My heart hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
My heart hurts.
26
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:09am

The love of my life left me a couple weeks ago. I go from one minute being okay and then I am a crying mess the next. I keep waiting for it to get better, for him to come back to me, but it doesn't and neither does he.

How am I supposed to go on? I am waiting around when I know I need to let go. I am doing everything I know to move on, running, leaning on my friends for support, and still it's harder than I can bear.

I know I'm not the only one who's had their heart broken but right now it's hard to even breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:46pm


Thanks! I like your post and I agree with it.

My ex dumped me over 4 months ago...at first, I was upset, crying, and couldn't deal with it. She, on the other hand, was sure that she was doing the right thing.
I really thought she would get over it first, and I would be miserable. Well, 4 months later, and it seems like she is still miserable, and I am feeling great, for the most part. I still love her, miss her, and wish I was with her, but, I know that, whatever happens happens. I am not going to search for false hope that we will be together again. I would like it to be, but then again, who is to say she won't just do this again, some time later?
I am in contact with her, from time to time because, are kids became like sisters when we were together, and they still keep in touch, almost every day.
I dropped off my daughter at her house last night, and spoke with my ex briefly, and it seems she still has issues. I pretty much feel, my life, right now is great, and if we get back together, or not, it doesn't matter much. I have a great life right now, great neighbors, and I am doing stuff for me. My ex is seeing that. Last night, she complained about her money issues...I didn't know what to say so I said I couldn't really talk about that, but I wished her well. Her money issues are because she broke up with me, and asked me to move out, leaving her with a huge mortgage to pay for. I didn't say this, but if she didn't break up with me, she wouldn't be having money issues.

Don't wait for him to get back with you. Live your life as best as you can, and do things that you like to do. If it was meant to be, then he will come back. In the meantime, you get your life back on track and live life as if you are the only one that matters, not him.

Good luck.
Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:57pm

Holly, and the rest of you gals. It is just pure torture I'm telling you. I have just recently been let go, officially it was just 2 days ago. I suggested time apart because he was giving me not one ounce of effort and sacrifice that I've given. So day after day about a week of telling him "if you were into me this is what you would of been doing" stuff. After that, I guess he finally realized that he wasn't ready, and that he hasn't really been giving 100%. I saw it coming and I was just a sucker for thinking it could get better or that he can change. No way!

It hurts thinking of all the good times and realizing its really over. I know we tell ourselves "no it can't be over because he said this and that in the past, and that I know he meant it". All of his sweet nothings were just really nothing sweet and it's soo hard to accept that. I work with my ex and it's difficult to function and pretend everything is ok. I'm trying my best just to focus and erase all our memories because that's whats killing me.

What I hate most is that he doesn't want things to be completely over, just remain as friends and see where things go. He claims I want a full blown relationship and he's just not ready for it and he feels bad for me waiting in the wings, wants to take things slow. He's not ready to commit, but yet he still wants some sort of contact? Bad idea right? That just totally aggravates me. I know what to do and think already but my emotions just can't help but get in the way and be optimistic. HELP ME GIRLS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: holly2702
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 4:49pm
I know exactly how you feel. Mine walked out on my a month ago. It was totally unexpected and I thought he was deeply into me. I know the crying fits--they just creep up on you one second where immediately before, you were just fine. I don't tend to cry as much, but the pain is still there. I DO know it will eventually go away but I wish there were some easier way of letting go. It IS hard...I think its the closest pain you can get to death. So you are not alone and I'm in it just like you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 11:43am
First of all I am not dependant on someone else to make me happy and what I meant when I said about not being happy before is not that I wasn't happy and I need someone to make me happy I just realized how happy I could be in life when I have someone to share it with. Before my ex I was strong and independant and not needing of anyone. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I was focused on me for my entire life. When I was with him he showed me that life was not meant to be lived alone and that you need people in your life for love and support and companionship.
It is not that I am not willing to move on or that I'm comfortable in my sadness. Its the fact that everyone says "do this, do that, love yourself, blah blah blah". Its not that I don't. I have a very healthy self awareness and self esteem and that is something that the councilor told me when I went to him. Its the feelings of love that i can't get over. I literally feel like I lost a limb. Like I have a huge hole in the middle of me. And it doesn't help to have people tell me that after 4 months I should be moved on because I feel like there is something wrong with me like I'm a weak willed person who is dependant on someone else. I'm not. I never have been.
I can't really explain to anyone what I'm feeling or the type of person I am or what I'm going through. I'm mostly tired of people saying "just find someone new" "just don't be sad anymore" I'm trying! I don't know what to do anymore! Its not that easy and two people in my life told me its ok to be sad and for some reason that's supposed to be wrong? One of those people is a professional psychologist who's known me better than anyone and she said its ok to be sad. Its not that I want to be sad Its not that I want to be not over this. But I'm putting more pressure on myself to be ok that's its making me worse.
Oh and one more thing. I've done NC. I'm doing it again. Because that's what I "should" be doing.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 1:09pm

