My heart keeps breaking
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My heart keeps breaking
| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:20am |
I thought I would post here because I am just really having a hard time with this tonite.. I am really just speaking how I feel and anyone that can make me feel better please do it.. I need to feel better right now... a joke .. something.... I know it's only been like since thursday that we broke up, and my heart just seems so overwhelmed the min that I think I am doing better then I have some sort of set back.. Like I will think of something really fun we did and then it set's me in this crying pattern.. I am trying to just snap out of it but we where together like 4 years and it's just hard to realize that it's over even though he keeps saying where getting back together..I feel like he stringing me along with this false hope and then all of a sudden he will find a new love and leave me out to dry. So I just decided myself that's it's over and no matter if he comes back or not where not getting back together. But with that comes the realization that it's actually over and my heart just feels like it skips a beat everytime I say it..I'm virtually on the edge of crying now writing this. Falling in love is so wonderful and losing that is unreal.. I don't know how I am going to get over this,my pain is close to unbearable right now, my friends say my love is even more deep because no one forgets there first, and he was my first everything.. serious relationship, first and only partner sex wise, I experience a lot of things with him and only him and it hurts that it's over....

Four years is a long time to be with someone. You build a lot of memories, hopes and dreams with each other. Feeling sad and lonely and even a bit crazy is perfectly normal during a breakup. Do you have any friends you can stay with to get over the rough spots? I know when I'm really hurting it helps to sleep at someone's house so I don't have to go home to a lonely apartment.
I also write in my journal a lot and try to think of all the reasons my boyfriend really wasn't very good for me, all the things I needed that he just couldn't give me. That reinforces my decision to leave him. Have you ever tried making a list of all the things you didn't like about your bf? That might help you get over rough spots too.
Your first love is very intense and it can be very hard to get over. I lived with my first love for three years, from 18-20. When he left me I was devastated and felt like my world was ending. I cried every day for a long, long time. After he left me I got involved in a string of really unhealthy and miserable relationships. I finally managed to break free of them and finally heal, but it took me three long years! I am still friends with my first love, and all the pain of our relationship is just a thing of the past. It took a long, long time before that could happen though.
It sounds to me like you have made a good decision by realizing this relationship is over. There is nothing more damaging in my opinion than being led on or strung along. It just brings you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. You deserve better. You deserve someone who want to give himself to you fully, 100%
Please feel free to email me through my profile if you need some more support. I hope your day goes a little better, that you cry a little less than you did yesterday.
Hang in there...
I'm well aquainted with thinking about what happened over and over for hours. I'm lucky because I have a job where I have a lot of time to myself during the day. So for the last three days -- my breakup was on Sunday night -- I've done almost nothing but think about our relationship and where we went wrong and how I might do it differently.
Having no contact definitely makes breaking up easier, although in some ways it hurts more. I think it's like a really sharp pain that makes you feel like you're going to die but then it ends. Whereas seeing the guy occasionally, especially if you still have feelings for him, is sort of like a slow death with knitting needles. You can kind of stand the pain because it's not constant, but it just keeps coming back every time you see him. Better to cut it off completely and let yourself heal. Contemplate the possibility of friendship only after you are TOTALLY healed.
How do you know when you're totally healed? I think different people would answer that in different ways. For me it is knowing and feeling that the person wasn't right for me because of things that they did and said and being happy for them for the path they chose. Those are the only conditions under which I could be friends with someone afterwards.