Moving On

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Moving On
22
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:12pm
I was going to post this yesterday and didn't but now I feel like I really need help!
I have been in a LDR for 1 yr and on and off for the last 3 months.
He had to relocate from FL to NY, so before he left I went to visit in FL. He called every day to tell me how excited he was that I was coming.
We had spent 5 days in FL, had a great time. He called every 30 mins on
his drive to NY (24 hours). Told me, he needed to get settled in and wanted me to visit soon. As soon as he got there, he had to change #'s (different service providers) and didn't bother to call with the new #. When I finally was able to contact him, thats when he started leaving all the I miss you and love you messages.
Then he disappeared again.
I have only called about every 3rd week. I have never felt this bad
ever.I normally have a very bad outlook on relationships but he is the only
one who I feel is really into starting his business and straightening out his life.
I didn't feel like there was someone else.
He FINALLY called me to talk and wanted to tell me, he had met someone else and went on 1 date but he hasnt heard back from her. He is not sure how he feels about her, she asked him out unexpectedly. He cant do the LDR anymore he says it hurts to much when I leave but wants to be friends.
I do appreciate his honesty, but knowing that I am miserable, mopey and crying my eyes out makes me want to hate him.
Of course, I googled her (childish, i know) and he told me she was the President of his Bank, she is a teller!! Why would he lie? Does it matter who/what she does?
He has been gone for 6 weeks and I have been a total mess.
I have always had bad luck in relationships and I truly believed he was honest, sincere and trustworthy. I am so confused!
I just want to start feeling like myself and get back to my life, which is pretty great except for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 3:07pm

Welcome to the board lanis2007,


Sounds like you might want to try No Contact for awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 3:19pm
I HAVE to have NC, he is seeing someone else!
I thought honestly that he was working on getting settled in with his new business and life so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. One too many times, it seems.
I am normally a very strong person and I have never had feelings this strong before. I went through a bad divorce and a 10 yr relationship and have never been this crazy before.
When my friends went through breakups and did the crying, not eating, sleeping, etc. I never understood it! I dont miss a meal for anyone!:)
I actually looked up jobs and real estate and considered moving there.
I just need time to get this behind me and get back to normal.
Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 3:52pm
I was in your situation too...preparing myself to move to his city, getting excited about the new life, etc, when he broke up with me. It's so difficult, and I think when we find ourselves in situations like this, again, it's easy to become bitter about men and dubious of the future. BUT. I think all the breakup advice about working on ourselves, making our lives what we hope and dream of BY OURSELVES is so critical. I am just realizing that this is an opportunity, not a punishment. It can be a chance for us to take a good hard look at ourselves, do an inventory of what we want to enhance and what we want to throw out. Hold onto the hope! I believe this will get easier with time, we just have to be patient. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:41am
I am glad I found these message boards because I truly thought I was just completely crazy.
I know now that he has moved on and I won't contact him.
The thoughts of never hearing from him again and that he is with someone else, makes me soo sick to my stomach. I believe that all in time, it will get easier but I really cant take much more of this!
Thanks for your thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: lanis2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:46pm
I related to your comment about flipping out over this last guy but not the 10yr relationship or your marriage. I too flipped out over my last relationship ending but never felt THIS upset about prior dumps. I'm still trying to figure out why this one was so hard...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:01pm
I have been on these boards all day and they really do help.
Knowing that others are going through the same things. I completely believe all the stuff about being good to yourself, it takes time to heal, etc.
Why am I beating myself up about not being good enough, nice enough, pretty enough, thin enough? Also, it hurts so much to think that he doesn't still have some kind of feelings. I KNOW I am a good person and treated him very well while we were together but somehow I cant shake that somehow it is my fault.
I am sure I wouldn't answer if he called but it I think I would feel better if he did.
This is also a great place to put things that I would like to say to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: lanis2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:34pm
I thought all those things too. Beat myself up daily blaming myself for his bad actions/choices. But the bottom line is that I know he KNOWS I'm an awesome woman. I now believe what everyone has been telling me from the start--it was him, not me. It really was. His decision to leave had nothing to do with me. Now, yes, he did have some odd ball "picky-ness" issues (for example, he didn't talk to me for a week once because I had licked a piece of breading off my fingers when we were out eating french fries and breaded shrimp--FINGER FOODS!). That seriously was a "thing" for him and quite nearly, a deal breaker. But he stayed. However, I think he then started looking for imperfections about me so he could say ah-ha! She is not as perfect as I thought. The thing he has done in his past relationships (learned through bits and pieces of conversation we had here and there). Stupid stuff! I now have to wonder...why was I the one who stayed for 4 months?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:52pm
I dont want to sound like a broken record- I know it was completely him and not me. I am positive he knows what a good person I am. Why then do I still feel like I do?
How do i stop beating myself up, especially when I know it is his loss. His decision was based on our LDR, which I was working on.
Of course, I have these constant crazy thoughts of did he care at all, is he missing/thinking about me? WHY WHY WHY do I care and does it matter what he thinks or does?
Why cant I get that through my head and heart?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: lanis2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:57am
I admit, I still do wonder those things--on occasion. But nowhere near as often as I used to. I probably stopped wondering if he missed me etc. only about two weeks or so ago. So it takes time. When I look back at where I was then vs now, 3 mos. later, I can see the huge change. I seriously didn't think I'd make it. I thought I would DIE...literally just stop breathing one day. I gave him soooo much power over me. But you know...it actually does just happen suddenly when things are different and you can start taking a step forward. I took him off my yahoo messenger list almost right away...but then started using buddy spy to see if he was online. I have to force myself not to check anymore...(lol!) I believe deep down that my ex does think about me--no where near as much I do him--but I know I was good to him. We never fought. Not once. I am a stable and together person and I know he knows this. Its what he liked about me. I can't imagine him NOT ever thinking about me. Its just that for whatever reason, he chose not to stay with me. It hurts, but I now see it is for the best because I really crave someone who is crazy about me and loves me without restrictions. Something he never did...I hated it when people said this to me...but I'm now saying it to you...you will get through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 3:14pm
I looked up the new girlfriends My Space page and it made me sick!
She has posted that she has a new b/f. He told me he only went out with her once. The thought of them together makes me sick to my stomach.
She is a single parent, living at home with her parents. AND 21!
I really cant wait for the day that I don't care about either of them!

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