Hi Stacey, thoughts or words of wisdom coming right up ;)
Just because you *feel* like your feelings for him weren't reciprocated, doesn't mean they actually weren't. That's just how you "feel" and to be honest, we do a pretty bang-up job of beating up on ourselves, especially when we're hurting and nose-deep in a pint of Ben & Jerry's. That's where talking to yourself negatively is so dangerous, we tend to believe the worst about ourselves ;-) Good thing is that that's simple enough to overcome by just changing the things you *allow* yourself to think, which in turn will change how you feel. I promise you that works.
Next, about his, "I don't want anything to change, but I don't want to date anymore." Um, no. You can't ask for a breakup and still expect everything else, all the goodies and the nice-nice, to be the same. It doesn't happen that way, everything changes. That's why we have relationships with some people and not others. See, when people ask for a break or a breakup, they REALLY need to be taught what they are truly asking for and how that's going to feel. Lots of times, people are reacting to the *circumstances* of the relationship and not truly the *person* when they ask for a breakup. They say, "I can't do this anymore," which usually means, "I wish our relationship was different, but the interaction you and I have created between ourselves just sux now and it doesn't make me happy." Standing OUTSIDE of that situation, that's really not so bad and you can see how to fix it most times, but it stinks when you're in the middle of it. So no being friends at this point. One, you can't handle it right now, and two, the one who broke up needs to see the DIFFERENCE in his life. If you still hang out as friends, there's no DIFFERENCE in his life and so therefore, you're not reinforcing your importance in it. Get that?
This next part is what gets me about many of the folks who come to this board and have a harder time than others when it comes to the after-party in breakups: The LACK OF FRIENDS. Very basically, humans are social creatures, we have a need to socialize to varying degrees and we have a Personal Responsibility to ourselves to find different people to fulfill different roles in our lives. This is not optional. One person can *not* be everything in another person's life, that's unrealistic, it's unfair to the other person and to themselves, and 9 times out of 10 that's the major downfall of any relationship set up that way. To make one person our whole circle of interest and interaction is being unfair to ourselves and it shortchanges our entire existence and experience of life. In addition to fighting internally against the breakup, you end up fighting against "losing" the socialization, the interaction of human to human. That lack of friends mistake helps to keep people going round and round in off-on, cyclic, dead-end relationships a LOT longer than necessary or warranted. So make some new friends, you owe yourself big time.
Seeing your pain and tears is going to do NOTHING for him. Seriously, it won't. He's not a girl. Women get affected by tears and shows of emotionality, etc. and it can sometimes serve to bring *women* closer, but for men who are already trying to get away from a woman, the tears just act as even more of a repellent. He won't be able to get out of there fast enough because his reasons will be reinforced. That's NOT to say men are heartless, they just don't react positively to tears, they have no idea what to do about them--- especially when they already feel guilty for being the cause of them. He may comfort you in that second, but when he leaves, he'll say, "Dang! Glad I got out of there!" Save the tears for your girlfriends and your hairstylist. What works better on guys is *not* the "I don't care" attitude that many women mistakenly adopt, but rather, a "This sux, but it's not breaking me, see?" attitude. That's the combination of humanity, vulnerability and self-confidence that spins their heads.
Last but not least, "I don't want this break up because I'd rather have something than make the effort to get out there again," is sooooo unattractive. No one wants to be near that, no one wants to be someone's consolation prize in the Game of Life. See, that translates to, "Being with you is better than being alone," and who wants to be the choice just slightly above lifelong loneliness? No one. Can't get away from that quick enough. Hving a weak social circle contributes to this in ways that are surprising.
Ok, so that was the reasons behind it all, now what to do: Go out there and get a life, girl. Act like you own it, because you do. Go find some new activities and meet all sorts of people and make new friends so that you never again feel like you got thrown out into the cold when someone walks out of your life. Let them go with ease and thank the universe they showed up to help you learn something about yourself. The easier you let people go, the easier and quicker more people will show up to take their place.
Oh Stacey, please stay strong and just try and focus on what is best for you and your self esteem.
