My life is shattered

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
My life is shattered
26
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:53pm

I'm having a horrible night. I have so many thoughts swimming through my mind right now I can't sleep. So I thought by writing it out might make me feel better.

As you can tell by my screen name I'm a guy. My ex and I have known each other for 7 years and dated 5-6 years. We were in a long distacne relationship for 4 years (broken up for 2 years during that time) and she recently returned and we decided to give it antoher try. After she returned we've been dating for 6 months. Things were going okay, than the whole marriage thing came up. She wanted an exact engagement date/ marriage date, but I could not give it to her. Don't get me wrong, I loved my ex more than anything in this world and she knows I would never cheat on her. I've always treated her with respect and was always their for her emotionally and physically. My argument was I DID want to marry her soon (she new that), but after she had been gone for 4 years I needed a little more time to get to know her again. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but all in all i treated her well. She also knew that I was committed to her and was not going anywhere. Was I wrong for wanting a little more time? Well she didn't understand that, and kept insisting that we get married and it got to the point where I felt forced to marry her. We would get into fights b/c of this.

Shortly after this marriage discussion she breaks up with me. And she blamed everything on me. But 5 DAYS after the break up I found out shes already started dating someone else. I can't believe shes arleady dating someone else. How could she have gotten over me so quickly after knowing e/o for 7 years. I don't undertand. I feel like the whole marriage argument was a scapegoat to break up so she can see this other guy. I also feel as though she emotinally cheated on me b/c I know she and the other guy were flirting before we broke up. after she broke up with me she also said she still loves me and that she does not know what's going to happen in the future. so she said she is leaving the door open. What the heck does that mean? i'm guessing that if it does not work out with this new guy she wants to come back. arrrrg!

I've always thought of myself as a very mentally strong person. I've always been able to work things out logically, and make sense of a situation. But now I feel this weird emptiness, like I've lost all direction. I feel as though life has just stopped and I dont know where it goes from this point on. Where does my life go from here? I never even imagined my life without her and 5 days after we broke up she's already found somebody else. I can understand how good it must feel when somebody is flirting with you, but if you truly love somebody I can't imagine acting on those feelings. So it makes me wonder did she ever TRULY love me? Was I just her emotional crutch for 7 years? Is love such a fickle emotion that you can fall out of it in a matter of days? If she stopped loving me than maybe she never loved me to begin with.

I find that all of our memories and dreams that we had together are now haunting me. It makes it very difficult to let go of the person. So how do you let go of a perosn that you truly loved? Acceptance of the situation and trying to get closure has not helped much. What I've realized is no explanation she could give would make me truly understand and give me closure. Instead it would probably raise more questions and cast more doubts upon myself and in her. So how will I ever get that closure? Perhaps once the pain and resentment has subsided I will find closure within myself. Right now I just don't know... I'm in tears, I'm mentally exhsauted and so confused.

ELC_GUY

Edited 5/14/2005 8:59 pm ET ET by elc_guy




Edited 5/14/2005 9:13 pm ET ET by elc_guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:14pm

I'm sorry about your recent breakup elc guy... it really does bite that she would blame the whole marriage proposal on the break but then start another relationship immediately. That is just wrong. And that is the exact clue that you should focus in on. She wasn't being completely upfront with her intentions. THAT in itself will help you relieve your guilt for this. Hold on to that!!

That part of your story hit home with me, because while I was dating this guy, I was having serious doubts about the whole thing. I wasn't feeling any connection, and wasn't really over my recent ex, and just not in love, but the guy was really sweet and nice to me. He would get angry and confused because I became distant and petty fights would start. When I tried to break things off, it was so hard to explain why, because I knew if I said "it's because you fight too much, or you said this, or you didn't do this right, it would eat at him that "if only he had done something differently". He still didn't understand or believe me when I said it was nothing he did, it was me and I just wasn't feeling it, or i had lingering (ex feelings). So it was selfish of her to take the easy way and blame you. (I think anyway).

I'm thinking maybe after getting back together, that her feelings had just changed. She didn't handle it very well at all in retrospect. I wish everybody had a manual for "how to breakup honorably" and "how to heal after someone breaks your heart" you know, the do's and don'ts that we stress here.
Anyway , best of luck with your healing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:37am

lilgrace76
Thanks for your words. It's really nice to know that you took out the time to read my ramblings. I can't express how much I've appreciated everbodys advice and comments during this time of need. After reading your experience, I think it's great that you were able to recognize that there was something wrong, but yet you didn't blame him. That shows a lot of character b/c like you said, it's real easy just to blame the other person.

