The Most Painful Experience of My Life
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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:11pm |
Today is the worst day of my life. I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and 3 months. We have lived together for about 3.5 years. We've always had a good relationship and recently moved back to his hometown after he moved to be with me while I was in college (he had already graduated). I had only been in one other relationship (high school) before dating him, but had never really been in love. He had never been with any girl at all. I was his first kiss, first love, first everything.
After I moved back with him so he could be near his family, things got more serious. We looked at houses, got a dog, started looking at rings. I was really excited, but he seemed to be getting more nervous. Finally a couple of weeks ago he told me that he's having a hard time committing to me because he's never had any other relationship at all. He's afraid he'll always wonder if I'm the right one for him since he's never had any other relationship to compare ours to. I was really hoping it was just a phase because I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but it isn't a phase.
He finally broke up with me and now I feel completely devastated and lost. He claims that he's very aware he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he also says he hates to put me through this and just needs to make a decision. And that decision has to be for us to part ways. I haven't been able to stop shaking all day and I've been throwing up so much that I am just dry heaving at this point. I don't know what step to take next. I don't know where to live. I don't know anybody here, no good friends, no family. I'm in a new job and can't quit to move home. I actually feel like I'm in the middle of a nightmare. I still love him more than anything in the world and can't stop shaking the feeling that I'm not good enough. He's really upset about it, too, and I know he's not 100% sure about this decision, but he also feels like he can't drag me through his turmoil. I just feel like my whole life is shattered and I don't know where to turn. He's my best friend. He says he'll help me figure this all out and he'll try to take the stress off of me as much as he can, but I just wish we didn't have to sort through the "who gets what, who moves where, when do we each get to see the dog, etc" crap--it's just going to make this process 1,000 times worse. I feel like this is a divorce rather than a breakup. I really thought this was the man I was going to spend my life with. I don't know how I'm going to recover.
Now I have to go to a stupid dinner for work and all I want to do is go home and cry for 6 weeks straight. After literally puking all day just the thought of food is enough to make me sick. What a great night. What a great day. What a great 5 years of my life wasted. I really wish that he had thought about this maybe, oh, say 5 YEARS AGO!!!
Nicole

Nicole,
I am going through almost the exact situation right now. I have been with this guy for 3 1/2 years and now he tells me he isn't sure our love is enough for marriage and he needs time. He also said he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. And this might be the biggest mistake of his life but he has to take that chance. I also feel hopeless..my whole life was wrapped up with his and now everything I know is gone.
I am not sure what to tell you but i would love to talk to you more. I am just trying to take one day at a time. I know its not healthy to wait for him. So i am trying to move on and keep busy.
But listen up girl we both know it might be a year from now but they will eventually realize what they did and how badly they messed up. And we wont be there for them at that point. We love them but this is to painful to forgive and forget. you dont want to be questioning his love for the rest of your life. And if he isn't willing to fight for you then he isn;t worth it.
Take care of yourself. And at least drink gatoraid. I feel that is the only thing at this point i can keep down.
Nicole,
I read your post and it reminded me of what I went through two years ago. I was dating my boyfriend at the time for almost 5 years...I dated him all through college and part of grad school. Then, after we went shopping for houses in the city he would be working in, he just freaked out. He said he wasn't ready for that type of commitment and needed to break things off...he said all of the same things your boyfriend did...that it might be the biggest mistake of his life...I went through everything you were going through. I had my life revolving around his-I felt everything was just falling apart.
Fast forward two years...he is finally stable in his life and where he wants to be...and he is ready to get married. AND he wants me back, but you know what? I will never forget what he put me through and I will always love him, but it just proved he wasn't for me. I recently saw his as he was in town for business. Those feelings I had weren't there anymore. I realized I wanted something more...and I realized I was able to move on. I think part of my hurt was from not knowing about the future. With him, I planned out everything in my head and when it didn't happen, I was more devastated before.
The thing is, your heart will heal and you will probably go through this again. BUT there is someone out there where this won't happen...you need to think about everything that way. You know, maybe he will come back, but you can't force it, you just can't he needs to realize those things for himself.
I completely understand when you feel like you have to talk to him about what you are going through because that is what you have always done, but you just can't. You are looking for answers he isn't going to give you. I know it is hard, I really do. I actually found someone else and fell in love with him and am going through a similar situation as you. You just have to remember that this isn't the end of the world. Your healing will take time and it won't be easy. Just keep posting...it helps me...Good luck and hugs.
Thanks for your post. I know all of this pain will eventually fade but I am in it right now and all I can think about is him. He is the first thought in my head in the morning and the last thought in my head before I go to bed. I know i have done that for 3 1/2 years now and it will be hard to change. I just miss him.
And you are so right, some of the pain is also not knowing now where my life is going. I live in sarasota, fl right now (not my first pick but its nice). I moved there almost 2 years ago because he was still in law school and he was still driving and communiting distance for sarasota. And sarasota had alot of better jobs for me at that time compared to gainesville. And at that time we were sure about each other to move together. Well that should have tipped me off right there.
