Moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Moving on
6
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:24pm
Hi,

I just joined this forum and after reading some of the posts I'm really amazed at how wonderful and thoughtful people are on these boards. It's very inspiring.

Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend of six years. We loved one another deeply, but our relationship had never been incredibly stable. We met very young, I was 19 and he was 22, and we established unstable/unhealthy patterns early on. We never built a healthy foundation and we kept getting sucked into the same patterns over and over again. Plus, we had always been a lot of work because our emotional styles are so drastically different. When we faced conflict and challenges he would turn off, and I would turn on. Pushing him to face the conflict/challenge and talk it out. I realized I needed to leave when we were buying a house together and he just shut down and expected me to do everything...that was the clincher for me. I looked to the future and realized this man would expect me to take care of all of the responsibility when I want a partner.

So why am I writing? It's been a long time since I have been on my own and I am feeling really nervous about it. I just feel really emotionally young right now. I'm 25 and I run my own business and now I also own my own home (I bought it without him). I know I can handle those things, but the loneliness is *really* getting to me. I've been reading about how I should join volunteer groups, get together with friends, and get to know myself. (I think getting to know myself is very important because I had become such a different person over the last few months--angry all the time.) I love that advice and I'm going to take it. But, what I really want to do is cry all the time. I don't cry all the time, but I think if I let myself I would cry for two days straight. Plus I have been getting these huge rushes of nothing short of rage. I mean rage! How long till this goes away?? Any advice on how to forgive? Any advice on how to be your own friend?

Thanks for any thoughts. Have a lovely one.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: kt_33
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:58pm
Hi kt,

Going through this sucks. Plain and simple. I'm like you, trying to be my own friend. I'm starting big brothers, big sisters this week, and I"m gonna hunt up some other stuff to do. besides my Masters, of course!! I can relate to the angry part....the last part of my last relationship I was angry all the time.....sometimes for no reason! I've finally figured out it's cause I wasn't taking care of me....I wasn't doing stuff only for me. Like you, I'm 25. feel old, but young at the same time. Very confusing time right now. Guess we both just have to trust that time will heal us...how much time? that's the question, I guess.....however much time it takes. That drives me crazy, but I need to accept it. I am sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you have great things in store for you....your own house!! How lucky!!

hugs,

karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: kt_33
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:10pm
Hi kt... the only suggestions I can offer are the ones that are working for me... first let me say that the anger you are experiencing is a NORMAL part of the grieving process... so is the feeling of wanting to cry. Both are OKAY... as long as you don't act out on the anger. And the crying can be very healthy. I cried for almost two weeks straight in the beginning and still feel like crying sometimes. Then I get almost numb for a while and then back to crying... another thing that I have repeated over and over, to myself and others here, is that just because you know this is the right thing doesn't make it easy and doesn't make it hurt any less.

So, how do I deal with it? OK... first the crying. Allow it to happen... I cry at home alone (other than my dogs and cat)... and often I feel better for crying. Trying to repress it will probably delay the healing process. It's healthy to cry some... and normal.

So then, the anger? OK... first I "work it out". I will either go for a long, fast paced walk, or go cycling. Sometimes I cry while walking or curse him and my new situation, and being alone... sometimes I remember the good and the bad... I just allow whatever is happening to happen. Either way I tire myself so that maybe I can get some sleep... I also write. I have written soooooo many letters to him. Some would make a sailor blush... some would bring a soldier to tears... and he'll never see them, but it gives me a way to vent that frustration and "tell him off" without embarassing myself...

It sounds like you are a very squared away, strong woman who is making some good financial decisions for yourself... good for you for buying that house anyway. I wish you well... I know how ya feel... the lonliness can be overwhelming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: kt_33
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:05pm
kt-

Yes, you are definitely on the right track!! I agree with cabikerchick, too -- when my ex and I broke up the first time (I'm on my third (and last!!) breakup from him!!) I used to sob hysterically while I was riding my bike. I'd ride for as long as I was crying, and got up to 30 miles!!! After a few weeks of that, I'd dropped twenty pounds and the crying was a lot less!!

I also started volunteering for the Humane Society, which I'm still doing a year later. Another poster suggested Big Sisters; anything you can do that makes you realize that you are NOT the center of universe, pain or no, and helps you understand that you do make a difference are good.

Best of luck to you; time will help you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: kt_33
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 3:45pm
Hi Karen, caberchick, seamus2004.

Thank you for replying to me. You messages gave me such peace. Just hearing your support, stories, and care really means so much. I am feeling really good today. Very strong and peaceful. Days like this are a blessing and I just want you to know your words helped so much. My thanks abounds.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: kt_33
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:03pm
Welcome to the board!! I know it probably wasn't easy to end things with your ex, but it sounds like you weren't happy so it was the right choice. You will get over this pain, in time and will be much happier in the long run. Just go at your own pace....things will get better. Good luck and keep us posted!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: kt_33
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:29pm
I want to say congradulations on your business success and your home first of all. It is scary buying a home and living by yourself- but it only makes you stronger and more self suficiant. He sounded weak and almost by the way you came across describing his actions- depressed. A weak man in a relationship with a strong woman doesnt make a good match and Im glad you saw that early on! Many times we seem to attract the opposites to us, for balance etc. However when it comes down to something like this- its too extream. A strong woman needs a man who will push her into the right direction whether it be business, home, decision making, family. If its not there you would have soon grown tierd of him and not stimulated emotionaly or mentaly. You need to find someone similar to you but opposite in small differences. NOT LARGE ONES. When you do- he will be able to work with you not against you. You should never have to take care of your partner- you both need to work to take care of eachother. You did the right thing. As for lonelieness, Loneliness is only a state of mind and comes and goes. I think you are feeling more loneliness because you recently made some big steps in your life that you wish you could share with someone- NATURAL! You had the right idea- get out more, go out with friends and make the best out of being single right now- you deserve it!