My first breakup - am I dying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
My first breakup - am I dying?
12
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:49am

Hi.

So here is my story and sorry for the rambling - but pls. help! My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago. I thought he was just angry and was breaking up temporarily as we have done in the past during our arguments. But this time, he really meant it. We have had our problems but I always felt like we can work through our differences because we love each other so much. I still feel that way but he has decided that although he loves me a lot, he does not see us working out our issues.

All through the last 2 years, we have had fights and made up, but it seems that I never listened to how he really felt. He was hurt by how I treated him and the things that I said to him. So he says now that he can't put with that anymore. I have apologized and I even begged him to give us another chance but it looks like his mind is made up. I was very upset at his reason for breaking up. I don't understand how someone who says he loves you can just up and walk away.

Anyways, he has walked and I am left feeling so very guilty for destroying what was otherwise a beautiful relationship. I am sure that if I had tried to be a nicer person to him, we would still be together.

Now my problem is letting go of him. This is my first hard break-up of my first long-term relationship. I am pretty sure I am doing all the wrong things. I tried calling him a few times but after reading some of your posts, I stopped calling since Saturday (3 days ago). My mom packed away all my memories of him at my request as i couldn't look at those reminders of absolutely wonderful times together. He was really good to me...

I have also not taken a look at all the digital pics I have of us on my computer - I don't have the courage to put them on a CD yet (he wants a copy - I wonder why?). But, I did send him an email again apologizing for my mistakes yesterday and he checked it right away (I can see it in the history) but he never replied. He is also online but he doesn't respond to my hellos.

I am guessing from your posts that he is doing the right thing but I am not. I just can't seem to help myself though and hence this post. I feel like I am dying or something - it physically hurts and I think of him constantly. In fact, I am at work right now! I can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking...

Why am I still carrying hope that maybe in a couple of weeks, he will change his mind? I keep playing these scenes of him coming back, or me apologizing again, or us seeing each other and regretting the breakup, or, or...

How long will this last? How do I move on?

Movingon2006?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:14pm

Of course you're not dying! But you're in a lot of pain and your mind is making you believe you will never survive this. Maybe reading about the experiences of women on this board--how they're surviving breakups and doing better--will help. Keep reading and posting.

The impulse to hold on and to want to see him again is normal. I do think women develop stronger attachments and have a harder time moving on, in large part because we think so much and analyze situations from different angles. So we see the possibilities for change and reconciliation that often never occur to the men. This makes it harder to move on. But ultimately, the pain and torment we experience after a relationship ends can be turned into insight and wisdom that will serve us in future relationships. Men often repeat the same mistakes because they don't analyze their behavior as much.

So I think there is a healthy and necessary side to grieving, getting sad, mad, remorseful and all those yucky emotions. This is also an opportunity to take back some power. If he has made it clear he doesn't want you, then can you accept it and move on with your life? Will you allow yourself to be subject to his whims and changing emotions, or will you chart your own path and continue on it? You might not be ready to make these bold, declarative statements if your current state is fragile. You'll feel weak some days, get sick of moping around others, go out and have fun, and then the cycle might start all over again. As long as you realize this is part of the recovery process, you'll get through it.

As for the issue of letting go, it's hard even after reading all the posts. Sometimes you have to give in to the impulse to see or talk to him because it's so strong. I'm pretty sure that no interaction will restore you to where you want to be, and the likelihood is that you will walk away feeling more confused and hurt. But I understand the feeling of wanting to see an ex--you almost feel like you can't function unless you hear his voice or see his face. But if the encounter is not what you want it to be, you'll walk away disappointed. But you know what else? You'll realize that not having him WON'T kill you. So accept that you can turn yourself into a stronger person because of this and whenever you're ready, get on the road to recovery.

GOod luck.

SBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:39pm

You have done a few things right...having Mom pack the things and coming here. Of course you are in pain. This is a hard time so here are my tips to get thru the breakup having gone thru a fair amount myself:

1. No contact - do not call, text or IM. Tell him on email or on the phone you need time to heal and will not be in touch for a long time. Block his calls and or email.

2. Come here often - read and post..there is much support here

3. Get a new hairstyle or have a day of beauty. Pamper you.

4. Understand the range of emotions you will feel: Anger, Grief, Sadness

5. Culivate and spend more time with female friends

6. Do not date for at least 2-4 months..rebounding is bad

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 3:17pm

No contact would be a good thing for you right now.

If you know what the issues were in the relationship, you can go to counseling on your own and figure yourself out so you won't repeat the same mistakes.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:07pm

I don't have much to add really ... the previous posters gave you excellent advice. As hard as it is right now and it seems like you won't make it, you will - I promise!


-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:12am
I know that it feels like you are dying and that is perfectly normal. Don't feel guilty about your feelings it is perfectly normal. I am going through a breakup and i am typing and crying at the same time. It just feels good to know there is someone to chat to other than him. I know it is hard but try your hardest not to call him. I have removed his number from my phone, still having him on speed dial just makes me too weak. I know you know the # by heart but if you have to dial it, it will give you the chance to stop yourself before you do. Distract yourself friends, family, reading, exercise, work, a good breakup movie , breakup music. Get it all out and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:19am

Thank you all.

