move on or hold on? ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
move on or hold on? ...
3
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:28pm

Hi everyone, I need some serious advice here. Not to take away from any of the other posts and questions, as I am sure they are equally as important... I am just desperate here.

So my boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years and I broke up 2 days ago. Even looking at that sentence seems so strange to me. We had a genuinely happy relationship for the most part. We were friends before we dated, which I know is important. Our relationship really started one random night at a party the summer before our senior year of high school. We had both been drinking, and we just started kissing outside in front of everyone. I was a little hesitant at first (I had never had a serious relationship and he had just gotten out of one- she was his first, he was her first... yeah, not the easiest competition... and he had also been the dumpee rather than the dumper, so I wasn’t sure if I was simply a rebound), but we took things slow and eventually made it to the big "I Love You" exchange. In the beginning, I guess I was playing hard-to-get with him- not because I was trying to make him want me more but only because I wasn’t used to being in a serious relationship and had always spent so much of my time with my friends. But I guess the hard-to-get method worked well, because I can remember him calling me some nights 20 times in a row when he desperately wanted to see me. I didn’t know how to take that at first, (and little did I know I would be wishing for those 20 calls in a row later on in the relationship).

Well we made it through our senior year, the summer that followed, and then both attended the same college in the fall. From the beginning to the middle of the relationship was our happiest. A month after college classes began, he got drunk one night and had sex with someone who had gone to high school with us and had been 2 grades ahead (and who also went to our college). That was a rough time for me. He had always seemed more devoted to the relationship than I was... he would bring up getting married and the future and how he would never do anything to hurt me and never leave me. When that happened (and he didn’t tell me until 4 weeks after), I was obviously devastated. I told him I needed time apart for a while.

We barely spoke for a month, and right before Christmas, we began hanging out again. During the whole separation, I could tell he was in agony over what he had done. He would talk to my friends and family, try to get in touch with me, and his friends said he was just generally depressed. The day we saw each other for the first time in 3 weeks, he came to my door and when I opened it, I saw he had been crying and he looked so tortured. He just ran to me and we hugged for what seemed like an hour. We sat and talked and listened to some of "our songs". Yes, sort of corny, but it was a very emotional time.

After getting back together, I noticed many changes in my attitude toward him. I was much less trusting, obviously. I was jealous, and rather than being the one who would receive the 20 calls in a row, I was the one making them. (I know that guys like the chase, and I think that might be part of the reason his attitude toward me changed as well.) I got upset much easier and seemed to cry more in a month than I used to in a year. I felt a little humiliated because all of our friends knew what had happened and they had been there for me, and I think some of them were disappointed to see me take him back. They would offer up phrases like "Once a cheater, always a cheater", which I don't necessarily believe is always the case. It depends on the circumstances. Anyway, post-cheating our relationship seemed to have lost a lot of its shine.

Nevertheless, we stayed together for the rest of the school year, spending much of our time together, staying up many late nights together, fighting, apologizing, meeting for lunch between classes, and so on... I realized that our relationship didn’t seem quite as fun as it used to be. We didn’t go on nearly as many nights out, to the movies, out to dinner... basically the romance was minimized. But we still loved each other. We loved having each other. I don't even remember what it was like to be single. I don't remember life without waking up every day knowing I had him to call if I ever needed to talk, or to be with if I ever just needed to cuddle. His family knew me well and my mom and sister absolutely adored him. I was there for his grandfather's funeral, his dad's talent show, his brother's graduation party... he was there for my sister's birthday, my little cousin's birthday party. I know that convenience and history aren’t reasons to stay together, but we had so much more than that.

Well... to the break up: During the summer, he works full-time and I work part-time, so we don’t get to see each other all that much anyway. For a few weeks prior to the break up, we hadn’t hung out at all... He had work and then was "tired", he would say. We saw each other at a party a mutual friend had, but barely spoke to each other and things seemed awkward. We also saw each other at another mutual friend's birthday barbecue... I showed up with my friends, he with his... I think we both said "Hi" and "Bye", but that’s it. We both knew there was something wrong. I tried to get a hold of him for nearly a week, and he never returned my calls. I wanted to talk to him about our relationship.

