my heart is broken so is hers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
my heart is broken so is hers
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 10:49pm

I have been in a relationship with a woman I had loved for them last 7 years.
Our first date was on March 17th her birthday and our aniversary is the day after.
I had been truely in love with her and she loved me. We eventually had 2 children together which are now 4 and 5 and she had a child from a previous marriage and he is 11.
However over time we had grown distant. I had found myself depressed and distant from her.
I got into a hobby and it became a obsession. I lost touch with everyone around me and her as well as spending thousands of dollars on this hobby. I have had unsteady work and had a job that wasn't guarented. She had taken a job with benifits and taken a second job to make ends meet. Our sex life became a monthly ordeal and sometimes not even that often.
I found her to bitter and nasty around me alot mostly probably due to the fact she was tired. Things haven't been happy for us for the last 5 or more years. Then in 2005 she started to have sex with me alot more which made me happy but she still maintianed she was unhappy. She started to loose weight and lost about 45lbs me being so shallow and into my hobby I didn't even notice.
I guess around Decemeber a old friend of hers looked her up. She was happy to hear from him but she kept it secret from me. Things slowly started turning romantic with them and sexual in thier emails. He is still married to another woman.
She decided at the end of January to fly and go meet her old friend. Well she claimed it was a business trip. I accepted that and she went off and came back 3 days later. We had passionate sex and then afterwards she admitted to me she had gone to meet this guy to have a affair. It turns out things were much different than she thought he was very sick and he had lied to her. I was devestated and became very depressed. Although I had a much darker secret than hers. I had been secretly having Cybersex behind her back for years and actually met a few people. I was very unhappy and remember telling her I was unahppy too. I had ended my affairs in 2004 I had put it behind me and decided they weren't worth loosing her over them.
We had been arguing for days since she had come back I felt deeply deceived even though I had done it to her in the past.
Finally I felt very cornered and weak and I blurted out my affairs to her. I felt I couldn't hold my secrets any longer. She was quite hurt from hearing of them.
We are still living together and I sleep on the couch off and on when she works nights.
I have appologised probably over a thousand times and I know still it's not enough. Meanwhile seeing my kids everyday makes my heartbreak and I don't want to loose them.
She wants to leave where we live and move back to california and to take the kids.
I have some contact with her a hug here and there. She has told me she doesn't want to take a chance on me again and that her heart is tired. She also said she would rather be alone than be with anyone at this point.
I still love my fiance and I tell her I still love her and all she can say is I know.
She has had sex with me when she has gotten drunk and admits that sex with me was great we just didn't have any emotional involvement though.
I have been trying ot be her friend and is has made us more civil but I can't help to want to crave more than just friends.
Now she just wants to have sex with me but that's all.
She is not sure if it is a good idea or not though yet part of me wants to have sex so I can be close to her. She is seeing a relationship councilor but I am not supposed to go to hers yet.
My emotions with her are all over the place.
I found myself crying wanting to touch her and kiss her and she pushes me away.
I have since given up my hobby sold it. I have been trying to focus more on the kids and the family and am seeing someone over my depression.
I know I really screwed up and I am hurting I wouldn't wish my emotions I have had on my worst enemy.
I don't know how I can forgive myself at this point. I don't know if I am even worth forgiving I have found I have had alot of hatred towards myself. I even had sucicidal thoughts although I hadn't acted on them I still thought about it.
I don't want to loose her I hope time will heal us but I don't know what will happen.
I don't know if I should try and move on or wait it out? I honestly feel like crap and have tremendous guilt living here with her though.

B.