my fiance's cons, u be the judge!
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| Sat, 01-29-2005 - 9:34pm |
Ok...I broke off my engagement 3 weeks ago because of various doubts I was having. I became afraid of losing my dream of being married, got scared of getting back out there, so we "worked things out" and I put the ring back on. Well, our first week back together was great, then my uncle died (my fiance showed a great lack of support) and now I'm back to square 1, all my doubts back again. Here is the list:
1. Family Values- He doesn't want to genuinely be a part of my family. I come from a close-knit family, and so having my husband and children around them is HUGE! Keep in mind, my family has always been very welcoming and loving towards him. He likes the idea of having a close family- just him, me, and our future children.
2. Religion- I was brought up Catholic and while I don't regularly attend church, it is something I want to do when I have a family. He was brought up non-denominational, and while he has no problem with me bringing up the kids Catholic, he would not attend church more than twice a year. So how could I ever have that complete Catholic family I dreamed of?
3. Addiction- He was (and could still very well be) addicted to percosets. He gives many excuses for taking them, need I list them? The most recent date he took them was 10 days ago (that I'm aware of).
4. Temper- He has a very short fuse. Road rage, drunken aggressive behavior, etc...
So you ask what are the pros?
1. Devoted/loyal...no question about that!
2. Will be a good father.
3. Makes a very good living and can support me comfortably.
4. Good sense of humor...we laugh and joke a lot.
5. When it's just him and I, things are good. But in reality, thats not how things will be. Life is constantly throwing us curve balls and it's how we handle them that's key. It's easy to be happy if you live in a bubble.
6. Willing to live in the area I grew up so I can be close to my family.
7. Very generous.
8. Likes kids.
9. Puts me above and beyond anything or anyone.
*There are probably more pros to add, and even though there are many more pros, don't the cons weigh more heavily? Ur thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

hmmm...I would weigh them. For me, the cons would outweigh the pros. for me it might go something like this:
1. Family Values Very important
2. Religion somewhat important
3. Addiction really, more like a total deal breaker, for me we wouldn't need to go any further
4. Temper another deal breaker, I wouldn't need this list at all!
1. Devoted/loyal (I'll add faithful) Very important
2. good father - I'm rate this somewhat low because I don't necessarily agree due to temper and family values. Might be a "good" father, but not what I'd be looking for as a father to my children
3. Makes a good living, can support me comfortable - a nice bonus, but not something I'm personally looking for
4. sense of humor - if you can't laugh with him, it's not worth it, so I'd rate this a fairly high plus
5. when it's just him and I... - I don't like that it's JUST "him and I" for the same reasons you sited....
i'll stop here...
anyway....long story short...he might have 100 more pros, but those 2 'cons' above would break the whole thing for me. If he were addicted to percoset and getting help because he really sees that this is a problem and is changing, then I'd reconsider. But still taking them? no. The temper thing though I just can't tolerate at all. I find it immature and damaging. I don't want my kid(s) exposed to that kind of thing. To me, that completely negates the ability to be a 'good father'.
So my advice to you is to fiture out what you can and can't live with. Draw some lines in the sand for yourself and see if/where he crosses them. If you decide that you absolutly will not give up the dream of having a family go to church together (family that prays together, stays together!), or if you decide that you can't live with an "outsider" in your close-knit extended family, you may want to consider moving on. Is his temper ever directed to you? Has he ever put you down, called you a name, even if you think you may have "provoked" him? THAT should be an absolute deal breaker - I don't care if he finds the cure for cancer and gives out the remedy for free, any form of abuse should NOT be tolerated. period.
Best of luck to you. I know this isn't an easy decision, having taken 6 months to make the decision myself! I do wish you the best.
First things first. A Pro's and Cons's list is all well and good, but to answer your question, yes, con's weigh more heavily. Along with that, not all Con's are created equally, and shouldn't be given the same weight in deciding. For example two cons could be 1) bad table manners, and 2)"Temper- He has a very short fuse. Road rage, drunken aggressive behavior, etc...". The second one is far worse a con than the first, and so they don't each equal one point for the con side.
I'll start with your pro's list, and when I'm finished with my brutally honest assessment of what details you've given, YOU be the judge, as it's YOUR future.
"1. Devoted/loyal...no question about that!"
Could it be traded with Needy/Controling of you? Does he like for you to be giving attention to other people besides him when in a large group of people? Does he get upset when you hang out too much with your family? You say he was a lack of support when your uncle died. Where's the loyal devotion there in your time of grief?
"2. Will be a good father."
On what basis? A drug addict isn't a good father. He won't back up the values and morals you want to instill in your children (the family and religion), and he has a short fuse. "Drunken aggressive behavior" isn't a good father.
"5. When it's just him and I, things are good. But in reality, thats not how things will be."
This starts as a Pro, and then changes to a Con with "But". But what? How is the reality of things when it's NOT just you and him?
"9. Puts me above and beyond anything or anyone"
Excluding the Percosets of course. Oh, and his ambivolence about your religious faith asperations or compromising. And his unwillingness to be part of your family.
Your four Cons are BIG Cons. They are deal breaker Con's for most people. They are not trivial or petty, they are major character flaws and life lasting issues between the two of you that will only get more complicated and ugly if children are thrown into the mix.
thank you for your replies...my decision became crystal clear (after much praying for a sign one way or the other) yesterday. my ex-fiance and i were having a calm discussion about our "issues" and i expressed how i didnt think we spent enuf time with my family. i mean, if i can count on two hands the amount of times, something is wrong.
he then proceeded to insult my mother (who has been nothing but warm, friendly, and accepting of him) and even worse, insulted my mentally ill brother and asked why i would want him to be around someone "sick"...needless to say, that was worse than anything he has ever done to me, including pushing me on new years eve and cursing at me for no reason. i am so glad he revealed himself. he showed me his true colors and now i can finally move on without ever doubting myself.
i know i will have moments of lonliness, but no way will i ever miss him. how cold and insensitive can you be to insult a mentally ill person who is my BROTHER??? so cruel...i don't know how i even got this far with him, which is exactly what i said to him...i thank god for giving me the sign i needed. it pretty much had to hit me in the face, thank god this happened before the wedding...WHEW!
Go with your gut!!! and good luck