My Ex lives right above me...Bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
My Ex lives right above me...Bad
9
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:20pm

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to post once more about my most serious topic and that's "That my ex gf lives right above me" and it's been very difficult to live. We broke up two weeks ago and moving may not be a possiblity. Also, it seems she has some sort of boyfriend and this makes things more stressful. My imagination plays tricks on me it's not good. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:21pm

Welcome back cfrenzy,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:33pm
As i said my imagination runs wild....but before getting to that issue I have to say that I do fear my recovery might take longer because of this delemma....Ok I imagine she's having sex, which is none of my business yet I think about it and it bothers me...I started using the "stop" method and I have decided not to speak to her (4 days now, in order to get over her...I believe she thinks I'm a nut for not talking to her) I am the one in pain and she seems to have completely recovered and is partying with her new men. I don't think she really cares about what happened...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:50pm
You're not going to be able to keep yourself from having these bad thoughts since you live in the same building. I know, I did the same thing to myself when I lived two floors below my ex. It was AWFUL, I just kept torturing myself over and over again. You say you think she doesn't care about the breakup. But you broke up with her, right? Did she seem upset when it happened? I can almost guarantee you she is probably hanging out with other guy(s) just to try and parade it in front of you to make you jealous. She probably is hurting over this breakup and is now trying to do something to hurt you back. It's a very painful situation, I know. So, no possibility of being able to move out and get another apartment?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:51pm
Hi - Ok, bluntly - who cares what she thinks?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:07pm

Hi,

She broke up with me...and I had to become a detective to figure out what was happening...I didn't know she was breaking up with me at all..in fact she continued to say "I love you" and call me "Babe" Her not sitting me down to talk and explain made it a lot worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:49pm
Ohhhh, okay, I thought you broke up with HER. Yeah it's the worst when you don't see it coming, and the other person makes the decision without even bothering to really explain it to you. That just happened to me with my ex bf too, so just know you're not alone. It seems to be a common theme around here. So, now, tell me, what's the deal on moving out or not moving out? Maybe you could sub-let your apartment? Are you tied into a yearly lease or are you month to month?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:00pm
I actually have a roomate and pay monthly...I'm not sure it's possible to move...but aside from that issue, it's tough to see my ex just move on as if the end of relationship didn't happen...I feel like a kid since I feel so beat up. She seems to be making plans already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 8:03pm

Hi,

I'm having trouble with using my imagination to figure out what my ex is doing, I need to stop this....Can anyone comment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:47pm

Here's two things:


Thought Stopping Technique:


Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:


1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.


2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.


3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person... pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.


AND/OR


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22342.3


The above link is to 'Thought Replacement'