My life is shattered

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
My life is shattered
26
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:53pm

I'm having a horrible night. I have so many thoughts swimming through my mind right now I can't sleep. So I thought by writing it out might make me feel better.

As you can tell by my screen name I'm a guy. My ex and I have known each other for 7 years and dated 5-6 years. We were in a long distacne relationship for 4 years (broken up for 2 years during that time) and she recently returned and we decided to give it antoher try. After she returned we've been dating for 6 months. Things were going okay, than the whole marriage thing came up. She wanted an exact engagement date/ marriage date, but I could not give it to her. Don't get me wrong, I loved my ex more than anything in this world and she knows I would never cheat on her. I've always treated her with respect and was always their for her emotionally and physically. My argument was I DID want to marry her soon (she new that), but after she had been gone for 4 years I needed a little more time to get to know her again. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but all in all i treated her well. She also knew that I was committed to her and was not going anywhere. Was I wrong for wanting a little more time? Well she didn't understand that, and kept insisting that we get married and it got to the point where I felt forced to marry her. We would get into fights b/c of this.

Shortly after this marriage discussion she breaks up with me. And she blamed everything on me. But 5 DAYS after the break up I found out shes already started dating someone else. I can't believe shes arleady dating someone else. How could she have gotten over me so quickly after knowing e/o for 7 years. I don't undertand. I feel like the whole marriage argument was a scapegoat to break up so she can see this other guy. I also feel as though she emotinally cheated on me b/c I know she and the other guy were flirting before we broke up. after she broke up with me she also said she still loves me and that she does not know what's going to happen in the future. so she said she is leaving the door open. What the heck does that mean? i'm guessing that if it does not work out with this new guy she wants to come back. arrrrg!

I've always thought of myself as a very mentally strong person. I've always been able to work things out logically, and make sense of a situation. But now I feel this weird emptiness, like I've lost all direction. I feel as though life has just stopped and I dont know where it goes from this point on. Where does my life go from here? I never even imagined my life without her and 5 days after we broke up she's already found somebody else. I can understand how good it must feel when somebody is flirting with you, but if you truly love somebody I can't imagine acting on those feelings. So it makes me wonder did she ever TRULY love me? Was I just her emotional crutch for 7 years? Is love such a fickle emotion that you can fall out of it in a matter of days? If she stopped loving me than maybe she never loved me to begin with.

I find that all of our memories and dreams that we had together are now haunting me. It makes it very difficult to let go of the person. So how do you let go of a perosn that you truly loved? Acceptance of the situation and trying to get closure has not helped much. What I've realized is no explanation she could give would make me truly understand and give me closure. Instead it would probably raise more questions and cast more doubts upon myself and in her. So how will I ever get that closure? Perhaps once the pain and resentment has subsided I will find closure within myself. Right now I just don't know... I'm in tears, I'm mentally exhsauted and so confused.

ELC_GUY

Edited 5/14/2005 8:59 pm ET ET by elc_guy




Edited 5/14/2005 9:13 pm ET ET by elc_guy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:00pm

I think its natural to have ups and downs. One week I'll be feeling great, and then all of the sudden I get that sick feeling in my gut and start to panic. I've had the dreams too - getting back together, or worse yet, that he is with someone else. Its just the minds way of trying to sort through things.

I'm about at the same place you are - 2 1/2 months, and last week was the worst week in over a month. Probably because he called and left me a voicemail.

I don't know when it will happen for either of us, but we just have to trust in all the others' advice and experience when they say it will get better.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 7:01pm

Have you heard the saying, "it's always darkest before the dawn"? I think that may apply here. In my experience, having dreams about my ex has almost always indicated that I'm almost over the worst of the breakup. It's your subconscience letting go and pushing towards acceptance. Stay strong on no contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:46pm

I totally feel the same way purpleshoes2005. Out of nowhere I get that sick panicky feeling also. The sad thing is I know my ex is already with someone, which makes getting over her a million times harder. Right now, I feel like it’s the first day all over again after we broke up. They say it takes half the time you were together for you to get over the ex… in my case it was 7 years so I hope it does not take me 3 ½ years to get over her.

Hang in there and keep up with the N/C. I prey that one day we will all be able to m ove on with our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:21pm

I hope you are right when you say: "it's always darkest before the dawn"? It just seems like after having my dreams I've taking 3 steps backwards instead of forward. Lately it seems like the mistakes that I made in the past seem to be magnified. I don't intentionally do this, but my mind just wanders and thinks about the mistakes... than I start to feel guilty and I start blaming myself... and think maybe she's right. Even though I have accepted the break up, the way we broke up does not sit well with me. Is it true that we will never forget, but rather we have to learn to live with the break up? Right now I can't forget or live with it.

Last night before I went to bed, it hit me that for the past 7 years I really havn't thought about what makes me happy. Instead I used a lot of my energy and efforts worrying about her happiness. I really don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I'm doing well with the no contact. I have not had any urge to call her mainly b/c I don't want to hear how great her life is now with the new guy :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:38pm
Oh my gosh! I'm having the same emotions! I keep magnifying all my mistakes and thinking "NO WONDER HE BROKE UP WITH ME, I'M SUCH A MORON!". And it's killing me even more inside. I want to call him and promise him I can do better. That almost sounds like a child begging for forgiveness. I guess we just need to stop the cycle of thinking about those mistakes. We made them but I'm sure they made their share too. It takes two to tango right. My relationship was 5 yrs. and it's been over for two weeks and I can hardly function. When does the pain stop!!!! I wish you healing elc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 5:25pm
I did the same thing the first time we broke up - if only I hadn't done this, if I had done something differently, etc. Its very self defeating, and it wouldn't have mattered. The second time we dated I didn't do any of the things I thought might have caused the breakup and we got along great. But he dumped me anyway. He told me that it had nothing to do with me, that he just had a "wandering eye." Ugh. I told him (and I truly believe this) that it ISN'T me. I am still hurt and upset, but at least I'm not beating myself up for it. I hope you can at least get to that point and stop blaming yourselves.

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