Moving On

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Moving On
22
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:12pm
I was going to post this yesterday and didn't but now I feel like I really need help!
I have been in a LDR for 1 yr and on and off for the last 3 months.
He had to relocate from FL to NY, so before he left I went to visit in FL. He called every day to tell me how excited he was that I was coming.
We had spent 5 days in FL, had a great time. He called every 30 mins on
his drive to NY (24 hours). Told me, he needed to get settled in and wanted me to visit soon. As soon as he got there, he had to change #'s (different service providers) and didn't bother to call with the new #. When I finally was able to contact him, thats when he started leaving all the I miss you and love you messages.
Then he disappeared again.
I have only called about every 3rd week. I have never felt this bad
ever.I normally have a very bad outlook on relationships but he is the only
one who I feel is really into starting his business and straightening out his life.
I didn't feel like there was someone else.
He FINALLY called me to talk and wanted to tell me, he had met someone else and went on 1 date but he hasnt heard back from her. He is not sure how he feels about her, she asked him out unexpectedly. He cant do the LDR anymore he says it hurts to much when I leave but wants to be friends.
I do appreciate his honesty, but knowing that I am miserable, mopey and crying my eyes out makes me want to hate him.
Of course, I googled her (childish, i know) and he told me she was the President of his Bank, she is a teller!! Why would he lie? Does it matter who/what she does?
He has been gone for 6 weeks and I have been a total mess.
I have always had bad luck in relationships and I truly believed he was honest, sincere and trustworthy. I am so confused!
I just want to start feeling like myself and get back to my life, which is pretty great except for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 5:26pm

yes but let's start by not looking up either of their myspace pages at all, shall we?

You just broke NC, btw.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 7:38pm
He isn't on myspace, just her. I didn't know that was N/C.
I am new to these boards.
I am having a hard time not calling. I think of them together and it drives me insane...
I know that nothing he says will make me feel better, only worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 9:10pm

No sweat. Make a note for next time.

wish someone would post an NC guideline too. But genernally anything you do to 'stay in touch' with his life would constitute NC. And you'll know because after you do it, it makes you feel worse after you do it. But for reference

1. emailing
2. IMing
3. calling
4. seeing in person
5. driving by his house
6. contacting his friends to get an update
7. Frequenting places you hope he'll be at

There's probrably more, but that's the gist of it

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: lanis2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 6:17pm
Think about it...the girl is probably a re-bound! Someone to get him through. She'll get old real quick and be his next dump!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 6:45pm
She is only 21, it wouldn't last anyway.
This is really bothering me! I cant stop thinking about this.
I know it really doesn't matter and when I look back later, I will realize what an idiot I am being right now.
I already admitted before, I went to her Myspace page. She has recent pics posted of her new boyfriend and it is not my ex.
I think he truly made the whole thing up! He also said she was President of his bank.
She is a teller who already has a great boyfriend (per Myspace).
Part of me wants to call him and tell him, I know he lied. BUT I think he lied so he wouldn't have to tell me to stop calling.
I am soo much better than this,I don't even understand me right now!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 11:14pm

It's natural, your world's just been turned upside down.

I remember thinking for the longest time no mere BOY would make me beg. I used to pity this acquaintance of mine who threatened to commit suicide to keep her boyfriend with her. Shamefully, when he broke up with me, I did both of those things (not that I'll ever admit to it again). I guess that's why pain is such an effective measure...you'd do anything to make it stop for a second, even things you regret in hindsight. So take heart, there's always someone that sunk much lower, but managed to pull themselves up.

cheers

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:45am
This is interfering with every aspect of my life.
I read these boards everyday and have mixed feelings. I get a sense of relief and support that I am not crazy and others are going through the same thing. But I read the other posts about ex's moving on or going 3, 6, 9,months or longer with no contact.
As I mentioned previously, it is hard to get through 1 day at a time. When I think of never hearing from him again that is when the panic attacks start.
I feel like he had no respect for me even as a friend. He says its just too hard because of the LDR, but all relationships are hard!!
I just wish someone/something could take all the hurt away.
In one of the previous posts, Suzanna, I think, compared us to a winning lottery ticket. Why cant he realize that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 1:36pm
I just recently realized this week that--I haven't been thinking about him on a constant basis. It took a long time to get here. Just over 3 months. I had the anxiety attacks that woke me out of a dead sleep or suddenly had me doing deep breathing at my desk at work. The knife stabbing pain of loss and grief...all of it. It does pass--even though I didn't believe it would. I used to read these messages and get jealous at those who's boyfriends contacted them after a few weeks. Mine just vanished. But you know what...now, I don't care! I know I'm worth more than he ever gave me. All relationships can be hard but they aren't so hard that you break up, you know? If someone truly wants to be with you, there is nothing that will keep them from you. Not one thing. Distance included. Therefore, your ex was not the one for you. In my situation, I realize that there is absolutely nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It would not have lasted. I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. It sucks that breakups cause sooooo much pain but now that I can see the light, I know I will love again. And so will you. You have to ask yourself, was HE really worth it?? I'm thinking not...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 1:51pm
Thanks for your post. Of course, i relate to every word.
I feel like I am in denial. This cannot be happening. It is like a nightmare.
I want to call him soo bad but I know he will never give me the answers/responses that I am looking for.
If you started feeling better after 3 months than I am 1/3 of the way to feeling better.
I guess that is something to look forward too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: lanis2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 2:14pm

Because sometimes it's not really meant for him to win the hundred million dollars. Why?

For example, if he wins, chances are he'll take it, cash it, and spend it without ever realizing the true value of the money. At the end, your potential has been spent and wasted because you gave and gave and he did nothing. And that is an empty love.

But the man you're with some day, he will be the one to cash it and invest it. So as time passes, your mutual benefit becomes great together. Your money (potential) will grow because he took the time to nurture it. But as the money grows, he too benefits from his investments. That is what a TRUE relationship is. Mutual love and growth, because everytime he helps you to become more to what you aspire to be, he's indirectly helping himself to grow into the person he is supposed to be.

And work at your own pace. It's good to know there are fellow travellers trudging along the same way, but at the end, the distance you make is all your own doing. Only know that you WILL reach that goal one day but also note that the hardship and lessons you learn on you journey there are necessary things. My point is don't compare yourself to other people; sometimes things aren't immediately apparant. For example, I finished getting over my break up in a month (we finished June 28th), but I'd been falling out of love for a long time before that. So no contact for me was easy..I didn't really miss him or like him by the time we 'officially' broke up. So you're starting where I was months before and chances are, you'll go through it faster than me.

Take it One day at a time. if you spend too much time regretting the past and worrying about the future, you have no energy left for today.

cheers,
Susanna




Edited 8/8/2007 9:28 pm ET by unicornssong
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your