Moving on is Hard Too Do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Moving on is Hard Too Do!!
8
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 4:32pm
Hello to everyone. This is my first time on this board and I have been reading Q & A's and have to say there is a lot of great advise on here. I was about to make a big mistake and call my ex and after reading some of the advise decided I shouldn't. So first off I want to thank all of you for saving me more greif than I have already been feeling. I was involved with him off & on for 4-1/2 yrs. We had some really great times and some really rough times. It has been an emotional roller coaster, so I totally understand all of your pains. My problem is that when we had our last contact I was totally out of control, I went crazy before I got any details and made things much worse. I even slapped him across the face. Which is totally out of character for me. I was just so angry, hurt and felt so betrayed at the time that I didn't even know what I was doing till it was too late. So anyways the NC has been pretty easy(at least for him), for me it has been hard. I really wanted to call and apologize for my insanity, but I know that he only thought about it till the sting wore off (lol), and has just chalked it up to women being psycho. I think about him all the time and really miss him, but after all that has happened, I know that I can't be with him again. I know that if i made contact he would talk to me and act like nothing happened, but it is just to painful. As for moving on it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had an easier time going through my divorce 7 yrs ago, than getting past this one. I have never felt like I felt when I was with him. I was so comfortable with him, more than I ever was with my ex-husband. My biggest problem with moving on is that I compare every man to him. Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect, but the good things really out number the bad. We got along great, we had great communication we talked about everything without judging each other, even about past relationships. He is spontaneous and fun and to top it off the sex was the best I have ever had, I didn't realize it could be so great. Our biggest problem was that he is afraid of commitment. He has been through 2 bad marriages and a bad long term relationship(which funny enough, she was the reason we had the one and only fight we ever had).Every time we would get to close he would pull away. He was faithfull while we were together, he just couldn't handle caring too much for me in fear that I would leave or hurt him. I know this sounds crazy but it's the truth. Well I just can't do it anymore. I can't let him in and then when it starts to get too close for comfort he leaves, I know I deserve more. But that's where it gets hard. How do you move on when you feel in your heart and gut that he is the "one" but know that it will never be? When I do meet someone I end up comparing them to him and no one ever matches up, not even close. I know I shouldn't compare them but I want someone like him and who makes me feel the way he did, so is it really wrong?? So if anyone has any advise or suggestions, I would greatly appreaciate hearing from you. And again Thank all of you for your great advise on the other questions. Like I said I think you saved me some heartache.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 5:10pm

The best suggestion I have is to immediately get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter, and skip ahead to the final section of the book, which is called something like, "How to Get Over a Commitmentphobic Relationship". Then go back and read the book, but read the last chapter every day, several times a day if you have to.

I've been exactly where you are (a post-divorce 4 year r'ship with a commitmentphobe) and reading that book and putting the principles into practice helped me move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 6:44pm

Oh man, I know the psycho woman drill. Two times immediately post break up I thought I could carry on a normal conversation and BAM, I lost my marbles and went nutty..I was able to apologize but...

I have no clue what to say aside from the suggestion given and the read. If he is not willing to commit, then as they say, he just ain't into you and YOU DESERVE one who is..

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:40am

Thanks for responding, I know there are no clear cut answers to moving on. It is just something that takes time. Just wandering if you fealt better after you apologized? Or was it harder. I am not the type of person to go off like that, and it is really bothering me that I did, even though I'm sure an apology would mean nothing to him, I feel like I have to do it for me. Any suggestion on that. I just don't want to seem anymore pathetic than I already was. Do you just chalk it up to a learning experience, or what? So many rules but no clear answers. LOL I just wish life could be simple, I just want to be in love with someone and have them be in love with me and just make it work. What is so difficult about that? Anyways thanks for letting me vent, that really helps. Take Care!!!

Felicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 7:46pm

The apology was for me as I cannot leave things bad. Also did not want to disrespect him. We had a lot of respect for each other over the years. We never swore at each other or anything like that until this past week when I was ballistic.

I think it's best to have NC, at least til the emotions calm down. We split on the phone so I will see him for closure and then move on..