He finally texted me one day while at his lunch break. I told him to come over after work so we could talk. He said okay and then sent me a message an hour later stating that he and his friend's family were leaving for a 4th of July long weekend at the lake right when he got off. He would be gone for 6 days. Funny, he never mentioned anything of this trip to me earlier. So for the 6 days he was gone, I questioned everything about the relationship and what I would say to him and why he could possibly be acting the way he was. When he returned, he called me and said "Hey, what’s up?" like I had nothing to be mad about. Like he hadn't ignored me for the past 2 weeks.

We made plans to meet to talk the following night. That night, he sent me a message and said he had to help his dad with something and that he was sorry we wouldn��t be able to meet that night. I was frustrated. It wasn’t until Saturday that he called again, and he said people were over at his house drinking outside and that I should come by. So, after 2 and 1/2 weeks of anticipation, I was finally going to get to talk to him. Though I was so angry, I missed him. But I also knew something was going to have to happen. I arrived and he greeted me with a big hug. When he tried to kiss me, I resisted, reminding him I was still mad at him. We agreed that we would go talk with the people who were there for a little while and then go to his basement and talk.

When we got to his basement, we sat together and I started explaining my frustration to him. Then I said it seemed as if he wanted a break and was acting really strange and it upset me. Then he gets this weird expression on his face like he is dreading what he is about to say, and he says, "Would you hate me?" Even though I had a feeling something like that was coming, it hurt. Badly. I held in my tears and acted as if I thought maybe a break wasn’t a bad idea. Thinking back on it, I don’t know whether I really was feeling that way or didn’t want him to think he had that power over me to dump me. I knew our relationship wasn’t what it used to be, but I think maybe I wasn’t ready to end it. There is really no sense in begging someone to want to be with you. It only makes you look desperate, and you shouldn’t have to convince the person who loves you to stay with you.

We talked about how we both thought we might have missed out on part of the college experience by dating our first year... how college was a great time to experiment with other people... how we should take this time to enjoy ourselves. I told him I had been feeling that way too and that I had wanted to talk to him about it all week. He said he just wanted to be on his own right now. He said that there wasn’t another girl, but that he didn’t want to have a girlfriend and just wanted to enjoy himself and be with friends for a while. “Beer is my girlfriend”, he joked.

We both talked about wanting to remain friends, and about how we were each other's best friends (or at least one of them), and that we should still see that movie we had wanted to see together. Then we laid down together for a while. Maybe it wasn’t the appropriate thing to do after a break up, but we kissed and were intimate (no sex though!). He also commented that we could still do things physically together every once in a while… including sex. “We’re friends… friends can have sex. What’s wrong with that?” were his words. I told him I thought it might complicate things. I brought up the fact that it would seem like we were still in a relationship, and also that if we met other people, it would make it that much harder. He didn’t agree. I’m not sure how I feel about him wanting to be physical still. I want to remain close with him, but I want him as a boyfriend, and I don’t know if I could handle it. But that also brings me back to thinking, Well maybe if we stay physical and everything seems the same as it has been, we will eventually fall back into relationship mode and forget all this break up stuff. He even talked about him wanting me to still come over to his new apartment in the fall and hang out and “drink beers” with him and his roommates. Afterward, he walked me to my car and as soon as I started to drive away, the tears came. I had been holding them in all night. It felt good to cry. I felt helpless and just wanted to hug him. I was in shock over what had just happened. I drove to one of the "spots" we used to drive to at the beginning of the relationship when we wanted to hang out or make out but didn’t want to be in our parents' houses. I parked my car, listened to some of my favorite sad relationship songs, and cried.

When I got home, I talked to my mom about it. She and I have always been close. My best friends were out of town, which is really frustrating. The night after the break up, I was lying in bed, thinking about everything, and yes, crying some more... and he called. I got excited when I saw his name on the Called ID. He was calling to see if I wanted to go to that movie. It was late when he called, I was a mess, and I was unsure if it was such a good idea anyway, so I told him it was too late. I wanted to go though. I wanted to see him. Desperately. I kept thinking, did he call me because he misses me too? Or was he just seeing if I wanted to go to the movie because we had talked about it and he was trying to keep things friendly?