It IS ok to be sad, it's a necessary part of the grieving process. I can't remember how long you were with your ex but unless it was under a year, then 4 months isn't enough time to get over him, so there is definitely not anything wrong with you. However, if you're in contact with your ex, then NO amount of time will be enough--you restart the recovery period every time you talk to him. I'm glad to hear you've started no contact again--that's a necessary part of the process also. And you'll probably get sadder the longer you do no contact as it sinks in that it's really, truly over--but eventually, that will turn around and you'll start to come out on the other side. My mantra whenever I go through a breakup is "the only way out is through" and that's so, so true.

Anyway--focus on no contact for the time being and hang in there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:50pm
Thank You Sheri. Yes it is difficult to have contact with my ex because like you said, the healing process has to start over again. It's just more difficult for me because I work with him and his insensitive self thinks its ok to approach me, call me and text me anytime he wants. His excuse was because he couldn't help but think of me and miss me last night. What a selfish, mind screwing thing to do! Now I have to start all over with the healing, and I can't help but think now, what if he calls, texts or approaches me at work again? I have to admit, I don't mind it in a way because I do miss him too... I need some advice! Some will power or something. Please help.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:55pm

Well, it's up to you to make a decision that you are ready to move on and then do whatever you have to in order to implement that decision.

If that means changing your number so he can't call or text you, then that's what you do.

If that means not speaking to him at work except for what's absolutely necessary in order to do your job, then that's what you do.

It won't be easy by any means--but the alternative is to be stuck in this painful limbo.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:27pm
Oh honey, I know exactly what you're going through, because up until about a week ago, I was doing the exact same thing. The love of my life broke my heart after a year, told me(and I quote)"I don't love you like I used to, I don't see a future with you, I'm just not attracted to you anymore"...after that, I literally thought I would stop breathing. The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the person I would die for, said he had no feelings towards me whatsoever. I was fine for a couple of hours, then one little thing would happen to remind me of him and I would break down and cry until I ran out of tears. The piece of advice I will give you is to let yourself grieve. Be absolutely unbearably sad, cry until you don't think you can cry anymore, be mad at the jerk for leaving you, but still realize that you love him. Then, one day...you'll wake up and say "Hey...I don't miss him as much today as I did yesterday", then eventually, you'll go a whole 24 hours without thinking of him at all...the heartache WILL fade away, it could take months, it could take years, but it will go away. If you recognize and accept the way you're feeling, it's alot easier to pick up the pieces and move on, when you're ready. When it comes right down to it, the world doesn't stop turning. You can't stop living because one person crushed you. The only thing you can do is keep breathing, learn a new routine, try to find the humor in the small stuff, and thank God for everything you've got whether it be a wonderful family, an awesome group of friends or just a great haircut. I know this is lengthy, but I wish someone had given me this advice when my ex left me. I hope you can see the positive in this horrible situation, and that is that you deserve to be with someone who absolutely adores you, like can't-take-a-breath-without-this-woman kind of love. You'll find it, I'll find it, and it will all be worth the past heartache:) Prayers for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 9:42pm
Amen to your message! I am grieving less and less everyday but the ache is still there. It doesn't help when i work with the guy and he just will not leave me alone. I am staying strong and focusing on me and only on me. I forgot to put myself first and just let that jerk take advantage of me. One day all these men will realize the love we've given and that it will be like no others. They will keep in mind the love and devotion we spilled for them, and realize it when it's just too late. Lets just pray for those men to wake up and realize that. We dated these men for a reason, I guess that's because we saw some good in them right? So hopefully they'll learn their lesson soon and stop hurting all of the innocent, adore deserving women (if that makes any sense). Thank you for your great advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 4:23am
i'm going through the exact same thing. my boyfriend and i dated for a year and we lived together the whole time. it kinda feels like everything around you is ruined and you have to rebuild it. its true i didn't eat for like 5 days, and am just feeling a little better. you'll get through it, and this person was just another step toward The One.