My Friend's Cheating BF
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| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:25am |
Okay, so I mentioned I might post something about my best friend and what she is going through right now. I honestly need some help here on how to handle this and how I should go about things.
My best friends boyfriend is just a jerk. They have been together 1.5 years and he is 22, she's 20.
We'll Call my friend C and her BF P.
P will go one week where he calls her every day and wants to spend time with her everyday, then the next week, he won't call her at all and if she calls him and wants to see him, he tells her, "You're bugging me". I've always gotten a bad vibe from him, and I've never trusted him.
Well the day after thanksgiving, "Black Friday", C and I went shopping, when we got back to my place she called P to see if he wanted to go do something, he of course, said no, he was tired and that he was going home. She said Okay, and we rented a couple of movies. when we got done with the movies, she got a phone call from her 18 year old sister telling her that she was in the town where P lives and that she saw him with a girl in his truck.
This is where the drama starts. C immediately starts crying, I take the phone and proceed to find out what exactly has happened. My friends sister said that she was following the P to see where he went. We hung up. C then called P's mom to see if had been home at all yet, P's mom said that she hadn't seen him since he left for work that morning. Then C's phone rang again, and it was P. P then proceeded to tell her that he was at home, and was going to bed. WHAT? Anyway, C eventually told him what her sister had said. And let me tell you, he blew up. He was ranting and raving about he had been home all night, etc... C called him on that and he said that he went home but was only there for about 5 minutes when he best friend called him drunk and needed a designated driver. They hung up, and C's sister called back and said that P was at home now, but that she was still in his neighborhood. They hung up. Then P called C and told her that he saw her sister and that he was going to go beat her A**. C got him to calm down, called her sister and told her to get out of there. P then called back and told C that she better have her sister leave him alone, and that if she wouldn't take care of it he would take care of it in his way.
SERIOUS RED FLAG here in my opinion. Wanting to beat up her sister.
Anyway. He then proceeded to get very mad at C because she believed what her sister told her. They hung up. And I told C that if the situation were reversed he would think the same exact thing. But of course, she then started to think it was all her fault and that she was in the wrong, what??? P does this to her alot, always turns things around on her, so its her fault, even when she's done nothing wrong.
Needless to say, C stayed with him, and said she trusted him.
Well, fast forward to about a week ago. C called me one night after she had been on myspace and said that she got into P's account and he had been writing two different girls. One girl about how he wanted to hook up with her when she got home on Christmas break, and about how he hoped she didn't think he was a horny freak, etc... He also told this girl, that yeah, he had a girlfriend but that he didn't know how much longer that was going to last. He also said that his girlfriend was more serious then he was. Funny thing about that is that he's always the one bringing up marriage with C, not the other way around. The other girl he was talking to he was talking about going out to dinner and a movie.
After this C, did not know what to do with herself. She decided not to tell him that she had seen, but that she would talk to P about if their relationship was okay.
He of course told her everything was great, and that she had nothing to worry about.
My problem now, is that I've been trying to get C to see reason, but she says she trusts him and she wished she would of never read those messages.
She has always doubted herself and thought that it was her fault, which she's doing again.
I don't see how you can trust someone once you see those things, its not possible. And without trust, there is no real relationship.
She claims that he would never cheat on her, but hello, even talking about those things, in my book, is cheating.
He's very mentally and emotionally abusive to her.
Please help. because I don't know how to go about this, should I try to talk to her about it and try to get her to see what he's doing. Or do I just continue to be her friend, and hope that she doesn't get hurt too badly?
~Amber

Hi Amber-
Your friends BF sounds like a real jerk. I definitely think that as her friend, you ought to tell her how you really feel about the situation. Don't be forceful about it; you don't want her to feel like you are attacking her choices. But do tell her, gently, that you think he's abusive mentally to her and that she deserves SO MUCH better. (We all do!!) Also, please keep in mind that once you give your two cents, it's totally up to her to decide how to handle the situation. As much as I know you want to save her from further hurt, this is a lesson that she will have to learn on her own. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is in serious denial and will be learning the hard way. But at the end of the day, she will realize what a great friend you were and how right you were in standing up for her! This will be super hard for your friend, just be there for her as much as possible.
When she told me this weekend that she was going to trust him and that she wasn't going to worry about it and that she knew he wouldn't cheat on her because he's told her that if he was going to do that he would tell her first and break up with her, I told her exactly this...
"About trusting P. In my honest opinion, trust is always going to be an issue between you two now. You've seen the e-mails so I don't think you can go on like you didn't see them. And it is a good thing you saw them.
Even if he never does anything with that T girl just the fact that he was talking about it, is horrible. And if he never does anything with that B girl its still wrong. You just don't do stuff like that when you've been with someone for a 1.5 years.
I just don't want to see you get hurt.
I don't trust P, and I don't think I ever will. Sorry, but that's the truth.
I'm not wanting to sound harsh, I just feel like its kind of my place as a friend of yours to make sure you don't get hurt. I know you're going to make the decision you feel like making. Just be careful.
If I were you I would probably bring up the fact that I had read those e-mails. So he doesn't think he's getting away with it. And so you can maybe find out the truth."
Was that a good thing to say or was it too harsh?
~Amber
Thank you. I don't know if she is upset with me at all. She's coming over today, so we'll see.
I also think she thinks that when I say those things to her, that maybe I'm just trying to break her and her bf up because I don't have a bf. I don't know. Although she does know my situation and basically everytime I see my ex, who is now one of my best friends.
Hopefully, she'll see the light soon. I just don't want her to be hurt. She has low self-esteem and I'm afraid that him doing something like that to her will make her worse.
~Amber
Your friend is in denial even with proof staring her right in the face because she doesn't not want her entire life to change at all. She's scared deep down inside. If she believes what she's seen, heard, read and been told she'd have to deal with the heartache of a break-up, being lied to and rebuild her self-esteem. Her entire life is wrapped up in whether or not she's with him. She doesn't see herself outside of that defined relationship. This happens to many girls her age. It's a sad fact.
She won't believe it until she believes it. You won't be able to make her see reason because she doesn't want to. You can tell her that you love her and support her decision and that you hope when she's ready to see the truth that she will take the necessary steps to get into counseling, rebuild her self-esteem and take care of herself.
You could also print out all our replies and let her read them, but she would probably dismiss them too.
If you need to get her a gift consider one of these:
Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Edited 12/20/2006 3:28 pm ET by itwinflame
Carrie
I'm going to think about this more tonight, but my honest (and quick) opinion is that there is nothing you can say to her that will change her mind.
Thats what I've basically decided to do. She came over last night, and the whole time was talking about how great he is, even though yesterday was the first day she had heard from him in 4 days, and when he called her he immediately started yelling at her because she was at his aunt's house giving his aunt a Christmas card. For some reason he doesn't like it when she visits his family, and he's jealous of the relationship she has with his mom. Might Big Red Flag there if you ask me.
I definitely don't want to drive a wedge between us, so I've decided to just listen, but if she continues to talk about how great he is I might gag.
The last thing I told her about this was two days ago when I said, "Just be careful". I really feel for her, and I know this is all gonna come crashing down on her, and I'll be there to help her pick up the pieces, as she was there for me during my rough time.
Thanks.
~Amber