My heart hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
My heart hurts.
26
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:09am

The love of my life left me a couple weeks ago. I go from one minute being okay and then I am a crying mess the next. I keep waiting for it to get better, for him to come back to me, but it doesn't and neither does he.

How am I supposed to go on? I am waiting around when I know I need to let go. I am doing everything I know to move on, running, leaning on my friends for support, and still it's harder than I can bear.

I know I'm not the only one who's had their heart broken but right now it's hard to even breathe.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:37am

Sun - just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat. Dont think you have to be over someone in 4 months time; thats really not that long, especially if you were together for years and years. My ex left me about 6 months ago, and although I am happy in other areas of my life, the feelings for my ex are just as strong and Im just as in love with him even though we have no contact (he cut all ties). I still have false hope which is a problem - I still havent figured out how to make that go away.

What has made things a little easier is that rather than trying to date or meet new guys I just said to myself "OK, Im just leaving my personal life alone and will just focus on the happiness I can achieve in other areas, work, friends, family, shopping etc." I may not be able to have love, but that doesnt mean I dont have anything else to be happy about. Maybe you could try this too - you dont have to get back on the horse, just leave the horses alone for now! (trying to inject a bit of humor here) feel free to email me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:58am
Thank you. Sometimes I have really bad days and others are not so bad. I come here when the times are really really bad because I can't let my guard down in front of people anymore. No one wants to be around the sad girl all the time and not too many people know what I'm going through. So I come here because I felt like it was ok to be sad and although its good to hear all the encouraging words people give sometimes its also nice to know that its ok to be sad. I wanted Holly to know its ok to be sad.
I said I cry uncontrolably because I miss him so much. I will want to tell a story about him or reference him or hear a song or see a person, object, place, thing that reminds me of him and I'll loose it. I know how to pick myself up and dust myself off and get out and focus on me and do things that I like but I don't know how to stop loving him and missing him without the miserable pain that comes with it. If I can just stuff the memory away and never think of it again it will be fine but all the outside factors make it impossible for me to forget him and never go back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 2:20am
this is exactly what i am going through. and we broke up the exact same way. it has been two days for me and he wants to remain friends as well. he even txt me today saying i was an amazing girl...i was sooo happy and in love with him but in the end he said the timing wasn't right, he wasn't ready for this serious of a relationship, but he still cared for me and loved me more than anyone else he has ever loved before. i dont know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 3:25am

Well, if a guy loves you so much, why wouldn't he do everything to be with you? That is always so strange to me. If you care so much, why do you break my heart, treat me like dirt and then tell me how much you care? I think they do it so they don't feel as guilty. They think by keeping contact to "see how you are doing" they are being helpful when they are just stringing you along. Every time a guy dumps me and tried to be friends I maintain no contact. I have never regretted this. For me personally it's the only way I can move on.

At the same time when my boyfriend broke up with me (or I realized I had been dumped) he just stopped calling me. He did the no contact thing without a word that it was over. The only saving grace was it was not a very long relationship, but it was one of the most cowardly, horrible things I've had a guy do to me in a long time. A few dates, the guy stops calling ok. Several months of seeing each other and even having the relationship talk, there is no excuse not to just be a man and have a talk face to face. This was pretty disgusting. When I finally saw him I ran into him in the street during my lunch hour. He tried to apologize and say he had just been so stressed, told him I had nothing to say to him. I basically cut him off. Who needs his lame empty excuses. The truth is, if I started talking I would not have been able to stop and my dignity would have ended up going out the window in the middle of my work day. I can't think of anything worse than coming back to the office in sobs!

Even if he had been apologetic and even if he had wanted me back, there is no way I would ever consider holding out hope for someone who can be such a coward about what should have been a simple, normal relationship. I am still angry as hell, but hopefully this will fade and I can learn to trust someone again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:52am

Officially, it's been about a month since my ex and I have separated. I've been coping and moping since, not to mention the great difficulty of realizing it really is over. But I am mending strong and realizing how much I really should value myself first, rather than a heart torturing man that I can't believe I fell for.

I hear ya live laugh love25. The torture for you seems to have just begun. I will tell you that he will text, call, or even try to see you. NOT because he actually misses you, but it's to know if you're miserable. Evil I know, but us women think that way too right? Soo please trust me and resist the most tempting temptation of all....DO NOT CONTACT HIM BACK!!

Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up or fought and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship. Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back. Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now. And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you.

Once your ex-guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior. I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive. But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.

If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him-

My personal experience, I've realized that us women can never ever ever change a man. What keeps us in an unhealthy relationship is that we convince ourselves that we think we can convince them or try and fix things for us, and all we do is wait and be hopeful. It's more like HOPELESS to me now that I've realized it. Of course there are men out there that will change for us because he wants to (not has to) for us, but thats the rarity that us women need to value ourselves more and nevertheless be patient for...THAT'S TRUE LOVE.

I'm still aching here and there, I can admit it. But ever since I've cut all ties with my ex, he has been nonstop texting me every now and then and calling me (which I DO NOT respond to). It honestly makes me feel like a better woman knowing he's hung up on me still. And I can care less if he's sad, miserable, or just plain ol' missing the hell out of me (which I know he is!), because it is completely 100% his loss. I showed my guy sacrifice, effort, and love, and I'm sure you did too. When he's lonely and missing your voice and they rest of the package, he WILL realize how much he's screwed up for letting a great woman like you go. You just need to gain that confidence of realizing the "IM WAAAY BETTER THAN HIM" attitude. DO NOT be optimistic on trying to mend things back together. If it was meant to be, you'll feel it, but you put no more than none/zip/zero % into fixing what he broke. OK!? Hang in there! Just resist the "falling into his trap" stuff. TRUST ME! TAKE CARE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
In reply to: holly2702
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:56pm
whimsy923 thank you so much for your advice and support it honestly has made me feel so much better about everything, but most of all myself! it is him who is losing out in the end not me.

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