Moving on.... but it doesn't feel right

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Moving on.... but it doesn't feel right
1
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:00pm

Hi Everyone....

I'm basically here because i've been reading books, articles and talking to so many friends and family and NOTHING is helping. Basically- I was with my ex since 2003. We were very on again off again.... but in the last little bit- we had been more on then anything. We were actually engaged... but I broke things off. I got exactly what I wanted... to be engaged to the man i loved... but I broke things off. The problem was with his family... or moreso his dad. His dad was prejudice and always had it in his head that his son should marry someone of their culture.... European. I'm far from European.. part Asian for crying out loud - but i'm a good person and his son loved me. I broke things off because I knew that there would always be those issues and in my heart I know that it doesn't have to be that way... but it will always be that way with his family and I don't deserve to go through that.

So this happened about 3 weeks ago. I've been keeping myself busy as much as I can- but now I'm starting to feel like i've skipped a stage of grieving or something. I've been working and going out with friends.. focusing on whatever else i can. But i know that things didn't end properly with us. But i feel like i'm a point where if I make contact with him... I could ruin my progress of moving on. I've written a few letters where I poured my heart out- but I ended up throwing them away because i never had the intentions of sending them anyways.

And I'm also going through the natural phase where I don't think that i'll even meet a guy who is right for me and it seems like every couple i know are getting married.... heck I just found out about one this morning! I'm nearly 25 yrs old and i don't feel like i'm anywhere near settling down or finding someone who I can possible settle down with!!

I'm not depressed but i'm feeling very hopeless...

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:12am
I totally relate to the feeling that "everyone else is getting married". I'm turning 30 this year and I can't tell you how many people I graduated with got married (and some even divorced by now). It's an awful pressure to have and it's pretty prevalent in society. However, society is changing more and more. If we think we're OLD to be married, imagine what our moms would have gone through at 25 or 30 year old unmarried women. We've come a long way!
Three years ago (26) I broke up with another boyfriend and ordered a book called, "living single in a couple's world." It helped me see a lot of the bias in our society and how single people need to start embracing it and not allowing the bias to creep into our hearts and affect our self-esteem. Check out the book. You can buy it cheap on ebay. Anyway, I broke up again 3 weeks ago too (and remember, I'm 29 years old). The thing is, like one year ago as I realized I was approaching 30 I had a real turnaround. I decided that the internal pressure were awful and I didn't want them anymore. I've focused instead on taking care of my health and trying to keep myself in tip-top shape physically and mentally (as best I can, that is). THe healthier you are, the more attractive you will remain and be to others.
Don't forget that a lot of people who marry just because of the pressure to do what they're "expected to do" may not be ready at all for it and end up divorced. I'd rather get my own act together so that when I finally do find someone outstanding, I'll be better prepared to lay the groundwork for a long-lasting and healthy relationship, instead of one based on fear and co-dependence (the unhealthy kind).
You are not alone is what I'm basically saying. There is nothing wrong with you. In the meantime, are you carrying your life in a direction where you are learning and growing or are you just existing until your "prince" comes along?