My long sad story. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
My long sad story. :(
8
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:04pm

Wow, I just went through a break up and have been really lonely and desperate to talk to anyone about it, am very thankful to have found this message board. I guess we all know too well what it feels like. :(

I went through a divorce last year, which although hard enough in itself, was a mostly mutual decision and a long time coming, so I got through it okay. During this time, I got to be really good friends with a guy at work who was going through similar things and a breakup with his girlfriend, and we were there for each other, he was someone who knew what I was going through and who I could tell anything to.

He is a really good person, and we connected on many levels, so even though I knew the timing was all wrong, I found myself falling in love. There were some clues that he was feeling something too, so I confessed my feelings one day, and it turned out he felt the same.

We were really happy for a while, about 5 months. This is someone I could see myself making a permanent bond with, and he told me the same thing.

But, things started changing with him subtlely, which I brought up a few times. Like he always used to text me first thing in the morning, tell me real lovey-dovey awesome things, do really sweet things out of the blue... not so much anymore. We had several discussions about this, because I was thinking either he got into something that he didn't think turned out like he thought it would, which he adamantly denied, or else we were just kind of settling in, and he knew he didn't have to work quite as hard as impressing me.

He knew this had been bothering me, and he told me that he just kept replaying everything and trying to figure out what had changed in him, because it upset him as well. But I thought we were working things out, we celebrated valentines last Tuesday (crazy work/school schedules) and things were really good. I was very happy. Then the next night, valentines itself, he started texting me about us. And how he used to ask me before we got together if I was okay, if I needed any time for myself. And how he was really asking himself also, because now he doesn't think he put everything behind him, and everything is very confusing to him.

Sigh. I was so devastated. I still am. :( I gave him a few days, which were absolute hell, and texted him Monday night to see what he wanted to do. He says he still loves me, but he's not right, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and it's not fair to me to be in a realationship with me right now if he doesn't even know who he is. Ugh. I can't even look at what I just typed without getting choked up. :( And he wants to try to be friends through this, until he's sure of himself. I told him it's not like some switch, I can't love you one second, and then the next just try to pretend I'm just your friend. And who knows when he's going to feel better? Months? Years? We ended on an okay note. I just don't know though.

So now half of me is so angry that he could do this, say he doesn't know. Hurt me like he has. And the other half is so sad and misses him so much. Work is a consolation because it helps to keep my mind off. Which, thankfully, I work there full time, but he's only there two days part time, and in a different department. But we'll both be there tomorrow. Not sure how that will go. :(

Just had to get my little story out. I'm tired of crying at stupid love songs on the radio, fighting back tears that come at the drop of the hat, crying myself to sleep, still looking at my phone constantly to see if he just happened to text me, and still being horribly disappointed everytime when he hasn't. I just want to fix what's wrong, and I can't, and I feel so helpless. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 4:34pm

Hi shrinkingviolet and welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:16pm

Yeah, I know it was rather long, lol, but it felt good to get off my chest. Thank you for replying. :)

Today I saw him at work, and that was... very weird. I wasn't sure of what to say, because I figured he should make the first move since he wanted the space. And he didn't really say anything either. Broke my heart a little again, and I got a little teary eyed as I walked away, but he didn't see, so that's all that was important to me really. Must not crack. :)

I saw him later and we talked a little, I asked him if he really wanted to be friends, or not, since him not saying hello confused me. Apparently he thought I didn't want to talk to him either. And he still wants to know if I'm okay. So. I don't know. I see a lot of posts about "NC," which I'm assuming is "no calling." I think. Which I don't think I would be capable of at this point, lol, but I can see the value. I'm working up to that, I hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:53pm
Hi again, NC is 'no contact' - no calls, no hooking up, no talking, no emails, no texting....you will get there when you are ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:38am

I went through a divorce last year, which although hard enough in itself, was a mostly mutual decision and a long time coming, so I got through it okay. During this time, I got to be really good friends with a guy at work who was going through similar things and a breakup with his girlfriend, and we were there for each other, he was someone who knew what I was going through and who I could tell anything to.

<<<<<>>>>

He is a really good person, and we connected on many levels, so even though I knew the timing was all wrong, I found myself falling in love.
<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Unlike you an unplanned pregnancy led to us breaking up. He could not forgive me for ending the pregnancy and I could not carry the guilt for both of us.