You are better then this and he did not fall in love with a pathetic crying women, i am sure that he fell in love with a strong, funny, lovable women,
Hi Stacey, thoughts or words of wisdom coming right up ;)
Just because you *feel* like your feelings for him weren't reciprocated, doesn't mean they actually weren't. That's just how you "feel" and to be honest, we do a pretty bang-up job of beating up on ourselves, especially when we're hurting and nose-deep in a pint of Ben & Jerry's. That's where talking to yourself negatively is so dangerous, we tend to believe the worst about ourselves ;-) Good thing is that that's simple enough to overcome by just changing the things you *allow* yourself to think, which in turn will change how you feel. I promise you that works.
Next, about his, "I don't want anything to change, but I don't want to date anymore." Um, no. You can't ask for a breakup and still expect everything else, all the goodies and the nice-nice, to be the same. It doesn't happen that way, everything changes. That's why we have relationships with some people and not others. See, when people ask for a break or a breakup, they REALLY need to be taught what they are truly asking for and how that's going to feel. Lots of times, people are reacting to the *circumstances* of the relationship and not truly the *person* when they ask for a breakup. They say, "I can't do this anymore," which usually means, "I wish our relationship was different, but the interaction you and I have created between ourselves just sux now and it doesn't make me happy." Standing OUTSIDE of that situation, that's really not so bad and you can see how to fix it most times, but it stinks when you're in the middle of it. So no being friends at this point. One, you can't handle it right now, and two, the one who broke up needs to see the DIFFERENCE in his life. If you still hang out as friends, there's no DIFFERENCE in his life and so therefore, you're not reinforcing your importance in it. Get that?
This next part is what gets me about many of the folks who come to this board and have a harder time than others when it comes to the after-party in breakups: The LACK OF FRIENDS. Very basically, humans are social creatures, we have a need to socialize to varying degrees and we have a Personal Responsibility to ourselves to find different people to fulfill different roles in our lives. This is not optional. One person can *not* be everything in another person's life, that's unrealistic, it's unfair to the other person and to themselves, and 9 times out of 10 that's the major downfall of any relationship set up that way. To make one person our whole circle of interest and interaction is being unfair to ourselves and it shortchanges our entire existence and experience of life. In addition to fighting internally against the breakup, you end up fighting against "losing" the socialization, the interaction of human to human. That lack of friends mistake helps to keep people going round and round in off-on, cyclic, dead-end relationships a LOT longer than necessary or warranted. So make some new friends, you owe yourself big time.
Seeing your pain and tears is going to do NOTHING for him. Seriously, it won't. He's not a girl. Women get affected by tears and shows of emotionality, etc. and it can sometimes serve to bring *women* closer, but for men who are already trying to get away from a woman, the tears just act as even more of a repellent. He won't be able to get out of there fast enough because his reasons will be reinforced. That's NOT to say men are heartless, they just don't react positively to tears, they have no idea what to do about them--- especially when they already feel guilty for being the cause of them. He may comfort you in that second, but when he leaves, he'll say, "Dang! Glad I got out of there!" Save the tears for your girlfriends and your hairstylist. What works better on guys is *not* the "I don't care" attitude that many women mistakenly adopt, but rather, a "This sux, but it's not breaking me, see?" attitude. That's the combination of humanity, vulnerability and self-confidence that spins their heads.
Last but not least, "I don't want this break up because I'd rather have something than make the effort to get out there again," is sooooo unattractive. No one wants to be near that, no one wants to be someone's consolation prize in the Game of Life. See, that translates to, "Being with you is better than being alone," and who wants to be the choice just slightly above lifelong loneliness? No one. Can't get away from that quick enough. Hving a weak social circle contributes to this in ways that are surprising.
Ok, so that was the reasons behind it all, now what to do: Go out there and get a life, girl. Act like you own it, because you do. Go find some new activities and meet all sorts of people and make new friends so that you never again feel like you got thrown out into the cold when someone walks out of your life. Let them go with ease and thank the universe they showed up to help you learn something about yourself. The easier you let people go, the easier and quicker more people will show up to take their place.
Have a great day and welcome to the board,
Hi Stacy,
Welcome to the board Stacey,
You've gotten excellent advice.