My heart hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
My heart hurts.
26
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:09am

The love of my life left me a couple weeks ago. I go from one minute being okay and then I am a crying mess the next. I keep waiting for it to get better, for him to come back to me, but it doesn't and neither does he.

How am I supposed to go on? I am waiting around when I know I need to let go. I am doing everything I know to move on, running, leaning on my friends for support, and still it's harder than I can bear.

I know I'm not the only one who's had their heart broken but right now it's hard to even breathe.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:19am
I am going through the same thing you are so I understand your frustration with not being able to go on. The hardest part is to accept that it's really over and that you can't fix it because you can't hang on to something that's not even there. He's not coming back and hoping he'd call or text is torture. Then all of the memories come flooding back is even worse. It helps to read some self-help books, go to church and talk to your friends or family members, work out and write down all your thoughts on paper just let it all out and if you cry then let the tears flow....for me those are some of the things I do to help me go forward. It is tough because you gave your heart and soul to that man and he just tore it into a million pieces and walk out of your life for his own selfish reasons. But in the end just know that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for all of us. What doesn't kill you make you stronger and that we'll be able to find a man that will love and adore us....just be positive.
I can't even remember the last time I have more than 5 hours of sleep, I look like hell and it's hard to put on a happy face when you come to work and have to say you're fine when you're really not.
Hang in there and with time the pain will slowly go away and you can get back to your old self again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:27am
Holly....I feel your pain. My bf left me a couple of weeks ago (to the day) too. It's like a roller coaster ride of emotions, Friday I was inconsolable but today I am fine for the time being. I am now at the stage where I know he is not coming back and I think I am kind of numb about it. I can only hope it will get easier for the both of us. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:15pm
Hi Holly,
My boyfriend broke up with me about 8 weeks ago, and I know exactly how you feel, I was devastated, couldn't eat or sleep, and couldn't imagine ever feeling better. I still have days where I cry and miss him and the memories come flooding back, but generally from day to day it gets easier and you can distract yourself with friends and work. It's a slow process, and you find yourself wishing that you could fast forward a couple of months, but slowly it does get better. I know you won't believe it now, but honestly, you have to believe me when I say it does fade, I promise you!
Em xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:36pm
Hello. So I was where you were about three months ago. He was the love of my life and sometimes I still miss him. I was a mess. I lost 10 pounds, i cried at the drop of a pen, I was worthless at work, I couldnt function.... I've been there. I waited around for him to change his mind. Wondered if he would call. My heart felt like it had a 1000 pound weight dropped on it. I've been there. I thought I could do no better than him. My self confidence was shot. I've been there. Then I snapped out of it. I shoved him off his little pedestal. Took a no contact period. That drove him crazy by the way. He wanted control and when he realized I was moving on... he wouldnt obey my no contact. I had to forcefully stop him from contacting me. It took me a month to come to terms with it being over and another two months to get happy. Im at a wonderful time in my life. I found God again. I've met a man that is absolutely amazing. When I thought I couldnt do any better, I was wrong. He is everything that my exe wasn't. I also realize all the bad things about that relationship and about my exe now. How selfish he was. How insecure. How he asked me to give up my dreams but wouldn't compromise for me. He even had the audacity to send me pictureso f him on vacation with another girl. The vacation we were supposed to go on. He also broke up with me via instant messenger. He wasn't the perfect man that I made him out to be. Yes, I loved him and yes, the relationship taught me alot. But sometimes they aren't meant to work out. You are going to be a mess for awhile, but take steps to pull yourself out of it. Read "Its called a breakup, because its broken." (excellent book by the way) STart running or working out. Get a hobby. Continue to work on your relationships with your friends and your family. Whenever you feel sad or lonely, go do something. But also allow yourself to do nothing and heal. Its basically like you are mourning them. It feels like they died, but they really didn't. Start to come to terms with it. Tell yourself its over. Write a list of all the bad things about him and the relationship and read it to yourself when you think about all the good memories. Write unsent letters. Scream your lungs out in your car or in your pillow. Allow yourself to be hysterical for a few minutes. I got to a point where i didn't want ot feel that way at all anymore, so I made an effort to start getting over it. I have my moments sometimes, but I dont get sad when I think about him. I just wonder what he's up to once and awhile. Do I call him? No. Has he called me? Absolutely. DO I answer? Absolutely not. Im not ready to be his friend. I tried, but he kept doing things to hurt me... ie. the pictures of him with another girl. SO I made myself unavailable to him. I think this new guy deserves every chance i can give him... i dont need my exe to fog that. You will get through this, but its going to take some work on your part. Seek a counselor if necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:43pm

Holly2702, that last post from Lindseyloo was right on and I couldn't have said it better myself. My bf broke up with me three weeks ago today and today was the first day I didn't cry. I have gone through all of the emotions that you are. Writing down the things I don't miss about our relationship was a great thing to do. I read it over every time I get sad and nostalgic (which is often) and it empowers me. And the book is great, too - I highly recommend it. You will survive, look it's happened to so many of us. I would have stayed with my ex forever if he didn't end it. But he did and it will make me stronger and I am determined to find someone special again. I have no interest in being friends with by ex because friends don't break your heart.