What you are going through sounds like the normal stages of grief. :). My advice to you is this:

1. NO CONTACT.....I wish that I had listned to that sooner rather than later. I find myself healing sooner

2. DO STUFF...I hang with my girlfriends, go to dance classes, hang with my kids even if I don't want to..it ALWAYS makes things better

3. VISIT THIS BOARD...read other people's problems it helps

4. DELETE...phne numbers, tms. emails

5. DON"T BE AFRAID to date again...just start slow and no sex...limit contact between dates....find someone not going through what you are going through

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:44pm

I can't even tell you how similar our stories are...I haven't put my story up yet but I felt like I just read it....

Last February I was three months away from getting married to the father of my baby and things were miserable. One of the guys I worked with who I had been friends with forever was always there to listen to me talking about calling the wedding off and always needing to vent. finally I called of the wedding and found out that my work friend, Keith was leaving his wife....he had been talking about this for a long time. We decided to get a place together since we were such good fiends. Everything was going so well, then we both fell in love. Our summer/fall was so amazing. I missed have full custody of my son (we have 50/50) and he missed his kids but we had each other when our children were with the other parent. Keith's son starting having a lot of trouble with the divorce and Keith got very depressed. He is also starting a business and is very busy. Things got so bad that for about 3 months we were only seeing each other once a week or so. Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, all went well. Then last night he left a note on my refrigerator. He had to find himself and he couldn't be a part of my life when he couldn't figure his out. I am so devistated. I don't know how to go on. I moved away from home a few years ago and lost all of my friends when I split from my sons father because they were all his friends. Keith is all I have. We have talked a bit and he said in a couple of days he wants to come and really talk with me. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't live without him. I need this man in my life. My son was here today, cuz I had the day off of work and was asking for Keith. My son is 2. It broke my heart and he didn't understand why mommy kept crying. I can't wait until we get the chance to talk. I know I shouldn't but I am goin to try and change his mind. I feel like my world is crashing in around me.

I just had to share that because our situations are so alike. Maybe we can find comfort in each other and help. I know I was so grateful to find this website. It's nice to know that i'm not alone. my email in Nik8fan@yaoo.com is you ever want to talk.

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:04am

It's good to know there are so many who unfortunately have gone through this before me, really helps somehow, thanks to everyone for all the support and caring and good ideas. :)

Going to update, probably going to be long again, but even if no one reads this, it feels good to get it out, lol.

We exchanged a few emails back and forth, the last one I sent Friday morning, which was mostly about how I thought we should sit down and talk in about month about how things are progressing and how he's feeling about things, when we have a little distance. Haven't heard back from him, which I'm trying to take the good advice from this board and have no expectation about getting a reply. Hard, but I haven't yet sent him another email asking him why I haven't heard back, lol, so I guess I'm doing okay with that.

I did see him at work on Sunday, I had brought a cd he had loaned me to give back (the last thing I need is a reason 6 months from now if it doens't work out to try and talk to him) but he was busy when I tried to go give it to him, so we just said hi. I've been doing good at pulling myself together... he didn't look so good. Very worn down. A lot worse than he did Thursday. Didn't know what to make of that, if he was feeling bad about us, or what.

Anyway, I went on break to Starbucks. Sent him a text message from there only telling him I left the cd in his coat pocket. He replied back to thank me, said he was having a bad day, forgot his bottle of water at home, etc. So I got him some water since I was literally in line anyway, gave it to him at work. He was talking to some other people, so he just said thanks and I walked off.

He sent a text saying he really appreciated the water, I got busy for a few hours, but responded back later on and asked if he was doing okay. He said he was just very tired, and thanked me for the water *again.* I just said it wasn't a problem and for him to take care of himself, and he said for me to do the same.

Sigh. I don't know what to think at all about anything. If I should be inferring anything from his actions. If anyone's read this far, lol, and you have opinions, let me know. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:12pm
i wish I could say something to you other than, I know how you feel. So hopefully thats supportive. It all just seems so silly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:08pm

Yeah, I keep thinking how stupid all this is myself. When will he realize it? Will he ever? Argh. I guess I've also always been a very decisive person myself. Most things are very black and white and I know right away how I feel. There is no, "well, I need to figure some things out, so I really can't say what the future is" for me. Ugh.

Still didn't hear from him today. I really, really, really struggled and almost texted him, but I perservered! Talking to him is almost like crack. I know it's not good and I shouldn't, but oh my gosh, it's so hard to stay away. Trying to remember that chasing him will probably just drive him away. Must... stay... strong.