Moving/Assault/Divorce - My Story
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| Thu, 11-09-2006 - 6:13pm |
My story is long so bear with me. In July I moved to a new city. My husband/partner of 5+ years had moved here a few months prior in order to find work and get started on getting us settled. During our time apart things had been tense but not horrible. We loved each other a great deal and were devoted to each other. 4 days after I arrived we got into an argument. The argument quickly escalated and he proceeded to choke me, punch me, spit on me and verbally abuse me. He drove off leaving me in shock and totally traumatized (there was no history of violence between us before this). I called the police the next morning and he was eventually picked up, arrested and arraigned on 4 counts. He was put into a program for first time domestic violence offenders. The condition of this program mandated that he could have NO contact with me. I fought to get some email contact (I needed his help monetarily, I had only just arrived and I had no job!!).
Once we had contact he proceeded to tell me that he was filing for divorce. He said he believed I was out to "damage" him and that I tried to "ruin his life" when I called the police on him. He also said he could not forgive me for having him thrown in jail. As you can imagine, the combination of being assaulted and then being told all that was devastating. I asked him if he was interested in getting some counseling, even if we were to divorce. We could at least work through what had happened. He wanted nothing to do with it (or me), and with a total of 4 emails told me it was over.
We had issues like any other couple, but only days before he hit me we had sworn our love for each other and that we were going to work through the rough transition that moving had created. Even in his brief email contact he told me he loved me and missed me but that we could not be together. Looking at this logically, I should not want to be with a man who did that to me. However, it's very hard. I remember the person he was before, the man who treated me lovingly and promised me that we would be together forever.
We signed the divorce papers last week. The meeting was surreal, he acted as though he barely knew me, hardly spoke a word to me. He did not even say goodbye. It was heart-wrenching!! To make matters worse I am about to finish up a contract job and will be unemployed soon. My daughter is here with me (he is not her father) and we are trying hard to make the adjustment to our new life. It seems to get better with each passing day but something small will set me off and I will start bawling like a baby. I miss him and still love him, even though he did something horrible to me. I don't want to get back together but I did not even have closure. It feels more like a sudden death than a break-up.
The icing on the cake is that I found out he is seeing someone already. He waited a total of 2 months before seeking out a girlfriend. The really creepy thing is that she herself is just getting out of a long marriage that was abusive! She’s also almost 20 years older than him. It truly turns my stomach.
I found this board and after reading it, I felt so much better. Knowing I am not alone in my sadness and suffering is a tremendous relief. It gives me hope -- I have to believe things will get better. I visualize a happy life without him, a life where I will never worry that the man I trusted utterly will hurt me again. Of course I also like to visualize some pretty negative things about him, but that only feeds on itself and does me no good. Staying positive really helps me!
Thanks for listening,
E

How horrible for you. While reading you post, before you mentioned him already dating, my thought was either 1) he's on drugs or 2) he's having an affair. His reaction was way over the top. His reaction to the charges filed were also over the top. You were trying to ruin his life. Geez, HE hurt you.
As for closure, start journal writing. Vent away. Sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, the right thing will happen at the right moment (good friends, new job, support, etc) will happen and things will smooth out.
Carrie
first of all i'm so sorry for what happen...anyways you dont wanna be with this kinda person right??(abusive) yah he only did it to you once...but trust me if he start hitting you...HE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN..
Actually my first love did that to me also he push me hard...after that i told him i cant be with him anymore...well ofcourse after few months he start dating some other "B"..guess what that girl was getting beat up also by him...(that girl call me and told me about it). but actually they end up got married now....but i dont care...
now both of them have something against me for some reason..they both hate me!!
anyways it doesnt mean his not there for you...its the end of your world..."NO!!!"...it means too many option....beside you have your daughter with you...at this point enjoy the moment that you could give her(only her)..you know what i mean..i bet yah she been waiting for this moment....right???
good luck
Hi. I am so sorry you're going through this. But I think the divorce was right, and I feel sorry for the woman he's dating. His hostility to you shows that he must not have learned much in his domestic violence offender's program. If anything, he should have apologized for what he did and realized that you saw no alternative but to call the police. You have a duty to protect yourself and your child! It doesn't sound like there was any hope, and so it was better for you to get out than to get hurt again (physically or emotionally).
I hope that you can find peace and find what you're looking for. Take time to be sad and spend time with your daughter, find new activities. You deserve much more than a man who hurts you and won't take responsibility for his actions.
You are lucky that you got out of that relationship so quickly. Don't have any contact with him. Zero contact. Try to move closer to family or friends, if you haven't done so already.
After a divorce is final, it takes about 1 year to feel normal again. You might benefit from some therapy sessions to talk out what happened. Maybe the therapist can help you find some red flags about your exh. His behavior might not have been so out-of-the-blue as it seemed to be.