My life is shattered
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| Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:53pm |
I'm having a horrible night. I have so many thoughts swimming through my mind right now I can't sleep. So I thought by writing it out might make me feel better.
As you can tell by my screen name I'm a guy. My ex and I have known each other for 7 years and dated 5-6 years. We were in a long distacne relationship for 4 years (broken up for 2 years during that time) and she recently returned and we decided to give it antoher try. After she returned we've been dating for 6 months. Things were going okay, than the whole marriage thing came up. She wanted an exact engagement date/ marriage date, but I could not give it to her. Don't get me wrong, I loved my ex more than anything in this world and she knows I would never cheat on her. I've always treated her with respect and was always their for her emotionally and physically. My argument was I DID want to marry her soon (she new that), but after she had been gone for 4 years I needed a little more time to get to know her again. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but all in all i treated her well. She also knew that I was committed to her and was not going anywhere. Was I wrong for wanting a little more time? Well she didn't understand that, and kept insisting that we get married and it got to the point where I felt forced to marry her. We would get into fights b/c of this.
Shortly after this marriage discussion she breaks up with me. And she blamed everything on me. But 5 DAYS after the break up I found out shes already started dating someone else. I can't believe shes arleady dating someone else. How could she have gotten over me so quickly after knowing e/o for 7 years. I don't undertand. I feel like the whole marriage argument was a scapegoat to break up so she can see this other guy. I also feel as though she emotinally cheated on me b/c I know she and the other guy were flirting before we broke up. after she broke up with me she also said she still loves me and that she does not know what's going to happen in the future. so she said she is leaving the door open. What the heck does that mean? i'm guessing that if it does not work out with this new guy she wants to come back. arrrrg!
I've always thought of myself as a very mentally strong person. I've always been able to work things out logically, and make sense of a situation. But now I feel this weird emptiness, like I've lost all direction. I feel as though life has just stopped and I dont know where it goes from this point on. Where does my life go from here? I never even imagined my life without her and 5 days after we broke up she's already found somebody else. I can understand how good it must feel when somebody is flirting with you, but if you truly love somebody I can't imagine acting on those feelings. So it makes me wonder did she ever TRULY love me? Was I just her emotional crutch for 7 years? Is love such a fickle emotion that you can fall out of it in a matter of days? If she stopped loving me than maybe she never loved me to begin with.
I find that all of our memories and dreams that we had together are now haunting me. It makes it very difficult to let go of the person. So how do you let go of a perosn that you truly loved? Acceptance of the situation and trying to get closure has not helped much. What I've realized is no explanation she could give would make me truly understand and give me closure. Instead it would probably raise more questions and cast more doubts upon myself and in her. So how will I ever get that closure? Perhaps once the pain and resentment has subsided I will find closure within myself. Right now I just don't know... I'm in tears, I'm mentally exhsauted and so confused.
ELC_GUY
Edited 5/14/2005 8:59 pm ET ET by elc_guy
Edited 5/14/2005 9:13 pm ET ET by elc_guy

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elc -
For one thing, it is a good thing you didn't propose to her. As they say, actions speak louder than words, and her actions scream that she was not ready to commit to marriage with you. Do you really want someone who can move on so fast after she was supposedly ready to marry you? No, I would hope not.
Another thought I had on your situation is that maybe she is trying another angle to get you to marry her. Maybe she is seeing this other guy so that you'll come running with a little black box in your hand on bended knee? If this is her tactic, it is rather immature.
I just came out of a similar situation after dating someone for six years. Only my ex married his new flame after only seven months of dating. They both have kids - five all together under the age of 17. Why would someone do something like that? If no kids were involved, that's understandable. But involve the lives of five kids on your whim marriage?
So, we may never know why the ones we love make the decisions they do, but in the end we must carry on with our lives. You made the right decision - you can't make anyone love you, and you don't want someone who doesn't. Something inside you was guiding you, telling you that something wasn't right - and your instinct was right.
No, if she really loved you, she wouldn't have been able to move on that quickly.
Sorry about this. I believe that you believe your life is shattered. It feels that way. There's no telling what drove her to jump right into a dating situation only days after the breakup. Could it be he was already on the backburner?
You wrote:
I've always thought of myself as a very mentally strong person. I've always been able to work things out logically, and make sense of a situation. But now I feel this weird emptiness, like I've lost all direction.
elc guy, don't kick yourself about this whole logical thing. It's so human to encounter a situation where logic just isn't quite cutting it. It's human. We're wired to have feelings that oftentimes defy logic. It's okay. Just go with it.
You must be in shock right now.
