my boyfriend wants to move

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2014
my boyfriend wants to move
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 12:03pm

i met my current boyfriend a few years ago. he wasnt in a place emotionally to start a relationship and he had a family member pass away. he moved from new york to the west coast to resolve things and clear his head. we talked the whole time and he decided 9 months ago to move back here to be with me. 

we had some fights when he got back. mostly over small things. insecurity issues that came up. ive always tried my best to be open with him and make his transition here better, knowing how hard it was for him moving futher away from his family. they live closer to california. my family has been so supportive of him and welcoming. all of my friends love him and love how happy i have been.

he has been here short of a year (9 months) and wants to move again. my situation doesnt really afford me to move with him. if he did move it would probably be to his hometown which is not a major city and doesnt offer any opportunity for me. i would be living his life if i moved with him.

i'm not sure what to do. we broke up so he could figure it all out and make a decision. we are still here in new york an i have been extremely depressed about how immobilized i am. i want him to stay. i also know i cant force an ultimatum or decision on him in a certain timeframe. i also know its only been about a month of this limbo and i am already going crazy. ive been trying my best to just be patient and focus on myself completely.

i guess i just would like some support or insight into what others would do. should i just move on knowing he probably will move? i wish i were enough to keep him here but i dont think i am. and i am having such a hard time processing that. it feels like he just moved back yesterday, and i dont know where or what city he would be happy in. i wish he would give it a full chance here.

i am heart broken :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 1:16pm

You wish you were "enough to keep him here"?  J, no one would be enough!  HE has a problem, he runs away from his problems.  Who moves across the country to "clear" their head because a family member passed away?  He has problems with insecurity?  You're turning cartwheels to make him happy, and you're just wasting your time.  He has problems that you will never solve....he needs professional counseling, and insecure people will rarely agree to get help.  "Normal" people don't have to "break up" to make decisions.......they just make them!  Maybe he "broke up" but you haven''re in limbo, limbo of your own making.  You don't know where he would be happy?  Guess what?  He won't be happy anywhere because where ever he goes, he takes his problems with him.  Even if he stays where you need to accept the fact that he has serious problems, and if you don't make the break final and complete, you will be putting up with those problems, and trying to fix him forever.  You will never be able to fix him, so right now you have to fix yourself.......meaning understand and realize that life with him would be a continual misery, and you'll wind up as messed up as he is.  Wish him well, and move on!  END IT!