I doubt experience can help really as each relationship vastly differs but I see some definite patterns I wish avoid hence why I go see a therapist tomorrow. I cannot do this alone right now. Am VERY fragile and need my ex for affirmation and comfort and that cannot be right now.

Best of luck sorting this out..it's work eh??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:28am

Thanks for your opinion, it helps to hear what other people think. My mind just races with should I or shouldn't I things. I guess the key is to do whats right for yourself, cuz after all that is all we can control or understand. I'm glad to hear you are seeing a counselor, I did for awhile and it really helped, my only problem was that I ended up getting back with him again after that and now I have to do the healing over again. But it has been easier since I have learned some of the tools to do that. Good luck in your venture.

Take care,
Felicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 5:30am

Many of the things you said were so much like something I would write that I had to respond to your message. My relationship was on and off for 3 years and I too have many of the same things in common with you...the sex was the best I ever had, he was very affectionate and he made me feel like I have never felt before. He wrote me heartfelt poems early in our relationship and I thought that we shared something very special. I thought he was the "one". I am blaming myself for the breakup and I know it couldn't have been all my fault. He thinks life is easy and fun and I think life can be fun but I definitely don't think it is easy so whenever we had conflict it just sent him over the edge. Conflict is not part of his unrealistic philosophy. I say no relationship is perfect and when things got to be work and effort it was no longer fun for him. I think most of our conflict stemmed from him not compromising. He is very social and his friends are most important to him. He just didn't seem to balance our relationship and his social life very well.

Still, through all the turmoil, we got engaged after 6 months of dating and we moved in together not long after. We were always breaking up and getting back together. I kept giving back the ring because I was so frustrated when we would fight that I truly felt like it was over. I now see that this was not a good thing to do unless I really meant it. We have been broken up for over two months and because we had been on and off before I didn't think that this was the 'end'. Never had we gone this long so as the weeks went by I started to panic and I would call him or email him. He never emailed me back but he always answered my calls. From everything that I have been able to get out of him he is still in love with me but he says he can't live in constant turmoil. I have apologized for the things I did wrong and made sure that he knew exactly how I felt about him. I didn't want him to have any doubts. I get impulsive after a week or so goes by and he hasn't called so I wind up calling him about something stupid. Believe me I have lost almost all my dignity and what is left is in jeopardy if I don't get a hold of myself soon. I contacted him last night (face to face) and we talked for 45 minutes. He cried on and off and he said he is hurting too but it (the relationship) just didn't work out. I don't know why I can't get it through my head that he is done. I just can't make sense of how he can go off hurting instead of trying to make it work. If he were to have said to me "I don't love you anymore" I wouldn't be confused, I would know that there is nothing I can do, I can't make him love me. I thought after our talk he would feel differently and want to try again but I didn't hear from him. Last he said was I could call him anytime. I did. I called him today and he was very nasty to me. I felt so hurt because the person that used to care about whether I was happy or whether I was sad was now just completely uncaring. I made a vow that I would not call or try to contact him again. I think that when we start to look weak we become unattractive and pathetic and I think that is how he is viewing me. It is amazing to me how I can spend three years with someone and feel like I know all about them and then have them act completely different, like a stranger. My feelings may change for someone but unless they have done something really bad to me I would not mistreat them. Why won't he just be abrupt and tell me to leave him alone? Does he not want to be the bad guy? Am I starting to push him to the point where he doesn't care and that is why he is being mean to me? Because if that is the case then calling him again could be emotional suicide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 7:51am

:He just couldn't handle caring too much for me in fear that I would leave or hurt him. I know this sounds crazy but it's the truth.:

This doesn't sound crazy at all.....it sounds normal to me. It's my story, and many others as well.

I'm sorry you're so hurt. Maybe we could all start our own support group online. There seems to be many of us here in the same situation

Maybe I'll work on an ezboard page. Anyone interested?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 7:58am

Agreed, Sheri....this book made me "see the light" like no other book or advice I have ever gotten. As a matter of fact I think I'll buy it and do what you suggested about reading the last chapter each day.

When I read it last Monday night, by the time I got to the end of the book, my lack of choices about this relationship were so clear. There is nothing to do but move on.

I wish my ex would read it.....for his own good. I did make that suggestion, but it's not my concern anymore.