I'm sorry you went through a similar situation. You are right, we may never know why they made that decision to leave us for someone else. In my case, I think my ex made that decision b/c she is selfish, narcissistic, lacks character and integrity. She was tempted by someone else and acted on those feelings. By doing this, the pain she has caused me has been unbearable. I just don't uderstand how she could have done this to me. She was so cold to me, she treated me like I was a stranger when we broke up. If someone truly loves you and knows you are in a committed relationship, I can't picture them breaking up with you and moving on so quickly. So maybe she didn't love me as much as I thouhgt. Maybe I was blinded by my own love for her. I don't know, things just don't make sense right now.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
elc
popeyesgal
thanks for the kind words. i do agree that the ex had someone on the back burner. i think thats why she broke up with me out of no where. it's just so dissapointing that she did this. i don't know why she left me for someone else. like i said before, i really did treat her well.
You know i view marriage as a permanant thing and i didn't want to rush into anything. I also didn't want to lie to her so I told her the truth of wanting a little more time. do you guys think it was wrong of me to ask for a little more time before we get married?
You are right when you say:
"I think all of us ask ourselves what we coulda, woulda, shoulda done so our exes wouldn't have broken up with us."
I totally agree with this statement because this is what I'm going through right now. It is so hard to let go. I ask myself what did I do wrong to push her into someone else's arms. I'm not saying I was perfect in the relatinship because nobody is. But over all I was always there for her, I was sensitive to her emotional needs, I listned to her problems, I was affectionate, I was supportive, and most importantly I truly loved her. My ex and I are busy people, mainly with our careers and b/c of that I think it took some passion out of the relationship. I tried to bring some excitment back to the relatinshiop, but she was always too tired. I truly believe that part of the reason why she left me was b/c seeing somebody new was exciting and of course with any new relationship there's passion.
Arggg... this is so upsetting. She didn't have the energy or effort to put some passion into our relationship, but now she has all the energy in the world with the new guy. This really cuts me deep knowing that some other guy is holding her, kisssing her, and perhaps doing more if you know what I mean. AHHHHHHH!! How do I get that out of my mind. I'm so hurt... I can honestly say she has emotionally scared me for life. :(
Edited 5/16/2005 1:57 am ET ET by elc_guy
elc,
my hearts with you...
although i wasnt with my ex for 3 yrs short a decade like you - i (and everyone else here im sure) can relate to how you feel right now...
i dated my ex twice in two years, and although the timeline was much shorter than yours - he truly meant the world to me... i not only loved him, - i ADORED him... i loved how he cleaned his sink, i loved how he put together his new humidifier, and i loved how he kept little packages of kleenex in his car; i loved how his eyes sparkled when he looked at me, i loved how he touched my body with such awe, i loved how we conversed,... i loved EVERYTHING...even the things i didnt like about him - i still adored them nonetheless because it was HIM...
furthermore, not only did i adore him - but i also saw futures and futures with him... im in my early twenties and he's 6 years older than me; but even though i am sooo not the type of person who wants marriage anytime soon (im VERY independent and career driven) - i was nonetheless willing to compromise my "life schedule" to better accomodate his...
in sum, he meant more to me than i could ever describe in words - and i used to treasure with all my heart how much he adored me as well....in one month alone - we sent FIVE HUNDRED text messages to each other ...he used to message me all day - from work, from home, ..even from his bathtub! in fact, the last time i saw him was at his parents house for dinner...he was elated that i finally sat down and spent time with his folks... he was sooo sweet...
but, somewhere along the lines - things got complicated ...we broke up once last year, but easily found ourselves back together this year...however, after i brought up a conversation in february - something clicked in him and he said to me: "i cant convince myself that itll work in the end" - and so what does he do?? he MAKES it not work...
so that was two months ago...and now, im still trying soooo hard to pick up the pieces of the rubble hes left me... im trying so hard to stop thinking about him every day, to stop waking up and feel sad before my eyes open, ... to just be happy and truly move on ...
now, even though im no where near where id love to emotionally be right now ... i can tell you that im A LOT better than i was 8 weeks back... im emotionally a lot stronger, and physically - ive started sleeping and eating again ... although id love to feel whole again tomorrow - i know its impossible to suddenly let everything go...how could i possibly when he meant THAT much to me?? when we shared THAT much??
but on the contrary, my ex seems to have moved on with his life... and i dont know how he did it. we met about four weeks ago to "finalize" the breakup - and he was so calm about it .. he was so sure of what we had to do, and how he "now feels"...he said to me: "at first, my heart just wanted you - but my head said i shouldnt...and after recognizing that relationships shouldnt be feared, ive now aligned my feelings with my thoughts and im ok with letting you go." ... WTF??? how the hec did he go from adoring me - to suddenly, "ok with letting me go"?!?!? and when i asked him what his heart truly feels for me when he doesnt let the buzz of his head get in the way, he looked at me and said: "it feels right to be with you and you make me happy." ... do you have any idea how much he broke my heart then???
