My ex called today....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
My ex called today....
13
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:34am

Okay, I've been looking around this site for quite a while and I have found lots of things that have helped me thru my heartbreak. I don't want to go into the whole thing because I'm still quite emotinal but my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me and no, I didn't see it coming. I don't know when we officially broke up...I guess Nov. 13 but we've been calling each other and see each other about once a week. Okay, I will admit that I have been the one calling him. Yes, I still love him. Last week we had a long talk and I decided that I have to stop chasing him. He said it's over. So I haven't been calling him. Well, he called me today. It's been over a week since we talked or seen each other. He was all like I was just thinking about you...I haven't talked to you in forever...I just want to make sure you are okay. Then he went on to tell me about what he's been up to and everything. I didn't ask. I really didn't have anything to say to him. Then he says, "Call me sometime..." What the F? He broke up with me. I told him that's not a good idea...then he got quiet and said then I'll call you later okay...we'll talk later...that was it. Why did he call? I don't get it? We don't have sex anymore. I refuse to be his sex buddy. I don't understand any of this. I know it probably sounds like we are teenagers but we're not...I'm 28 and he's 34. I don't get him. Any thoughts about this will be greatly appreciated...hope to hear from you soon.
.........I'm really messed up over this. I am completely DEVASTED! It feels like someone has dropped kicked my heart. I have never felt like this and don't know what to do. I cry all the time. I miss him so much!

Thanks in advance for any input and advice,
Singlegal28 (I used that name because I need to get used to the idea...having trouble with that)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 6:38am
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My now ex of 6 years just broke up with me also the day after Christmas. She is now seeing some other guy already and wants us to still be friends. I have pretty much cut off communications with her and she still e-mails me. I don't get it either. I think they just want to know that we are still there in case things change in their mind and they feel like trying over again. I mean I don't know your relationship at all but with mine I realize and so does her family that she will regret it in the long run. She is just going to have to figure it out on her own. And if you do get back together do you always want to wonder if that person is still having second thoughts. It would be a hard choice to say you don't want to get back together. In the mean time, I guess you just have to stay away and hope that they miss you enough and realize that they do want to be with you. But like everyone keeps telling me, do you really want to be with someone who would put you through this. I of course say yes because I love her sooo much but when you think about it there are always people out there that will like you and love you who won't put you through this pain. It is the only consolation I have right now realizing that I will find someone else. I do feel for you though. Be strong and take care. I hope this helped.
Jim
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:00am

Although my relationship broke up after 15 months (its was a LDR) I still can understand you and the other girl who broke up after 6 years as just like you I used to love my partner very much and am really heartbroken.We broke up coz he didn't think things would have worked out if I moved in with him in France so I called the relationship off as there was no commitment from his part.

Just like you my ex wants to remain friends with me.Just last week he texted me and told me not to forget him and all the nice times we had together and that hopefully I will be able to speak to him as a friend later on during the year.

In my opinion its not wise to remain friends if you still love your ex as it would be too hard to stomach the fact that she's dating someone else or even that she's living a good life without you by her side.

If you want to get over someone NO CONTACT is the best option - but that's my opinion then.
Hope this post helps you out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:40pm
Sweetie, I know this is hard but you will get over him so much quicker if you cut all communications with him...block his number and e-mail if you have to....but as long as you are in contact with him you may always have that glimmer of hope that you'll reconcile.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 1:12pm

My EX also broke up with me out of the blue, but I soon found out it was because he was seeing someone else.

We both made attempts at the whole friends thing. I because I thought I could get my life back, by getting him back if we were friends. I now see it's a life I want no part of. With him I'm not so sure. I think when someone leaves you for another and they making contact with you, why??

a) Maybe because they may want to keep the door open incase they change their mind.

b) More likely in my situation, it's a control thing. He wants to know what’s going on in my life so he can feel like his life is so much better. I think my sadness some how stoked his ego. It made him feel good to have two women after him.

c) They know on some level they have made a mistake and being friends helps them keep part of the relationship, they don't have to own up to the mistake.

d) Nobody wants to be a bad person; if you leave and say you want to remain friend’s maybe it makes you feel better about yourself. It's basically selfish.

I think if two mature people end a relationship with respect, honesty and genuine concern for the other person that just spent so many years with. Yes you can be friends. But unfortunately from the stories on this board most relationships don't end like that.

I would not feel guilty for not wanting to be friends. Do what’s good for you, he did what he felt was good for him. Be strong, don't let him dictate how your relationship is going to be when he's already broken up with you. Don't let him make things comfortable for himself at your expense.

