Mr. "OK" PLEASE HELP!- UPDATE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2014
Mr. "OK" PLEASE HELP!- UPDATE!!!
15
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 7:03pm

I have been dating a guy for over a year and I was really happy with our relationship.  I work a lot and he works a lot, but we always managed to see each other.  I gave him a key to my place a couple of months ago, but he really hasn't used it.   At  times I would get angry because he would tell me he is coming to see me and never shows up.  It was becoming an habit and I was really getting fed up.  This past weekend, we were both off and I expected him to at least spend some time with me. We chatted all day about him being tired.  He called me later that day as he was headed home from his cousin's house.  Well he was just going home to change clothes and he was going back over to his cousin house.  I felt some type of way about that.  Mind you, I have not seen him in 3 weeks so I just told him I will talk to him later.   I sat on my sofa and just thought about how inconsiderate he was being.  I thought about all the times he told me he was coming over and he never showed up.  I thought about when he told me he was going to spend the week with me and something "suddenly" came up.  I thought about the talks we had about him being able to see me more since I live much closer to his job.  I took a deep breath and I text him that I think it was time that we go our separate ways.  It took me about 30 minutes to press the send button, but I did it.  He responded back with "ok."  I could believe the response, but I thought we were better than just "ok."  He didn't even ask why.  We dated over a year and he has met my parents.  He always stayed in contact with me through text or phone, but him not making an effort to physically be with me bothered me.  When I told him I will need my key back, he brought it to me with no delay.  I was hurt by that.  You haven't seen me in three weeks but, when it comes to giving my key back you have no problem driving to my place.  Now I am left analyzing what the hell happened.  I had to miss something.  Besides not seeing him like I wanted, we talked everyday and he never skipped telling me that he loved me each day.  He always expressed that he missed me and we talked about him moving in and how our relationship would turn into marriage.  YES! We talked about marriage and having his child next year. Usually it's the female that brings up moving in and marriage, but he was the one that brought up the topics.  It kind of put me at ease because I was thinking he is some kind of wonderful.  I was fine for the first 2 days, but today is day 3 and I am feeling horrible.  I cried and a part of me keeps wondering if I did the right thing, but a part of me knows I did.  I feel like we could have talked this through, but he didn't question the break up.    I feel like our whole relationship was a lie, just because of that one response "ok."  I haven't heard from him and I don't think I will.  I know I shouldn't expect to hear from him because I broke up with him, but if he felt any kind of love for me...I just thought he would call and want to work everything out.  What do you think?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 7:37pm

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 7:45pm

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Based on what you wrote it sounds like you put a lot more into this relationship that he did. His behavior of saying he'd come over and not show up is inexcusable. I commend you for being strong enough to break it off with him by text because he certainly did not deserve an in person conversation.

I dated a guy who replied with the 'ok' response after I talked or wrote what felt like two paragraphs. It made me livid to think that was all that he had to say. But I now take that as a sign that they are jerks and don't deserve my time. In reality, if that was a friend, they would not behave that way. It just sounds like he had no respect for you or your relationship. Who knows what he was doing… If you find out, will it make you feel better? I would think probably not.

You need to be strong and its good that you have not called him again because it seems that he was a big turd. If this is what he is showing you now, consider it a blessing to get far far away.  He is only showing you by his actions or lack there of, that he would not be a good partner if he was talking about a future.  It would only get worse.  Move on and forget him and find a better guy who treats you the way you want to be treated! You deserve so much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 9:05pm

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's been trying to get you to break up with him for a while.  He didn't want to do the breakup because it would have made him feel bad, plus you might have cried and some guys really hate when women cry not because the woman is hurting, but because it makes them feel even more bad.  And no guy wants to feel like a jerk.  So, you actually did him a favor by finally breaking up with him.

HOWEVER...you also did yourself a huge favor!  Waiting around for weeks for some guy to deign to spend some time with you?  Putting up with no-shows, not once but many times??  This was no boyfriend.  I don't care if he "said" you two would get married, his actions shows the exact opposite.  Again, he didn't want to feel like a jerk so he told you what he thought you wanted to hear.  