I just know in my heart he is making a mistake. I cant get past that feeling. I really dont think he is coming back anytime soon. He will realize it one day I am sure.
He loves me. And what we had is enough. Unfortuntely to him he isn't sure at this moment in time. He thinks that he should be head over heels, butterflies in love to get married not I always want to be with you, we have so much fun together, you are the only person that understands me and that I can talk to love. Does that make any sense?
I am just really scared about my life right now. Its been kinda on hold for him to end school when we could be really together and now look we can be together and he is running from it. I dont know what lauren wants except chad. And chad isn't an option anymore.
His job was suppose to decide where we live. I dont know how to make those calls for myself. I am afraid to stay in sarasota because it never felt right but I am so afraid to move because I dont want to be alone. I am very scared of being alone now and for the rest of my life. I need a man to complete me. That sounds so pathetic but thats how I feel. I am capable of taking care of myself financially but emotional i want a man to share things with. I am not the kinda girl who trusts men easy so its hard for me to get into a committed relationship. And now since this is the second boyfriend of at least 3 years that doesn't know if what we have, what I am is enough why bother to try. Could it be me? Maybe I am just to boring or plain to keep guys attention past the initial phase and when they get comfortable with me ie 3 to 5 years then I am not enough.
I dont know i am babbling at this point. Thank you for your message at least I know I am not alone.
Thank you everybody for your support. I know it's really unfortunate, but it makes me feel a little better that I'm not alone. It's so easy to feel alone in a situation like this. We are all going to be fine, we're just going to have to take it a day, hour or even minute at a time. I find that if I start thinking too far ahead I get overwhelmed. Last night when I was thinking about all the packing I had to do I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. So I just started focusing on one box. Just filling one box. I think that's how my life is going to be for a few months, just taking everything very slowly so I don't break down.
I still can't keep anything down and ended up coming into work late today, which really isn't a big deal since I work so many hours. I just had to get myself together. It was really hard to just start my day. I wanted to stay in bed and cry, but get out of the house at the same time.
My heart goes out to everybody in this situation. I wouldn't wish this type of heartache on my worst enemy. I know they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but sincerely I'd rather be weak and happy right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be miserable, I just want my life back. But I can't look at the past because it makes my cry instantly. The past is filled with wonderful memories, which now make me sad. I can't look at the future because the thought of being alone and rebuilding my life terrifies me. But the present is so painful that I wish I had somewhere else to turn. Sorry for sounding so miserable, I should focus on something positive, but I just can't anything right now. Hopefully down the road, whether it's 6 months or a year, I will be able to have a normal life again and the hurt will subside somewhat. I have a long way to go.
I wish the best to everybody in this situation and really appreciate your support.
All anyone of us can do is hang in there. I know you feel like being no where and somewhere all at the same time. No where is any easier or takes your mind off of it for more than a few moments. But I know that those moments will turn into minutes and minutes into hours soon enough. You have to be strong. I would love to be weak myself and happy. Anything for not being alone and unhappy. But these aren;t the right guys for us. We have to keep telling ourselves that. If they were they wouldn't hurt us like this. And there is something somewhere much better and healthier for us. Keep telling yourself that over and over again.....even if you dont believe it. I dont believe it but I have to keep faith in it. I am not that of a religious person but I do think things happen for a reason. I knew that was true with my first love but it took me a long time to figure out what. I am sure in time we will figure out why this was right for us to.
Hang in there. And keep drinking fluids they will keep you from feeling physically weak cause i know we are mentally weak at this point.
My boyfriend broke up with me a little over 3 months ago. We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2. We were so happy. We got along great and were like 2 little love birds until the last month. He lost his job and turned into a different person. I went out of town to visit my dad. I talked to him on the phone and everything was fine. I came home that night and everything was fine. The next day, I went to work, and I came home from work and he said "I'm leaving. Do you want me to take my cat?" I was stunned. He picked up his cat and walked out the door. The next Saturday he called and said he would be over to pick up his belongings. He swore there wasn't another woman in his life. He said he decided while I was gone he didn't love me like he used to. He said he was moving to Calif. to find another job. I talked to him on the phone New Years Day. I just felt like I had to wish him Happy New Year. He was so cold on the phone. He said he wished me luck and that he still loved me but "not like he used to"
I have just been a wreck for the last 3 months. Every single thing reminds me of him. I just wish I could go through one day without thinking about him. His daughter called me and told me she misses me, and that her dad doesn't have another girlfriend,and she just doesnt' understand why we aren't together anymore. I don't understand either. I have never gone through this before . Ilost 2 husbands who died suddenly, and this is a million times more painful. They left because they died and had no choice. He left, basically never even discussed being unhappy, and snatched away my happiness in a flash.
How do you ever get over this. Everyone keeps telling me I have to grieve, but I don't have a clue how I will ever be the same. If anyone has any advice, please help me.
Thank you for listening!