My friend....and boyfriend...need advice
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 7:58pm |
Hi Everyone,
This is my first post here.
I need help...any feedback is appreciated.
I am a 50 year old woman; divorced for 6 years. I met a man (now 59 years old) shortly after my divorce. We ended up breaking up after once year; I was not ready for a relationship so soon.
We have stayed friends since that time. We were best friends; talking at least twice a day via phone and email but seeing each other only occasionally. He has had many romantic relationships since that time. I’ve only dated one other man for a few months. My priorities were my children; my children are now 19 years and 15 years. My youngest is a special needs teenager with severe ADD. Until recently, I also took care of my elderly mother; but she recently went into a convalescent home. I am a professional sales executive with a good job and good salary.
This man got back together romantically about 18 months ago. We have been friends, lovers, and care deeply for each other. He is a good man; good morals, responsible, supportive, and has raised 3 well adjusted successful children.
He has been very honest in the last few months; he does not love me. He loves me like a friend and a lover. He has only loved twice, his ex-wife and a relationship with another woman that lasted 11 years. He had cheated on his wife and left her for this other woman. After 11 years she broke it off with him. Of course, I only know his side of that story.
I broke up with him last Thursday. It was not a planned breakup; I was upset and confronted him on the fact he does not love me and that I wanted more. I miss him terribly. I have had no contact with him since last Saturday and am trying to maintain the “no contact” rule. I called him Saturday to try to get back together. I ended up hanging up more hurt than I was before.
The reasons I ended our relationship are as follows:
1. He does not love me – thinks of me as friend and lover and does not know if that will change.
2. He has chosen not to invite me to any of his family gatherings because he does not know how he feels about me; even though he invited me before and his family knows me. This weekend was Father’s Day and he had not invited me to the party at his daughter’s house. That really hurt and was the main event that precipitated my breaking up with him.
3. He does not understand that my son is not like other kids; he thinks he is out of control and is deliberately acting irresponsible and disorganized. In conversation with me last week he called my son an “idiot”. That is absolutely unacceptable.
4. He cheated on his ex-wife. When we got back together 18 months ago he started flirting with me and aggressively physically with me several times. He essentially cheated on his girlfriend before he ended that relationship to start dating me again. I am not without fault here; I feel ashamed that I allowed that to happen; I should have not participated in the flirtation until he had ended the relationship.
I do not relish getting back into the dating scene. I find that many men my age have major issues. I am already planning to become involved in volunteer work. My self esteem is somewhat low too because I have not taken care of myself as I should have; I am overweight and have started eating healthy and working out again to get back into shape.
I miss him. Is no contact the way to go here? Should I let go? I miss him so much….
Lizzie

Ok...he's a cheater and he calls your son an idiot. AND he doesn't love you!
I'm sorry to be so direct, but honestly...what is there to discuss??? YES, you should let him go...can you really live with all of the above?
Have the courage of your convictions and let him go. And you won't get over him unless you don't have contact, so if you want to move on, then yes, no contact is the way to go.
Sheri
Hi Lizzie,
I'm sure you're feeling lonely right now, but honestly, you've pointed out many many reasons why you shouldn't be with this man, and the few you think you've pointed out to stay with him, I can easily punch holes in.