if you look at my old posts - youll see me ranting on and on and on about how i dont understand HOW and WHY im suddenly going through this breakup...it makes no sense to me at all... but i guess the kicker is that IT DOESNT MATTER...it JUST IS. and its sooo much easier to logically process that with our heads, but i know how hard it is to get our hearts to believe in that... but really, we JUST HAVE TO.
and yes, the memories haunt us - and if you go through all the threads, youll see that ive ranted on about that as well!! everywhere i turn - im reminded of him. i cant even find comfort in all the things i love because they remind me of him! it just aches to think back to how we were and how we're no longer are... it absolutely killed me last weekend when i suddenly had a flashback of the last time we shared popcorn together in the theatre...
and believe me too - i know how hard it is to imagine them with someone else. when my ex and i stopped contact last summer - he almost immediately started dating someone else... and it BROKE my heart and just amde me SICK to my stomach just thinking about him with her... i have no idea if hes dating right now, but let me tell you - i pray with ALL MY MIGHT that he isnt!! those arms used to be mine...that smile used to belong to me...and to think of his heart with someone else, - it makes me want to vomit!
i also know how it feels to want "closure." ..thats basically why i called him up for that "final meeting." but heres the thing, closure isnt obtained from THEM - rather, its something that must be achieved WITHIN US. closure comes with acceptance of the situation - irregardless of the why's and how's...
so, i can completely relate to what it is that youre feeling - and because of that, i know that there isnt much that anyone can say to make it feel better. youll hear plenty of "stop thinking about it," or "you deserve better," or "what doesnt kill you will make you stronger," etc etc... but no words really help when we're just that broken hearted... thus, the only thing i can offer you is my experience and maybe a few two cents on whats helped me ...
i find that distracting myself helps...whether it be excercising, hanging with friends, or even just watching tv...at least then we dont specifically sit and dwell in our misery. talking about it and venting definately helps...keep posting messages here - theres SO much support - its absolutely fantastic. furthermore, id highly recommend you keep a journal...i found that it REALLY helped me last year...id just write and write and write...id also suggest you employ no contact... as hard as it is - its absolutely vital in the moving on process...
lastly, as much as i HATE this saying when its said to me - but its true, "time heals all wounds." ... i know it means nothing now when youre just in the moment and in so much pain ... but really, its true... and youll see that its true 3 weeks from now, 3 months from now ...
best of luck,
(((HUGS)))
eeksj.
p.s. i hate to admit this, but its actually refreshing to see a guy "grieve." as im going through my own breakup right now - i cant help but think that my ex has just abruptly and so easily dropped me like bad cheese and even though i know how he adored me - its so easy to feel that hes just moved on and simply doesnt miss me and doesnt care and doesnt hurt... and thinking THAT - is painful... so being reminded that "guys" hurt too - is sadly comforting to me right now!!
eeksj-
Thanks for sharing your expeirences and thanks for the encouraging words. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a very difficult situation as well. After reading some of your previous posts, it looks like you made great progress in how you are handling the situation. Keep it up! I only hope I can be as strong and pick myself up and move on with my life.
I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I really hate that feeling. I'm also feeling kind of numb inside. I also started to think about something schnoodle24 said in a earlier post. She said,
"For one thing, it is a good thing you didn't propose to her. As they say, actions speak louder than words, and her actions scream that she was not ready to commit to marriage with you. Do you really want someone who can move on so fast after she was supposedly ready to marry you?"
"She probably did have this guy on the back burner, so evidently her whole heart wasn't yours."
I'm thinking it's true, I didn't have her whole heart, it's true that this guy was on the back burner. So if I didn't have her whole heart why did she push so hard for marriage? Was it b/c of her own insecurities? If her goal was to be with this guy, what would she have done if i proposed and set a wedding date? Would she had just found another excuse to break up with me?
Can you ladies be able to shed some light on the above questions?
Thank you
elc
Thanks heidi for your comments and thoughts. I'm really glad I came acroos this board b/c getting womens opinion on the matter has made a world of difference for me. When the ex and I broke up she literally took no responsibility in the break up. She blamed everything on me.... telling me that the break up is all my fault b/c I didn't want to marry her... and that this is something I'm going to regret and have to live with for the rest of my life... saying that I have no one to blame but myself. :( Hearing her say that was so hurtful, and b/c she didn't take any blame and just blamed me, i started to believe that it was my fault. How can she be so emotionally abusive?
If her true intentions was to be with this guy, why didn't she just tell me? It would have hurt really bad, but I feel that I deserve the truth instead of her blaming me for our failure. The sad thing is I think she lied to herself about the break up, and she started to believe her own lies by surrounding herself with people who support her thoughts (her friends are a bunch of yes man and woman, they always agree with her even if she is wrong... in my book these people are not real friends).
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