can figure them out???
Yes he could have gone to another store, but so could you. He didn't have to buy his condoms there, but you could have moved over to the bread isle or something until he cleared out. I would have waitied in my car until he left, or sent my freind in for me.
I know it's hard, really hard, but you have to forget this jerk. Try to stay out of his sight if possible. I don't want you to set yourself up for more hurt. You are bound to run into him, and I am guessing you probably mix in the same circles.

You should hold your head up high, shoulders back, put a big smile on and do not let any one see you hurting over this bastard. 18 months is enough time spent on this guy. I hope that you meet some-one new and wonderful and stop hurting for him. He is not worth it.

Feel better soon.

Bunny

Avatar for digitalsolstice
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 4:33pm
Well, sometimes men are callous.
They do very hurtful things. Doing things back to him won't make matters any better. I would say if he bought condoms, he was probably going to use them. I don't know. I can see why you're so hurt and so upset about it.
Let him go out and have his sex and date other girls. He left you and that's what he wants to do. You are a better person for not doing so.
Do you think he's at home not eating and crying over you?
NO! He's not!
We can't say for sure if he bought those condems to hurt you or because he was going to use them. Nobody could know but him.
He had another girl with him. It sounds like it was a coincidence.
Now, another thing, and sometimes these things happen for a reason....
You met him at a store...not knowing he was going to be there.
You saw what he is really like. Out of the blue, there you are in a store with him, girl in his car, him buying condems.
Do you think maybe this was a sign from above to show you it's time to move on? Maybe this guy isn't the right one for you? Perhaps it was not a coincidence after all, but something to show you it's time to move on and let this go. You got to see something in person, that most girls can only wonder about when they are duped like I was.
I wonder every day what my ex-fiance is doing. I think every day I should drive by his house or his work. I don't. I don't want to get hurt again.
He does sound immature. I wouldn't take him back ever. I would let it go and let your feelings out. It will take time to heal. Live your life the way you want to,but getting back at him or dating someone else will not heal the pain. You need to be focused on your goals, your friends, your family. Let this jerk go off and have sex.
This chance meeting with him proved a point to you. This chance meeting showed you what he thinks of his breakup and how he is missing you. Perhaps this 'chance' meeting happened to show you it's time for you to move on, because he obviously already has.
But don't let this discourage you in any way.
You don't deserve this.
Stop beating yourself up over this.
Eat something and do something. Read, write, go to the movies. Enjoy your life the way you want to.
I know it's rough. I was getting married in a month and my fiance left. I can't get him to talk to me. I can't get him to get the rest of his stuff. Sure, I still love him, but he has obviously moved on. I need to as well. And it hurts like hell. I imagine this hurts you so bad and I am not trying to make you feel bad. We are all here for you! That's what is so great! A support network of people who are heartbroken just as you are.
Hang in there, and let your feelings out. You'll be alright. I promise!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 5:07pm

Thanks for your response - I read your post and my heart so goes out to you. I dont know how I would feel, but I do know this "digitalsolstice", he will come back again and there will be a discussion and a chance to confront it.

Here, I have had no chance to confront anything and I just feel like he treated my like dirty dirty dirt. I could have gone somewhere else, yes - but I wasn't sure it was really his car .

I wont start anything, nor have contact with him but I swear that if he tries to say hello to me in a bar, I may have to slap him square across the face and tell him never to come near me again.

I dont consider myself a victim but there is a point of decency and he really did cross it. To me, he flaunted his SEX in front of me as if it was his final laugh-in-my-face. I hate him so much for knowing I loved him, pretending to love me UP UNTIL THE VERY LAST DAY and then do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 5:50pm

"I dont consider myself a victim but there is a point of decency and he really did cross it. To me, he flaunted his SEX in front of me as if it was his final laugh-in-my-face. I hate him so much for knowing I loved him, pretending to love me UP UNTIL THE VERY LAST DAY and then do this."

I totally understand where you're coming from on this. This has been the very worst part of me coming to terms with the end of my relationship with my ex-fiance. I thought he loved me the way I loved him, but he didn't. And I didn't know that until I learned that he was cheating on me. It was a huge slap in the face and made me feel stupid and used. But I'm getting better slowly and starting to heal. I guess all I really want to say is that you are never alone, that there are plenty of us who can sympathize and if we all work together, we'll all come out of these disasterous relationships better than we came into them.

Jennifer

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