Good luck with the healing process. You will be okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: holly2702
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:54pm

Its been 4 months for me. Its not easier. I'm not stronger, I'm not happier. I still cry uncontrolably. I dont' call him, he calls me once in a while, I do talk to him. I did NC for 38 days, it helped but mostly all it did was make me sit and wonder where he was, what he was doing, and who was he doing it with, was he thinking of me, did I care? I can get through the day now and fake the happiness. I've been asked out on 2 dates in one week so apparantly my misery isn't makeing me unattractive which I find strange because I know I'm not myself.

Its not all doom and gloom though because although I do believe that I was meant to be with this man and I do believe he is making the biggest mistake of his life, and I do believe that he will wake up and realize what he'd doing...I also do believe that it could take him another 50 years before he comes to that conclusion and I don't want to wait and possibly be disappointed again. I don't want him to have to break my heart again because it broke his the first time he broke mine. I just want him to be happy and I only want the best for him. I'll have to stand aside and be miserable for as long as it takes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:04pm
oh honey. i know exactly how you feel. I know we are meant to be but for whatever reason he's scared right now. I want to hold on, I can't even fathom letting go.
Are we kidding ourselves?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:51pm
Yes, you are kidding yourselves. I don't mean to offend you in anyway, but the kind of attitude Sun is displaying will lead you down a long, long road of misery. 4 months is already a long time and it doesn't look like there is going to be much improvement in the next four if she sits there and thinks they are coming back.... that they are making a mistake. It rarely happens. Guys think differently. They are able to move on and be happy much quicker (not an absolute but a majority). It is going to take a lot of time to come to terms with it, but eventually you will be able to let go. You will never stop loving him... I still love my exe. But I realize that you can love someone and not be with them. I love a lot of people... my parents, my friends, etc. I'm not supposed to be with him. At least not right now. I do believe God has a plan for everyone and who knows what may happen years down the line. Im not holding my breathe or hoping he is in my future. He was awful to me during the break-up. He showed me this whole other side that really turned me off to him. I realized (after a lot of heartache and crying) that he isn't who im supposed to be with right now. I felt like no contact was good for me, because I also thought about him alot... what he was doing... who he was with. Those feelings and thoughts started to lessen and now I don't think about him much at all. WHenever I do, I occupy myself with something else. I don't allow him to consume my thoughts. That just hinders the healing process. But it takes awhile to get to that point. So do yourself a favor, start taking steps to get to that point. YOu have no choice really. There is nothing you can do or say to make him come back. He has to want to do it and if he easily walked out on you once, chances are he wont be walking back into your life anytime soon. Even if he does, not in the context that you want him in. He is done being your boyfriend. He will probably try to be your friend, but sometimes that hurts more than not talking to them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: holly2702
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:04pm

Well...that's kind of the question before the court. Its a paradox. The proverbial rock and hard place. If we move on will you forgive yourself for not trying hard enough, if you keep trying are you just prolonging the pain. If it works out you'll know it was worth it, if it doesn't work out you'll be in for a world of hurt. If we knew we wouldnt' be here.

Mostly the best advice I've gotten was from my aunt and I've said it on here before and I'll say it to you: You will know when you've had enough.

My college roommate and I went to lunch this weekend and we had one of those really long talks that we haven't had since we were in college (about 7 years ago). We've lost touch for most of those years for various reasons. I still consider to be the person who knows me better than anyone in the world. She lived with me in a 15 sq ft room for 4 years. We always got along, she was my best friend she knew everything about me. She is now a psychologist. When we were talking I said that I wish I just say "forget it, screw you, I'm done. but I can't. I love him. I know he was the person I was meant to be with." She sighed and started to say something and I interjected and said "I know, I know, I can't say that I will meet someone else and I deserve better than this. I know everyone tells me." and she said "That's not what I was going to say and sometimes people need to shut their mouths". Then she went on to say that he might be the person that I'm supposed to be with and its terrible that we aren't together. She dosen't have the answers for me.
It really made me feel good, in a painful way. Because for once no one was telling me to get beck on the horse and no one was telling me he was jerk and no one was telling me to fight for him and no one was telling me to fight for him or try harder or anything. She was just understanding of how I was feelind and recognized that there is no easy clear cut answer to the situation I'm in.

so for you....no one knows your situation except you and him. I can't tell you you are kidding yourself, I can't tell you you aren't kidding yourself. You just need to recognize that there aren't really any answers at this point and that you will know when you've had enough. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to e-mail me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: holly2702
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 1:29pm

I'll have to stand aside and be miserable for as long as it takes.


It makes me

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