My first post
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-09-2006 - 3:34pm |
Hi everyone,
This is my first post...and I want to share 1) my recent experience and 2) some insight that I received from a good guy friend.
My boyfriend just broke up with me, 7 days ago. The reason he first told me was that he didn't love me, and felt guilty for wasting my time, since he is really trying to focus on work and getting his finances in order. A couple of days later, I got the phone call that said that he was really sorry for being so harsh about it, he said he wasn't prepared for that conversation. He took back the part about not loving me, and just simply said he isn't ready for a LTR because he needs to get his finances/work in order (guy stuff). Both phone calls, I asked him what the next step was - do we not talk, do I pick up my stuff from his house, what did he want exactly? Neither time could he answer me, he said he would call me when he is in a better place...It has been very very hard, but just now starting to get better. Unfortunately, I think, the second phone call - it was a good phone call, it made me feel better, but what it also did was give me a sense of false hope. He made it sound as if he just needed some space, so I got caught up in the hoping and waiting for him to call, change his mind, you know, how it is in the movies...tell me he was a fool for leaving, etc. No phone call. I know a million of you have this exact same story.
What I have been doing these past days is analyzing and learning from what happened...and the struggle has been about this one though - if I know I am great, even if I didn't fit in his timeline, how could he walk away? You know, not value me as much as he should. How many of you have thought that very thing?
Well, this is the insight that I got last night that actually helped me see it differently. I have a good guy friend who gives it to me straight. First, the idea of this is important to have in your head first - it is human nature for everyone to want to be liked. Everyone wants people to like them, including men. My question for my friend was, why do guys start dating women if they know they aren't ready for a LTR? What is the point - if after 6 months, they suddenly decide that you're really great, but I want to focus on work. My friend told me that 1) the guy wants you to like him. When we meet a guy, they are picking up on our blue print...we give signals and signs of what we want, what we are missing, our weaknesses, and some guys, because they want to win you over, will do/say/be what he thinks you want/need. It's not that he is playing a game, or trying to trick us, it's just - they want us to like them (some would call this the hunt, the chase, playing hard to get, etc...all falls under the same category). It's like, trying us on for a trial period...so what helped me is maybe changing they way I look at dating - instead of thinking, wow, this guy has all the great qualities I want in a man - I should maybe think instead...well, he seems like he has all these great qualities, but what's more important, is consistancy - is he going to be this great guy in a year, 2 years...that's what counts more - not whether he can act like the man he thinks I have always wanted, but really be him.
I am still waiting for him to call - I am still holding on to a little bit of hope...but I am also starting to move into the angry phase - I flip flop back and forth from being hurt, missing him, to being angry. Feeling the anger scares me though, in a way I know it means that I am moving on, and I don't know that I am totally convinced I want to move on yet. The mourning period is still going strong, each day feels a little different. I still have the thoughts about - did he just play me? Did he really care? It seemed like it, but now I am not sure. How could he walk away like that? We were best friends too, a friend is a friend, and so how could he just not want to speak to me at all? Check on me, etc. We all have these questions, right?

RIGHT NOW GIVE HIM SPACE LET HIS THINK....AND THE ONLY PERSON COULD TELL IF THE MAN LOVES YOU IS "YOURSELF" (YOU WILL FEEL THAT NOBODY ELSE) SO DONT CONFUSED YOUR SELF..HAVE TRUST...GOD BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK
hey there,
I know what you are going thru right now... I might not have the exact same situation, but I know the rollercoaster of emotions you're experiencing... (unfortunately, I'm fresh in the bawling my eyes out stage!) I do have flashes of anger though.
When you asked why does a guy even get in a relationship if he doesn't want anything down the road... I asked my ex that when we broke up. He was SUCH a commitmentphobe- the ultimate (and still is). Anyway, I asked him why he even pursued me (it was a long distance thing) if he knew he didn't want anything serious and his answer was "it's kinda hard not to." Great. Awesome. Thanks.
And I told someone else this, I think the reasons guys just walk away (and you know they *have* to care... even if they seem like jerks for doing it), I think that's their easiest escape. I know how you feel about how can he just not call/check on me/etc. I think that's the hardest part. But like I said, I think it's how they deal with things- not a very "manly" way.
hang in there....