My First Step
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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 1:59pm |
Reading these posts has really helped me. I can choose to focus on how painful this is, which is really easy to do, or I can choose to change my attitude about it. I'm only going to heal as fast as I let myself. Why should I feel sorry for myself? Why should I let him dictate my happiness? I will always look back fondly on this relationship and will always think he's a wonderful man, but so what? I think that I've been a perfectly wonderful girlfriend and I'm proud of that. Is it going to take several months for me to feel good again? Probably, but at least I'll be healing instead of fooling myself into thinking he can give me what I want.
I just got back from the salon. I have been growing out my hair for about a year now, but never told anybody why. I was secretly doing it because I wanted to have really fabulous hair for my wedding. Haha, I feel silly even typing that, but it was true. So I cut it all off. My hairstylist couldn't believe I wanted to do that, but when I told him why I was growing out my hair and why I wanted it cut, he was more than happy to help me decide what to do. So now it's short and I really love it. He asked me how I felt looking at all my hair on the floor and I said I was a little sad because as sappy as it sounds it seemed like that dead protein was a symbol of what I really wanted. But it's gone and I'm happy and I'm not looking back.
My boyfriend (I guess he's my ex-boyfriend now, but that sounds so weird it's actually hard to type) called me and asked if he coud take me out tonight so we could talk a little more, but I told him this might be a good night to go out with his friends. I don't really want to talk tonight. I don't want to pack or look at apartments, either. I just want to rent some movies and spend the night alone on the couch with our wonderful dog. I'm not really to the point where I want to do much, though I know the best way to keep my mind off of him is to stay busy. For now I think I just need some alone time to sort through my thoughts and maybe come up with a plan.
I'm sure I'll have some setbacks, but I'm really going to try to focus on what will keep me happy in the upcoming weeks and months. This whole process of moving out is going to be really painful, but I know I can do it. And with the support I'm getting from all of you, I know I'm not alone.
| Sat, 03-26-2005 - 12:05am |
