My First Break Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
My First Break Up
3
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:39pm
I've been dating this guy for a year now. Long Distance the entire time. A few months ago, we decided that our relationship wasn't going to go anywhere if something wasn't changed. I decided that I wanted to move where he was. He just started the second year of his three year surgical residency, so going anywhere was not really an option for him. The hard part of my decision was that I had just gotten accepted into some MBA schools where I curently live, but I decided that the opportunity of life with him was more important. I could always just go to school where he was. So I started looking for jobs, apartment, and applied to school there. I went to visit this weekend and I kinda knew that things weren't going to go so great. We both realized that over the past few weeks, it had gotten weird between the two of us and when i asked him two weeks ago if he still wanted me up there, he said he didn't know. After being there for a couple days, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him what the deal was with us. Basically, he was apprehensive about me moving up to be with him. He wouldn't have alot of time to spend with me; not the time I needed or deserved and he would be devestated if I moved and things didn't end up working out between us. The other problem is that he has so much on his mind with work that he is stressed out. (This, i can completely understand, his job is hard, time consuming and he makes such little money its ridiculous) I think that adding our realtionship on top of all that was too much. So we ended it.
This is my first relationship. I'm 26, which yes, makes me a bit of a loser. But, I am so picky about who I give my time and attention to. The thing is, he is such a great guy. We have similar backgrounds and goals. He is dedicated (maybe too much) to his career. He's honest and the one thing that makes it even harder is that he respects me and my decisions. For example, I decided that I did not want to have sex with him and wait. He has been completely fine with that and even refuses to give in when I want to. It's hard for me because I'm the type of person that will keep going until I know that it's a completely hopeless cause. To me, it feels like he just gave up and subsequently I feel like i just wasn't worth it to him. Thats what hurts the most. And now this thing that I had is gone and this life I was planning has vanished. And i'm empty. Part of me hates him so much and the other part cares so much and those are two things that I cannot put together. how can someone change their mind like that? So now i've started to over think it (like i do with everything) and wonder what happened. Is there someone else? Did he ever really care about me? Did we make a mistake?
I don't know what to do with myself. I need some advice. Right now its hard for me to swallow the fact that we will not be together again. And I'm scared that there isn't anyone out there that is better than he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
In reply to: mlb0827
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:56pm
Hey there. I am actually in a similar situation. My boyfriend didn't move away or anything, but I am also 26 and have been with my bf for a year, he's my first real love too. I've had other guys I've gone out with, but nothing really serious. I used to feel the same way - ashamed that I hadn't been in a serious relationship up until this point. But theres nothing wrong with being picky, and I spent a lot of my time on school and career and didn't leave myself time for love. In my situation, my bf ended up cheating on me...not sex but a kiss. It hurts a lot and i'm having trouble figuring out what to do. I feel like u do sometimes, I'll never meet anybody else, and then i think maybe it was a one time thing and i should stick with him. Sorry I can't offer u too much advice, I just wanted to let u know not to feel like a loser and that it will get better. There are so many great guys out there and though this breakup is hard, it's probably moreso because of your lack of relationships. Losing your first love is hard. Good luck with everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: mlb0827
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 11:13pm

There will be, don't worry. Heck there are 3 new cardiac surgery residents in my hospital every year. That's a lot of surgery students.

Anyways, on a more serious note, I hope you at least see that giving up your dreams for someone isn't the best course of action. Ultimately it' puts a lot of pressure on that person to stay together and if you break up, you end up with resentment and regrets.

In any case, I didn't really date til way past all of my friends. I don't really regret it. It meant I had the benefit of their dating experience when I finally started. I just ended my first serious long term relationship a couple of months ago. First Love always cuts the deepest.

Anyhow, a lot of people are like you in the sense that they like to work on things until they hit a solution. Especially the type A personalities. Hardest thing one has to learn is that this solution is the absolute worst thing you can do. And a lot of what you're feeling is normal - the emptiness, the wondering about what he's doing, thinking, etc. Don't focus on that too much.

Feel better!!

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
In reply to: mlb0827
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 6:38pm
I appreciate your thoughts. This all just really sucks. The hard part right now, I'm realizing is that he was the one I told everything to. I was the most honest with him and he was the one I would talk to every night. I don't have that anymore. On the one hand its easier b/c we spent most of our time apart. I always physically missed him being there, so this is nothing new. I really just miss him now as my friend. The one I would share things with (the good and the bad) and take my problems to. Now I have this big problem and I can't take it to him. I have read everywhere that you should drop all communication for 1 to 2 months. I have talked to him everyday since. I didn't call him last night and I was proud of myself for that... but I was miserable today. He emails everyday just to give me a random anecdote from his day... and see how I'm doing. Its like he cares, but obviously not enought since he screwed up my life for the time being. I guess he thought it would be screwed up more if I moved. Ugh. I really hate this.