To move on...only choice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
To move on...only choice
3
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 6:43pm

You know what's funny? When I was younger, I told myself I would never put up with a bf that cheated on me, a bf that was abusive, etc. But I always end up bending my own rules. I felt like I was in a love triangle with my last relationship, THE WHOLE TIME! His ex was always in the picture and altho he was spending every night with me, he was still emotionally connected to her! Calling her every other day to see if she was okay, how her day went, buying her gifts, talking about her, etc. I never felt first in "our" relationship and yet I put up with it.

Even worse, he would say things like, "my ex wasn't that much shorter than you but she's so much skinnier" (I'm 5'8" and only 128 pounds), "you were the only one available at the time but I learned to love you" and "you're not pretty, only okay".

Can you believe I put up with the relationship for so long (almost 1 year)?

I finally had enough and asked him it was either her (his supposed ex) or me...and guess what? He chose her but wanted to still be friends! The type that still did what couples do, that said "I love you," but with no strings attached. I'm hurting now but I know it's for the best. I know it's best not to contact him otherwise he'll just drag me back in, into the triangle with her again. I've been strong so far, not contacting him and it's Day 3. But, I still find myself looking at his IM to see if he's online. I still sit by the phone when I get home from work just in case he calls to see how I am. I still imagine where he will be this weekend so I can "accidently" bump into him. I hate it! I guess I want to feel that he actually cares and am hoping for some response but what I really should focus on is myself. To heal, to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 7:22pm
Sorry about that, but at the same time I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because it sounds like leaving him is one of the smartest choices about him you've made since you met him. I've had a dozen boyfriends and about half that many heartbreaks. However, NEVER have I ever been with a man who would ever say or EVEN HINT at the things you wrote in your post. I mean, I know there are men like that out there but it's hard to hear firsthand experience from you. I can't imagine settling to the point where I would be with someone who would compare me with his ex, say things about my weight, buy gifts for his ex, tell me I'm "just okay", I mean these things are absolutely atrocious.
Something must have happened between your childhood and one year ago to have shattered your self worth to the extent that you would think he is all you deserve. I hope this is a wake up call. For you to crawl back to this bozo would scream of nothing but desperatism. Are you desperate? Is being single that awful that you'd rather be with someone who harms your spirit?
I really hope you take a long look in the mirror and learn to love yourself before you take another step toward him. It may sound really over the top, but I think you need to save yourself. Don't allow that kind of negativity into your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 7:54pm

Thanks popeyesgal...I guess I really needed to hear that. All this time I was believing in his excuses: "I bought that for her b/c we're close friends," "I'm only talking about her b/c I want to be open with you," etc. Or I was just making excuses for his behavior: "he's only saying that b/c he's blunt," "it's just a comment," "I'll just ignore it even though it hurts my feelings b/c he's a guy".

Anyway, I really needed to hear that since my friends would just say, "Yeah, what a jerk" but never tell me that I deserve better or that this isn't normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:41pm

well, I'm glad because I was afraid I came off a little too strong. But in reality you can never really come off too strong when you feel like somebody is selling their whole self so short, right?

#1 Yes, you do deserve better. NOT because of how you look, NOT because of the size of your breasts or ass. NOT because you have nice teeth. NOT because you are a good dancer. NONE of the crap that we're told our value is based on in this fickle society. you deserve better JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE. I'm sorry your friends haven't told you that. I can't imagine why not.

#2 Having a boyfriend say those things to you or treat you with disrespect in any way IS NOT "NORMAL". I mean we all make mistakes and say things we wish we hadn't but it sounds like your ex made a habit of downgrading you. THis is not just a "mistake". This is clearly his way of being and people who walk around on this earth with that way of being are toxic. Don't make excuses for them because it just gives them the green light to continue mistreating other people.

I really really hope you take some time alone to figure out your own value and only after that look for another relationship. Remember, life is far too short to be with a significant other in whose presence we feel our hearts slowly breaking. Be like a child again, when you were strong and had a vision of what you would and would not settle for. She's still in there somewhere probably waiting for you to find her again.