To move on..."erase" him?
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| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:28pm |
Many posts here about my breakup (3 months ago after two fantastic years, he is 33, I am 27, he is unsure about us/me. No contact or plans for it). I am up and down a lot. Some weeks are better than others -- heck, some hours are better than others. I have had some setbacks of late -- things are going great in his life and he just bought a new house, he's taking our vacations. I'm floundering a bit with some issues at work, getting over him and general life-in-disarray-will-wind-up-spinster-with-40-cats-and-no-savings-account fears. You know, the usual.
I am in the place now where I am grasping to any ounce of information I can get about him. I talk to our mutual friends to see how he is, if he has asked about me, how he seems. When I found out he bought a house I tried to figure out which one it was from the house sales. Because of his work, he is in his local paper a lot; I read it online. I still can't help but check the license plate of every car that is the same as his that I see on the street. His reasons for breaking up were a little nebulous. We aren't talking, he refuses to talk about me or the breakup with our friends, I am sure he is not letting himself think about us much, and now he is in a brand new home without any physical remnants of me or us. I grasp for any information because I feel like it still connects me to him. That I still know him. That if I know what he is doing or how he is that I am still somehow linked. The cold turkey of this breakup -- no talking or seeing each other since I went to pick up my things two days after we broke up -- has been so hard to handle, that I am still grasping for anything related to him.
I think I need to break this. Stop trying to find out things about him. Stop reading his paper in hopes he will be mentioned. Stop asking friends how he is and if he has mentioned me. In doing this, I think it will help me just break from him more. I do not want to in some respects -- it is so sad that I do not know him, that I am not part of his life. I do not want to think of him as just "not existing" -- it seems so cold and harsh. But, it seems he has adopted that with respect to me. No contact, not talking about it. He has shelved it and is walking straight ahead, never once looking back.
You all have been through this before. I am trying to move away from this with grace, but I am having such a difficult time. Is this a good thing to try? To "erase" him like how I feel I have been erased? It hurts to think of the good times right now. I hope one day that will change, but for now it is just painful any way. I just want to feel better about myself, my life. I want to be happy again. I'm just not. I feel like I haven't been happy since the day before he left me.

I understand that you feel somehow linked to his life if you still know what's going on with him but that is the not helping you heal and move on. After a break up, you have to put yourself first, and do what will help YOU heal. That includes no contact and no asking about him/seeking information from other sources. That keeps it going, it keeps him fresh in your life and you are only torturing yourself.
I think you got it right by saying that you need to stop asking about him. You absolutely must let it go. I know it's very painful, but that is part of the healing process that we must all go through. There is no way to get around it. Think of it this way: The sooner you let it go, the quicker you will be on your way to recovery. As long as you continue to get info about him, you are hindering your own path toward happiness, which is what you said you want. You will reach a point where you will be okay with having let go, it will just take some time. You have to be strong, and I know you can. You must start to live your life with new purpose, for your own good. Don't worry about his life, take control of your own and do what is best for you to break free from this emotional attachment to something that no longer exists.
Best of luck. *hugs*
megagirl
Indirect contact is still contact. And yes, you need to stop that as well in order to move on.
I know, it's hard and it's sad. I remember seeing a movie one time after the breakup of my last LTR--and I just *sobbed* on the way home, because it was one more experience that I'd had that he didn't share, that separated us. But it's part of the healing process--accepting that reality.
I find that what helps me in breakups when I don't really feel I have answers is to work on accepting that someone who was right for me wouldn't have broken up with me--so therefore he by definition can't be right for me. If I refocus my thoughts every time I start thinking about my ex and shift to an "acceptance" mantra mode, eventually I get to the point of acceptance.
Sheri
Thank you for your messages. It is very hard to see him as being at fault, even having faults. I guess I just still have him on a pedestal and think so highly of him. He is incredible, he did nothing wrong. He was honest and truthful throughout. I guess that is hard to move away from, too. No reason to be angry at him, you know?
In this I know that you are right, Northwest. That even if I thought he was perfect for me and I was perfect for him, that that is not the reality and he did not, obviously, think I was it for him. So he can't be it for me. It's just trying to metabolize that and be rational when the emotions are so high....the emotions just get me so down on all of this and turning it inward to what I did, what is wrong with me.
I know--we've all been there.
That is actually one of the biggest shifts in thinking I've made, I think, as I've done my inner work over the years--to realize that it's not personal, in the sense of thinking that I'm wrong or bad or did something wrong--it's that we're not right for *each other*, which is more faultless or blameless--it just IS, KWIM?
In any event, creating space by not keeping tabs on him will enable you to focus on acceptance. And if you are still blaming yourself even after you establish that distance and have worked on acceptance for a while, then maybe some short-term counseling would be a good idea (well, IMO, it's never a bad idea).
Sheri
The 1st time I broke up with my ex in March, I blamed myself entirely and went on at length to anyone that would listen (and ppl that didn't want to hear, strangers at a bar...it wasn't pretty) about how perfect and patient he always was, how awful and undeserving I was. I starting seeing a therapist because I didn't want to be this terrible person anymore, and I didn't think there was anyway I could survive the pain I felt. We got back together a month later, but I kept seeing my shrink. It took another 3 months and tremendous personal growth for me to finally see my ex for what he is, a wonderful man, a good and patient person, but with faults and flaws, a unique ability to dodge blame, full of double standards, lacking an ability to communicate. It took 3 months of EVEN THE SHRINK asking what it would take for me to final realize my bf was not making me happy and was not good for me. I had a ranting post on here in March asking how to get over someone who's perfect, when you don't have the infidelity or abuse to hold on to, but that's NEVER the case. No one is perfect. Everyone in any type of relationship has limits, things they can and can't accept. His faults may be things that you were willing to look past, but it certainly doesn't mean they weren't there.
I don't think you can get over someone who's perfect, because if you truly feel that way, you're working through the break up of a relationship that didn't actually exist.
We just broke up again, for good, last night. This time I have the things I learned over the last few months. I still see him as an incredibly wonderful man, because he IS, but I know there were problems on both sides, things I thought I could just accept because they weren't a huge deal, but then it started to dawn on me, I don't have to.
I don't think you can get over someone who's perfect, because if you truly feel that way, you're working through the break up of a relationship that didn't actually exist.
Gal_astoria-
I don't remember your previous posts, but I think that is a really powerful statement. It sounds like you've really worked hard through therapy