One of the things that bothers me the most about the night we broke up is the fact that he seemed so sure of himself while he was telling me how he felt about everything. He even said, "You will be surprised how different you feel" (in regards to being single after a break up). It seemed like he was trying to help me get over it, like he was coaching me on how to be single, like he was trying to get me to move on because he had. I felt like he should have been equally upset. I wanted to see his eyes start watering. Nothing. I also know it may have been easier for him because he had been drinking, though not to the extent of being completely oblivious. My mom also said that it may have been easier for him because he had already been distancing himself, and it came suddenly to me (well, sort of). Whatever the reason, a little more emotion would have made me feel much better.

On Monday, his away message online read, “Outside doin what we do”. (Meaning he was outside with his friends… he always jokingly talks like that.) It just seemed like a slap in the face. I was home miserable missing him and everything about our relationship, and it seemed the break up hadn’t even fazed him. Why isn’t he missing me as much as I miss him? Is he trying to cover up his feelings or is he really that relieved to be rid of me? I wanted to talk to him, to see what he was doing. I hoped he would call me again that night to see if I wanted to go to the movie again. I made sure I was ready in case he called. It’s not like it was totally crazy to think he would call – he did call the night before. I texted him and asked him what he was up to. He told me he was swimming. I went on to tell him about my moms revelation about her relationships (she has been dating two men and finally decided it would make it easier on herself to dump one, especially since the one is married). He thought that was funny. He and I had always joked about that and it felt good to know he still found humor in the situation. By 10, I knew he wouldn’t be calling about the movie. Did I make him think I didn’t want to hang out because of the night before? More questioning.

I have told a few friends and relatives about the split. Some offer their apologies, some offer inspiration to move on, and some respond by saying, "I wonder how long that will last". I guess I know that I shouldn’t stay with him until marriage without experiencing for myself, at least at one point, what else is out there. But at the same time, I think maybe I just am not ready to be a single gal in the city. I think I may not have been ready to let go of him… not just yet. Even before we dated, I was never a fan of the single lifestyle. I always knew I was the girl that liked to have the security that comes with knowing you have someone in the world to go to when you need them. I loved that on nights when there was nothing to do, we would just hang out and watch a movie or just be with each other. I love that the things that I saw as flaws in him at the beginning of the relationship became the things I loved most (and miss most). I loved that I always knew I had at least one person in my corner. My house was his house, and his mine. My little sister absolutely adored him and looked up to him. He knew all about my little quirks and weird habits and loved everything about them.

People say that when you get out of a relationship, the best thing to do it to move on and cut all ties. They say that once you give it a while, you will think of that person less and eventually come to like being single. I don’t know if I am just in a phase where I want to be in a relationship or just not the kind of girl who likes to be on her own... but I think it’s the latter. Part of me thinks I should force myself to move on and just surround myself with friends and family and keep busy, but the other part really wants him in my life. I keep thinking maybe all we need is a fresh start. Vie always heard of "on-again-off-again" relationships... maybe ours will be like that. Maybe this was simply a “break”, not a “break up”. Is there a difference? We didn’t even discuss the terms of our break up.

When I talk about our break up, it just seems so final. I still am trying to grasp it. Is he missing me just as much as I’m missing him, and just maybe wants to take a little time in the summer to hang out with friends and be free? Maybe he’ll decide that by the time school starts in the Fall, he needs me back. Does he really want to stay friends or is that just something he thought he should say? What are the chances he will get back together with his ex? I’ve always hated the saying “You never forget your first love”. It always made me feel in competition with his ex because they were each other’s firsts. After they broke up, he took it really hard and was depressed for a while. Maybe that’s another reason it was so hard for me to see him not take it so hard when him and I broke up.

How likely is it for recently broken up couples to get back together? Is it more common for a couple to go their separate ways or come back to each other? Is it pointless for me to hold on to the possibility that he will realize after a little while that he misses me? Would it be completely wrong if we were to go to that movie sometime soon together? Every response to any sort of "We broke up but should I keep trying?" question always seems to be "Move on". That just seems so depressingly hopeless to me. I really feel like it’s not that simple, and that every relationship and break up is unique.