I'm saddened by the fact that I was so devoted to us, and to her and how she could be so selfish and narcissistic. It hurts to know that nothing that I have done in the past matters to her. It hurts to know that she is now focused on a new relationship while I sit here trying to put my life together. It hurts to know that she has already moved on and probably hasn't grieved that she lost me. I feel so miserable and lonely. I want to move on, but my heart won't let me. PLEASE just give me the strength to make it through the day tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:18am
Here is your strength- you ARE going to make it through the day. You are going to get up, take a shower, cry it out if you have to. YOu are going to make or buy something to eat. You are going to see or call a friend or family member. You are going to go to work or school- or the gym or hiking. You are going to make it through the day. You are going to do the basics until eventually the basics are no longer enough, and on that day you will find a bit of happiness again. For now, you are going to just make it through the day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:50am

Thank you for the strength popeyesgal. I made it through the day on wed, but unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together, which ruined my day today. It felt so real, I was so happy until I woke up. When I woke up I was so sad. I cried and went to work, but it was not a productive day. Throughout the day I had these weird panic attacks,for no reason. Out of the blue my stomach will be in knots and I start to sweat.

Why did i dream about us getting back together? I've lost all trust in her after this break up and I know even if we tried getting back together it wouldn't work. Why am I so sad? My happiness shouldn't revolve around person... especailly a person who has emotially cheated on me and lied to me. It makes sense in the head, but my heart still aches for her. Sigh... life seems so unfair right now. Maybe it's true... nice guys to finish last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 8:37am

Sorry to hear about your day. Let yourself grieve.

About nice guys finishing last. Well, one of the reasons I fell so hard for my latest flame was because he was a "nice guy" and I was sick and tired of being played by the don juans. I was ready for a "regular nice" guy who would treat me well and who hadn't slept around with half of the city. He was a far departure from my past men- he was balding, slightly overweight, wore glasses, unathletic, VERY inexperienced with women (barely one girlfriend at age 30), very intelligent and resourceful and liked by pretty much everybody, especially older people. So, he was one of those "nice" guys you speak of. Guess what? I've been hurt more by him than I have been in years. The nice guy didn't finish last here. He got a beautiful, educated and successful woman who wants to have a family and kids one day- that's me. He got someone who fell for him because she loved who he was on the inside. This nice guy finished far from last- it's me who has finished last and for no other reason except I trusted someone because I believed in that stupid stereotype that "nice" guys don't go around hurting women the way the jerks do. It was a rude awakening for me. So, nice guys don't finish last all the time. Sometimes it's the nice women who do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:51pm

hi,

I wish I would have seen this post earlier, but you went through exactly what I'm going through. I dated my used to be ex but now bf for 5 yrs. He cheated and we broke up for a year. That year was a tough time for all parties involved. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster and couldn't get off. he called me about two a week ago, telling me how much he missed me etc. So, I decided to swallow my pride and tell him how i felt. I told him to get rid of the luggage, committ, and give me a ring. He told me that he couldn't do that right now, that he needed some time. I told him, fine, take all the time you want but I wouldn't be here waiting around for him to make up his mind. he called on Tuesday morning to tell me that he was ready to committ, and that he had gotten rid of his luggage but that he felt that we needed more time together before he would give me a ring.

Like your ex, I felt that we had been together long enough and if he didn't know by now, he would never know... But reading your post, I have a much better understanding of where he's coming from. I mean aterall we did spend a year away from each other, and I've made tremendous leaps and bounds as far as growing up and maturing and he's done the same. So, I won't push for the ring, b/c I don't want him to feel pressured, nor do I want to be pressured by him. One step at a time - you know?

From your post, you sincerely sound like you truly loved and wanted to marry her, but I think she feels that she's waited long enough so what's the hold up. As for this other guy, she's clearly moved on (that doesn't mean that she loves you no more or less, she's just tired of waiting around) and she probably fears that you might not ever be ready, so she's found someone else.

No, I don't think you were wrong for wanting more time. In fact, I think that it you made a very wise decision. I'm just sorry she couldn't/didn't see it like that...

I don't think the marriage talk was an escape goat for her to cheat on you, I simply think she thinks that you'll never be ready, so why wait! I wouldn't be too quick to believe that she's over you. 7 yrs is a really long time to spend w/someone. You guys have weathered storms and seen rainbows, trust me whether she admits it or not she's going to always think of you.

