My first breakup - am I dying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
My first breakup - am I dying?
12
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:49am

Hi.

So here is my story and sorry for the rambling - but pls. help! My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago. I thought he was just angry and was breaking up temporarily as we have done in the past during our arguments. But this time, he really meant it. We have had our problems but I always felt like we can work through our differences because we love each other so much. I still feel that way but he has decided that although he loves me a lot, he does not see us working out our issues.

All through the last 2 years, we have had fights and made up, but it seems that I never listened to how he really felt. He was hurt by how I treated him and the things that I said to him. So he says now that he can't put with that anymore. I have apologized and I even begged him to give us another chance but it looks like his mind is made up. I was very upset at his reason for breaking up. I don't understand how someone who says he loves you can just up and walk away.

Anyways, he has walked and I am left feeling so very guilty for destroying what was otherwise a beautiful relationship. I am sure that if I had tried to be a nicer person to him, we would still be together.

Now my problem is letting go of him. This is my first hard break-up of my first long-term relationship. I am pretty sure I am doing all the wrong things. I tried calling him a few times but after reading some of your posts, I stopped calling since Saturday (3 days ago). My mom packed away all my memories of him at my request as i couldn't look at those reminders of absolutely wonderful times together. He was really good to me...

I have also not taken a look at all the digital pics I have of us on my computer - I don't have the courage to put them on a CD yet (he wants a copy - I wonder why?). But, I did send him an email again apologizing for my mistakes yesterday and he checked it right away (I can see it in the history) but he never replied. He is also online but he doesn't respond to my hellos.

I am guessing from your posts that he is doing the right thing but I am not. I just can't seem to help myself though and hence this post. I feel like I am dying or something - it physically hurts and I think of him constantly. In fact, I am at work right now! I can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking...

Why am I still carrying hope that maybe in a couple of weeks, he will change his mind? I keep playing these scenes of him coming back, or me apologizing again, or us seeing each other and regretting the breakup, or, or...

How long will this last? How do I move on?

Movingon2006?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 2:46pm

I am fragile again. I was just told that he is online and has blocked me. I have not tried to initiate any contact at all. I didn't email or try to chat with him or anything. He still blocked me and I am somehow really hurt by it. I thought I was doing better, I didn;t cry for 3 days and thought - yay me! But this is a setback. Why is this hurting me when I know NC is a good choice on his and my behalf? Being cut off still hurts like hell though.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 7:27am
I think it's for the better. He is sparing you the pain. My ex on the other hand, has not blocked me. (I blocked him). However his screen name changes every 2 seconds, each time reflecting something new and exciting and happy. He wants me to know how great he is doing, and how fabolous things happen to him as soon as I am not there. Well, to me, I'd rather not know. Because no matter how great I thought I was doing before, I now think he is doing much better than I am. His profile picture is also a generic one, which means he is at someone's house using their computer. And it is 4 am. That means he is staying over. Ok, I am over analyzing but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I heard he was drinking. I don't know what to think. I just should try to not think about it, but obviously it's too late. Sorry Ash this has turned into a rant. But you should bite the bullet and keep moving forward. Your emotions can't be controlled but keep your act together. Don't let a silly moment of sadness weaken you and don't you dare pick up that phone. You will regret it right after and lose all dignity that you have gained in the past 3 days. Don't cry either. I haven't for 3 days as well, and I'm feeling good. You might not feel super, I mean, that would be asking too much. We have just lost someone we love(d), afterall. But you'd feel even worst after calling. Then you'd have to start from square 1 to regain your dignity. Sorry if I'm sounding like a drill seargent/preacher by the moment. This is kinda like pep talk for me, so I'm trying to convince myself as well.

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