Good luck!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 1:14pm

I would email him and let him know that it is too difficult for you to talk to him right now so you would appreciate him not contacting you for the time being, and that you'll get in touch when you're ready. Let him know that the ONLY reason he should contact you is if he has changed his mind about your breakup and is 110% committed to working things out with you.

Then block him from calling or emailing you. If he decides that he wants to try again, he'll move mountains to get in touch with you some other way.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 8:27pm

You write: "you will get over him so much quicker if you cut all communications with him...block his number and e-mail if you have to....but as long as you are in contact with him you may always have that glimmer of hope that you'll reconcile."

This is such sage advice... so true.

When you take the steps to block his communications, it prevents your mind from going to that torturous place where you're wondering "did he email me? did he call me? when is he going to call me?" You've taken control back in your life. You've removed that from your thought processes. As time goes by, as you get used to knowing that there is no contact from him, getting over him becomes progressively easier--to the point where one day, the day will pass and you will realize that you didn't think about him at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 2:43pm

I am fortunate enough to have an ex-boyfriend of two years who I now consider my best friend. Seriously, and we didn't have any 'sex with an ex' or anything like that. After an initial 5 month healing period, we started talking again and it's really one of the best friendships I've ever had.

Anyway, I get a lot of insight because of how casually we can talk to each other...and one thing we've joked about as he has gone through a relationship and another break-up is that when a man breaks it off with a woman she's suddenly not the woman he was dating. It's true. Now she's a single, available women who can be with any man she wants, and for some reason, a lot of men find that irresistable. I guess that's why they say break-up sex (even if it doesn't always end in a break-up) is so good. To a man, it's almost like having sex with an entirely different woman.

His concern may very well just be that--but it may also be just some weird male thing that goes nowhere. I don't know how many times I've heard (and done it myself) about break-ups taking a good year or more simply because couples get together again under the kind of circumstances you are talking about, but it takes less than a week afterwards to fall into the same routine again.

I think you are right to keep your distance. My suggestion is to avoid calling him until you are a bit more healed and not so vulnerable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 5:18pm
I so agree with you, with the no contact, and the torture you put yourself thru. It was so hard for me, but I had to change my number, and I had that number for 9 years. It was the hardest decision I had to make, because I felt he still had power over, and I needed to untighten his grip on me. So when I changed my number, it was an instant feeling of inner peace, something I haven't felt in a long time. I no longer had to wonder if he was going to call me, because he didn't have my new number. I actually no longer run to the phone and and look at my caller id, and see if it was "him". The peace I have feels so good, that I can actually go home now, and not worry or wonder if he called me. It was a drastic move, but my insanity and getting my life back, was more important to me, than waiting and wondering, if he would call me. So now, I'm very hesitant and leary, who I give my number too. So when the phone rings, I know it's people I like and love, and the ones, who I want to contact me. It is so important to do whatever you need to do, to move on, and if that means changing your number, than you do it! Do what's best for you, and only you, because you have to live with the emotional rollercoaster. We are only here to support and help you thru this ordeal. Let me tell you, I broke the No Contact rule, several times, and all it did was set me back, and keep me in the rut I was in. It was horrible, but I knew I needed to do something, to get my life back. It was so important for me to do that. The contact, only keeps you hoping, like the others have said, so if you really want to move on, you have to let it go, and do not call him, or stop him from calling you. It's the only thing that works. Like "Quenek", said once you begin the process of No Contact, every day gets better. I let 2 1/2 mos of No Contact go wasted, when I decided to call him around the holidays, it literally put me back where I originally started, and I wish I didn't call, but I did, and I learned from it. So remember also, all the heartache and crying, you are going thru, are valuable lessons. You may not see it right now, but at the end of it all, you will. I learned so much about my ordeal, that's its so scary to me, to see the type of woman I am today. I thank my "friend", because he has made me into a woman, I thought I could ever be. Stay strong, and you need to tell you 'ex" that at this time, you need him to respect your wishes, and leave you alone. You can one day be friends with him, but when you still have lingering feelings, you can't be friends. Trust me, I have been thru it, and I know. You need time to heal, and that requires, peace of mind, and him not calling you. Keep us posted, and stay strong. It will get better, trust me, because I believe it will for me as well. Take care
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 6:28pm

Isn't it a great feeling??? I didn't change my number, but I ordered call rejection and blocked my ex from calling me. Oh, the relief. It was palpable.

I'm sorry you had a setback around the holidays, but hopefully you're making progress again. I hope you didn't give him your new number though!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 7:12pm
The site www.breakupsurvivor.com really helped me out when i was going through a break up. It's not as depressing as the other ones out there and they have some unique advice according to how you're feeling at the time. Hope it helps.

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