As for the emotional infedility, there's really nothing you can do/change that, it happenend so now its time to move on with YOUR life.

You stated that "I feel as though life has just stopped and I dont know where it goes from this point on. Where does my life go from here?' Well, what did you do in those 2 yrs that you guys were seperated? You can go on w/out her! I know how you must feel trying to discover new ways to live why she's in her comfort zone but trust me time heals all wounds.

"So it makes me wonder did she ever TRULY love me?"
You will never know if she TRULY loved you or not. The best thing that you could do is cherish what you had and be thankful that you had the experience.

"Was I just her emotional crutch for 7 years?"
No, I don't think you were her emotional crutch. You were a loving, caring and supportive partner to her for 7 yrs. Nothing's wrong w/that!

"Is love such a fickle emotion that you can fall out of it in a matter of days? If she stopped loving me than maybe she never loved me to begin with."
It all depends on how that person defines love. Love has alot of different meaning and and means alot of different things to many people. All you can do, is take pride and have comfort in knowing that you loved her the best way you knew how.

"So how do you let go of a person that you truly loved?"
Now this is tough one.. Unfortunately, there's no recipe or secret potion to get over someone. There are a few things that you can do though... For example, take 10 mins out of your day to vent about her, whatever you feel whether its love, hate, or sorrow, after those 10 mins are up take a deep breath and go on w/the rest of your day. You could also try the stop technique, where if you find yourself thinking about her immediately tell yourself STOP then start thinking about something or doing something else. You could also use note cards, and this is to help you fight the urge of calling her. On the note cards, write down everytime she disappointed, and everytime she said something mean to you. The point is to reaffirm your feelings of why its best that the relationship is over. last but not least, post on this board! it helps being able to get your feelings out and have people that can relate to you.

Which technique worked for me... A combination of all those mentioned above. I struggled w/my feelings for over a year. So much so, that everyone around me got tired of hearing about it. We all have to come to grips w/a breakup in our own way on our own terms. Its easy for someone to give advice, but ultimately the decision is up to us to follow!

I feel awful that you're going through this but I do know that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Get out, enjoy yourself w/friends,family, hobby and before you know it 6 mths would have went past and you'll be thinking to yourself- where has the time gone.

Good luck and keep us posted.

E.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:14pm
Hi ELC - I'm so sorry for your pain, and I can soo relate. Mine is 10 days old, no contact at all, and I'm in the worst pain of my life. Everything is a chore, from waking up and getting out of bed to driving to work, it just feels like I'm going through the motions. And when I get to work and see he hasn't emailed I feel crushed and sit at my desk and cry! Which is not a pretty sight as my office is near the door but I don't even care anymore if people see me crying. Everyone keeps saying IT WILL GET BETTER, but if you're like me it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you strength and please keep posting, I know I will, this board is great for lots of e'hugs... take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:56pm

Thanks for sharing your experience + thanks for the great advice. I feel my experience was a little different from yours. You mentioned that you and your bf were broken up for 1 year. My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for 4 years. We were physically apart for 4 years and during that time we drifted. Because we drifted apart from each other I needed a little more time to adjust back to each other. I honestly don't think asking for more time was wrong of me considering the circumstances. She knew I was committed to her, she knew I was going to marry her and would have never cheated on her. Just because my time schedule was not the same as hers that does not mean she should break up with me... for me that just shows her selfishness and imaturity. When you are in a committed relatioship both sides need to compromise and she didn't. On top of that she emotioanlly cheated on me, which is wrong.

I'm sorry, but I must disagree with you when you say "I don't think the marriage talk was an scape goat for her to cheat on you." First off a person shouldn't cheat in the first place. Second I think there is something wrong when a person who wanted to marry you suddenly dates someone 5 days after we break up. I can't pin point it, but something does not add up there.




Edited 5/20/2005 4:19 pm ET ET by elc_guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:03pm
Hi ka1964
Thanks for your support. I sorry you are going through a break up as well. I think there is only so much we can do and I hate to say this... but only time will heal us. The only thing we can do is go on with our lives and make the best of it. Hopefully one day we will feel whole again. hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:26pm
It's been nearly 2 1/2 months of no contact, but why do I still feel so horrible? This past weekend I've had dreams about us getting back together. Why am I having these dreams? I feel like these dreams have set me back. Why can't I let go?