My heart is broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
My heart is broken
2
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:11am

On Friday my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I didn't see it coming at all. He came over to my house and sat in room and told me he needed a break. That he loved me a cared about me but he needed tome for himself to do what he wanted. Lately he had been wanting to go out with his friends and drink more and more. And I would get upset that he wouldn't be responsible when he did drink (like not having a DD and spending the night over another girl's house).

Basically things started to go bad about a month after he graduated from the police academy. He became more selfish and wanted to do what he wanted and when he wanted. I was putting all of the time into the relationship, not him. I saw it as him going through a quarterlife crisis. He has a new job and is thrown into the "grown up" world. Many of his friends (i.e. drinking buddies) do not have girlfriends or real jobs so they go out a lot. He didn't get a normal undergrad experience because he was always working on weekends and lived at home with his mom. So he didn't go out and party every night and on weekends and he has alaways been in relationships. Probably hasn't been single since freshman year of high school. So basically I think that he is losing control of every aspect of his life. He can't control where he works and who he works with (which is stressing him out), he can't control his friends (who always want him to go out and drink when he has to work), he can't control the fact that he still lives at home, he can't find the time to keep his room clean. But the one thing he can control is our relationship. So since he doesn't have time for anything else and the relationship is the only thing he can control he gets rid of it.

The break up conversation was only about 10-15 minutes. I was so upset and suprised I hardly remember anything he said during it. The next night he sent me a text message asking if I was okay. Obviously I wasn't and he said it hurt him to.

I haven't talked to him since Friday. I still have a lot of questions and am really confused about things. I especially want to know if he still loves me or just loves me as a friend would. I still love him so much and this is incredibly hard. I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I have okay times where I can concentrate and get things done. Other times the pain I feel inside is so great I don't know what to do with myself. I miss him so much it hurts. On our two year he wrote me a card that said the past two years were best of his life and that he knew things were hard now but they would get better. That was only 17 days before he brokw up with me. What happened? Is this just something he needs to work out for himself and in time we may get back together? I am just so confused. I want answers to my questions and want to call him to schedule a time to meet. What if he doesn't answer my call? What if me calling him to talk about things makes me just desperate? What if he really doesn't love me? Then why would he say he did when he was breaking up with me?




Edited 5/1/2007 12:41 am ET by susie152007
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:38am
Why, why, why?
Who knows?
Maybe he will come around, but for now he's not. I wanted to know too. He was like crack to me. I would want the pain to stop so he would tell me he loved me, and it covered the big hole through the middle of me. And I would go on thinking everything was going to be ok and he'd come around. But then he'd come around less and less all the while remaining consistant and adament that he loved me. and really I came around one day and realized "what does it matter if he loves me, he's not doing anything about it, what good is love if you aren't together?"
Coming to that realization happened 2 months later. Everyone on here is going to give you advice and I'm not saying it won't be good advice, its great advice but when they gave it to me I was not ready to take it. But my aunt said to me at one point "you will know when you've had enough" and you know what? She was absolutely right, I knew when I'd had enough of this. And you will too. Gather your thoughts, gather the information you get here and when it hits you, you will walk away.
Right now I'm fine, I'm fine because I have to be. I still have this fantasy that in a few months he'll come crawling back saying he did make a big mistake, I cry, I feel really low down I'm really moody sometimes and I get angry with people very quickly, but its getting better. But that question "why" it won't get you anywhere because even if he does his best to answer you the answer won't set you free. It will just lead to more "why's". The first thing you can start to do in your recovery is very simple, take "why" and "should" out of your vocabulary. And just go with what you know and what is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:12pm

Thanks Sun14. I can really see your point. When I posted this I was really lost and confused. He had just changed his relationship status on facebook. And as dumb as it sounds it really felt like I was dumped all over again, because now everyone will know about. It was really making things public.

Today was a reasonably good day. A little bit of sadness and depression and a lot of thinking about things, but not many tears. He also sent me a text message today and after asking how I was doing wanted to know if I wanted to talk. I feel that even though it hasn't been too long I can talk calmly to him. And I feel a lot of my anxiety over this is because I didn't even get a chance to ask him the questions I have. So whether he answers them or not at least I will have had to opportunity to ask them. I also want to know the terms of things. Can we talk once in a while? Hang out eventually?

One thing that did help was my talking to an older female friend. Her and her now husband have two kids. They dated in undergrad and broke up for 3 years. But now they are perfectly happy. They just both needed time to grow up and do their own things. I'm not saying that will be the case for me but it is nice to know that there are stories out there like that.

Thanks again for your response.