Consider yourself lucky you are finally free from this inconsiderate, no-showing jerk.  Now, you can get over him (in a reasonable amount of time) and find someone who won't string you along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 10:32pm

I had a BF like Stillstanding describes.  We had dated for more than a year, talked about maybe getting married "some day" although neither of us was ready since we were in our 20's and I was still in school.  So he went from seeing me every weekend to wanting to date other people to wanting to see me "once in a while."  At that point, I told him not to bother calling me (texting hadn't been invented yet). The same kind of thing--he just said ok and didn't fight it or ask me to change my mind.  So obviously if he cared a lot about you, he would want to talk to you about why you broke up and ask you to reconsider.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 11:36pm

  You became annoying.  When both people work a lot there is often s difference in how each sees and is comfortbl with a relationship that is time consuming.  mny people need different amount of time to themselves.  Some committed too soon.  When in reality the world is feast or famine.   For many work is #1.  Then finally a day off.  They are tired they want to sleep,have errands to do and the other expects them to drive over.

   It is  the way life is sometimes a matter of timing is just off.  It is not a bad thing.  He is not bad.  You are not bad.  It is the times.hourglass

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2012
Fri, 03-21-2014 - 10:47am

I think he's been seeing someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 4:28am

In reply to Xxxs: "You became annoying" WTH kind of support is that? THAT WAS VERY INSENSITIVE. Nothing she stated or expected from this relationship was unreasonable or demanding. I can only hope you posted this mistakenly due to poor translation or that it was autocorrected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 4:38am

Honey, I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with all that sd,stillstanding and musiclover said. I know it hurts right now but be so glad that you didn't put more time into this relationship or marry him. You would have been headed for much more hurt down the road with this jerk.

You sound like the kind of person who is understanding and caring and you deserve someone who will treat you the same. Try not to mourn to much over this. Look at it as you dodged a huge bullet!  This jerk being out of your life is just clearing the path for you to find the one who is truly right for you and who will love you as you should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 4:40am
Very likely and if so, good riddance to bad rubbish!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2014
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 9:49pm

I just want you all to know that I was reading everyone's supportive feedback every day since I posted my story! I just had time to respond and I wanted to say a few things and give everyone an update.  Someone said that I sound very understanding and supportive.  You are right! I am because when it comes to guys I can be very stubborn and mean spirited.  Sometimes I think I could have been a man LOL.  For the first time, I was really understanding and patient with this guy.  I knew he worked hard and I could understand him being tired and not wanting to drive (he stays about 30 minutes away) to my place.  So, I appreciated our conversations over the phone and through text because it's not like we didn't stay connected.  I guess that's why when he stood me up so many times I would be so understanding because to be honest when he did come over...he would fall right alseep!  My biggest issue with him was saying he was going to do something and not follow through.  Well.....when I woke up Friday morning and I was reading everyone's encouraging posts.  It encouraged me so much that I text him how I felt.  It wasn't one of those sappy text messages, but more a long the lines of giving him the "real."  Basically a side he hasn't seen.  He was still feeling himself a little and he came back and told me that he hopes I find someone that will make me happy.  So I said "ok."  I'm not going to lie....it did hurt my feelings and I cried like a big baby, but thats actually what made me delete over 7,000 text messages (yes we really texted a lot) that I kept because I would just continue to read them over and over again. I thought...how could this person who "loves me so much" really just hand me over to the next person, instead fixing the problem at hand?   Well today I woke up to a very apologetic text. We had a long talk....but I don't know...things have really changed now.  I'm reallly leaving my options OPEN (meaning I'm testing the waters) because people can change just like the weather and I do not want to put all my feelings back into it unless he proves he can be considerate of my feelings.  In the mean time, there are other guys that are interested sooooo....  THANKS EVERYONE!

Pages