I kind of fell on this forum by mistake and it really does help to read all your posts. I am finally able to type without crying today and even wore something nice to work. I still love him dearly but am starting to see that maybe it wasn't meant to be (well in some rational moments anyways).

I did erase his phone no. but we have so many friends in common that I know he has been talking to - so I feel like talking about him constantly. When I read, all situations seem to remind me of him, and same with movies. Jeez - do we get obsessed or what?! It seems that if I am awake for 16 hours a day, I am thinking of him for at least 15. I wake up in the middle of the night and think and think...

The other problem is that while we were together, we were each others world. There was no life really beyond us - I lost touch with some people, all movies, parties, gym, etc. included him. So now all of that seems broken too.

I really wish I could start remembering the doubts that I had about him or the bad times we had too.

Movingon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:30am
I too stumbled onto this forum by mistake and read some articles and comments made by the previous posters. I too am just trying to get over my first breakup. I feel like I have "experience" though, since we've broken up every other week or so after our 6 months (we've been together on and off for a total of 2 years 8 mos now). I hate crying or feeling anything towards my ex because whenever I do I feel like I have just fallen 10 steps backwards and will never be able to fully get over him. He tells me he still loves me, and I guess that gives me hope. I regret talking to him, and I called him today long distance to discuss things, with no success, since apparently he had "nothing to say" but "wasn't mad". So I ended up being the one who did most of the talking, actually, yelling cus I was angry that I was possibly spending $5 /minute on this stupid call that wasnt' going anywhere, especially since he said I was wasting HIS minutes (he's not paying long distance- I called him!) Then I started crying and yelling and got hung up on. Oh dear. I wish I was classy, not crazy. I have definitely fallen 20 steps back and looked as desperate as ever today. PS. I'm visiting family on the other side of the world while he's back home. I am not even excited for Christmas anymore. Not even thinking about it. My family and I are even going away together, so it'll be a getaway on a getaway for me. Except I feel nothing. Nothing but the break up and how bad I made myself look today. And how to fix it. And then finally, fantasizing about the day he'll come crawling back, and what I'd say or do to make him suffer. I want to cry...I am wasting my family's time and probably disappointing them by being so occupied with my own crap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:10am

O my goodness, it's like you are typing for me and talking about my feelings. I too called him more than once after we broke up and he says the same - "I love you babe with all my heart, but..." I get angry then...why don't you love me enough? why don't you listen to me better and and try to understand my perspective? why exactly are we breaking up? ..etc.

My last conversation with him was on saturday and I find that I lost a lot of my self-respect during that call (long distance too by the way). I am now actually afraid that I got so hurt that he is probably even more convinced that we wouldn't work, when all I wanted was to hear some regret and pain in his voice too. But losing this dignity is not worth it. When we do end up moving on (and I am still hoping that day will come soon), we will look back at such calls as a mistake even though right now we can't seem to help ourselves.

As for my family and the holidays, I have been a downer on them all I am sure. But they are supportive - they force me to talk about anything else under the sun except for him. I am trying to now only discuss him with you guys here and with some of my friends. By talking about other things even for a few minutes, it keeps me from sinking into a depression. I too don't care about the holidays - but I am still trying to find people that didn't know him at all and to spend my NYE partying with them and "pretending" to be happy. Maybe pretending will become natural someday.

Hugs and kisses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:28am

It won't be that bad soon. Soon, we will both be able to look at our exes as exes, and be like everyone else. Yup, everyone (well ALMOST everyone) have gotten over their first love. The rest...well, are married to them. If the whole world's done it, we can too. I'm sure of it. Think about it this way. I'm sure at one point when we were little kids we thought we'd never be able to do something...let's say..read an entire book from cover to cover. And now?

I guess we just have to get used to the fact that we will soon be just like everyone else, who have had loved ones disappear on them, break their hearts, etc etc. I know it feels great to be "innocent" and be with our first loves forever, but really...I guess we aren't the lucky 0.5% of the population who never had to get over anybody. But whatever. It's part of life. We will be stronger people. I know it's cliche sounding, but we would be the stronger ones. I've thought about it so much that I've reached this conclusion: Those "lucky" people will one day be so hurt when their first love dies. We, on the other hand, have dealt with loss already, so we'd be stronger. Loss is inevitable...so does it really matter if we lose them now..or later? Oh dear I am thinking too much. Now I'm just starting to sound like I'm about to slit my wrists..."Everyone's going to die anyways...so why bother with love?"

No I am not trying to say that, but I guess I am a very unhappy person lately and it's hard to hide it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:36am

Joanna,

I too have been an unhappy person too that is thinking constantly and I hate all this analysis! It's tiring and is getting me so depressed. I know that we will be fine someday - I "know" - but I don't "feel" it right now.

My friends also talk about their first loves and the loss of it - well,while I believe them when they say that the pain will go away with time, I also don't see how I could ever forget or let go completely. He will always have a part of me and years from now I will still look back with sadness. Maybe someday soon we will both "feel" happy again.

Hugs,
Ash

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