If anyone has read this and has made it to the end, I am grateful just for that much. If you feel you have any refreshingly wise words or ideas for me, I would really love to hear what you have to say. Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:22am

I made it through your whole post! It was a long one, but you were trying to get everything out.

Reading your post brought back many of my memories of my break-up almost 3 months ago. I will give you a little background so you know where I'm coming from. My ex and I were together 4.5 years since our Junior year in highschool. He is 22, I'm 21. He broke up with me 11 weeks ago because he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed some time alone, was trying to figure out what he wanted out of life, etc... He said he still loves me, and that I did nothing wrong, but that this was something he needed to do.

I, at first, tried the desperate thing, trying to get him back, but one day it clicked and I realized that I wasn't that desperate type of girl, I needed to find my strength again, that strength I had at the beginning of our relationship. I went the no contact route for 4 weeks, and then I called him. We now talk about once every 2 weeks or so.

Ironically enough, our positions kinda have changed. When we first started dating I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, I didn't believe in love, and I didn't want to ever get married and he was the one who was all for love, marriage, etc... As time went on I got to where I started to believe in love because I was in love, and I did want to get married. But the past two years, my ex started to change his views on marriage. I don't know why, probably some of it stems from the fact that his parents went through a nasty divorce and all of his friends are single and free.

I too have wondered how he can just let everything go and act as though nothing is bothering him when inside I feel like I'm dying. But men handle things differently, as I've come to realize, just because your ex isn't showing his emotion on the outside doesn't mean that he doesn't miss you or doesn't hurt, he just is handling it like a man.

I know what you are going through and it is hard, but TRUST me when I say it will get better. Time does help, but you also have to find your inner strength and realize that it will be okay. Life does go on.

I'm going to give you some advice someone on these boards gave me one time:

"You need to move on with your life, moving on doesn't mean that you don't love him, or that you won't get back together one day, it just means that right now you're moving on. You can't wait on someone who doesn't want you."

It sounds kinda harsh, but its true.

I would strongly advise you to not see your ex for awhile, I know you want to, but you need to take some time to heal, and you definitely do not need to do intimate things with him, it will only make you hurt more and hope for something more that may never happen.

There may be a chance that you and your ex will get back together, but you can't sit around doing nothing waiting for it to happen. I too hope that my ex will want to have me in his life again one day, but it may never happen and I have to prepare myself for that.

My philosophy: Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

Keep posting on these boards, they are a lifesaver. Reading other people's posts help too, it helps you see that there are people out there going through the exact same thing you are.

Remember if you and your ex are supposed to be together, you will be.

I'm here for you, and if you need to e-mail me that's fine.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 2:24pm

Hi and welcome to the board, hopefully you'll find some support and understanding here,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 4:05pm

I got through your whole post :)- sorry you are going through a hard time.

I agree with what the other ladies said but for me, one thing that you wrote really stood out to me. "I'm not a big fan of the single lifestyle." Now, I'm guessing you are 19 maybe- if you are going to be a sophomore- so at this point, your "single" life pretty much consisted of age 13-17?! I'm not trying to be flip...what I'm trying to say is- you don't know what it's really like to be single. And, as a 28-year-old woman, I'm telling you that you NEED to learn how to be single. Because if you get used to the comfort of being in a relationship, you will stay with a guy you shouldn't stay with because you are afraid to be alone. That is a horrible position to be in- and I see girls do it all the time.

College is such a wonderful experience- take advantage of it! Don't worry about your ex. This is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what makes YOU happy. Invest your time into your girl friends and just having fun. Right now, it's hard to imagine it, but you will be so much better off in the long run if you stay unattached for a while and focus on YOU. As you get older, you will realize how important it is to enjoy your own company and not be dependent on someone else to make you feel complete and secure. Trust me- the single life has its benefits too :)!

You sound like such a smart cookie- don’t settle for this “friends with benefits” deal your ex wants. You are WAY too good for that. If he doesn't want to be friends on your terms, then too bad for him.

Take care of yourself right now- things will get better :).

Erica