Moving on - 2 years too late

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Moving on - 2 years too late
7
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:58am
I recently found out my ex-boyfriend proposed to his girlfriend. I knew that he had bought a ring but I had been denying/suppressing any thoughts and feelings I may have had about the situation. This ex was the longest relationship I have ever had, I lost my virginity to him, he was the first person I ever 'loved,' etc. I also considered him to be the best friend I had in the world, the person who knows and understands me better than anyone.
His being engaged has hit me really really hard. I opened up to my mom about it yesterday and she was shocked because she didn't think I had any feelings left for this person. We have been broken up for over 2 years. However, during those two years, both he and I dated other people, but also went back and forth as friends/more than friends.
I feel awful and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to move past this. I feel sad because I may have blown the best relationship I ever had. I feel sad because I lost the best friend I ever had (I hadn't heard from him in a few months - now I realize it's because he was so serious about his relationship). I don't know if I was never 'over' him in the first place or how to get 'over' him now.
This guy was always my excuse to not get serious about other guys. I have dated guys casually but ruin things when they want me to commit to being their girlfriend - because in the back of my head I'd think my ex might come back to me. I am dating a guy casually right now - the same day that I find out my ex is engaged and how badly it affected me the new guy tells me he wants a full-on relationship with me. I don't want this ex thing to ruin a good situation with a new guy!
I need to do something to change my life and move on so I can have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to love. Please help me, I need suggestions. I want to get through and over this. HELP.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:44pm


a little additional information that might help you understand/help me:
-one thing I decided to do today was delete my myspace account completely. I don't get anything positive out of it, I just look at ex-friends and ex-boyfriends and compare their lives to mine and then feel bad about myself.
-I also ordered new bed linens this morning ... here's why - first of all the old ones are ratty so technically I'm treating myself, which will hopefully cheer me up a little. but also, the old ones were picked out by the ex who just got engaged, so I figure it would be bad 'feng shui' or whatever to continue on with them ...
-thirdly, I have a book called 'go away come closer' - a self help type book about intimacy and relationships that a college counselor recommended to me years ago but I never got around to reading. I guess I'm going to start reading it and doing a little journaling. Maybe I'll learn something about myself that will help me move past the old relationships and/or start a healthy one with the new guy
wish me luck :(



 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:20pm

I dated a guy in college for about 2 yrs. He gave me a diamond and sapphire (my birthstone) "promise ring", he lavaliered me (fraternity thing), we planned our timeline for gettting married, and our families talked about it. We were SURE. Then just before jr yr we broke up. That was that. I was more devastated than I've ever been for about a month, then the new school yr started and I was distracted. Senior yr rolled around and I was on a break from the guy I'd been seeing. My old ex heard and came running, professing how it was always me for him, and we belong together. We tried dating for a few weeks and I realized I missed my most recent ex (what makes it odd is that THAT guy is basically the least significant relationship I'd even been in - go figure). That was the end of us. We stayed in vague email touch over the next few months, and then about 6 months later I got an IM from him saying he was movin in with his new gf. He followed a month later with one saying she's moved in finally--because they were engaged. I cried every day for a least a wk.

He's been married for 3 or 4 yrs now, and I'm on this board miserable over someone else. But every so ofter those "what ifs" pop up again, despite knowing I loved this most recent boyfriend with everything I am. I think it's normal when confronted with big news, sudden changes, or someone going on with the life you at some point had planned for yourself without you to be sad, or jealous, or scared or miserable. Very few people come into your life in that way and leave absolutely nothing behind.

You'll find your next "great love" eventually, trust me. Some people take a little longer, are a little more selective. I'm 26 yrs old and I've already been head over heels, can't live without you in love FIVE times. You do NOT want to be like me - how much heartache can one person REALLY keep putting herself through?!? =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:49pm

Welcome to the board iv_aingeal,


"What if" and "if only" will not do you any good. We all do it at one time or another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 3:03pm

I am so sorry for you. What you are going through is something I know will probably hear re: my ex soon, and I dread the day.

I think your plan to journal and read books about relationships is great - that is your survival instinct telling you that you are going to move on and get through this.

Know that everything in life happens for a reason, even if you cant see it right now, there is a reason for this. I still dont know the reason behind my breakup (many months ago now) but I just keep telling myself there has to be one - just like for you there is one (hey - maybe your new guy)

Right now just take it a day at a time, grieve, let your feelings about the engagement out, and just put one foot in front of the other. Thats all you can ask of yourself right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:58pm
Good to hear I'm 'normal' :)
Thanks for the response/advice.
I'm 25 and haven't had quite as many great loves as you, but I wouldn't mind catching up(despite the heartbreak)!!! :)
Thanks again.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 10:00pm
I don't think I'm doing a lot of what if and if only -ing. I am really down though. That's the frustrating part of all this - lot's of tears, but not sure exactly why they are falling.
Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 10:03pm
I am going to move on and get through this.
Writing has always been one of my ways of working through things. I spent 25 minutes reading a book and journaling about it tonight. It's not a lot of time, but I figure a little each day will help me move forward without overwhelming me/my daily life.
I agree there's a reason for things happening - just wish I knew what it was already! :)Thanks for your response.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker