My LONG story...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
My LONG story...please help!
6
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:43am

I just broke up with my live-in boyfriend of exactly 1 yr (yes, we broke up on our 1 yr anniversary). We have actually been off and on for a little over 4 years. This was the 4th time we entered into a relationship and it's ended in a breakup...and I am finally done. He always starts strong and ends weak. The guy is full of "patterns"...1st time we broke up in 4 months, 2nd time in 6 months, 3rd time in 8 months...and this last time was 1 yr to the day. Different reasons but some were always the same. He says we are each on different pages in life and and he doesn't see us ever getting past our conflicts....but then he usually comes back within 6-8 months saying that he was stupid and that he realizes he will never find anyone like me, that he still loves me and that he now realizes that there is nothing that we can't get past.

I already got married young (I was 19) and I ended it at 25....I just turned 30 yrs old and I want to start fresh..but I need closure...I need to know from random strangers out there to tell me if I was over-reacting, if my feelings are valid and that I wasn't such a bad girlfriend. Here is my story...please read and please be honest with me. My friends love me and have been so supportive but I need neutral 3rd parties to give their thoughts...your thoughts! Thank you in advance for reading this and taking the time to let me know what you think...men and women are welcome...I would love to hear both sides.

So I met my boyfriend about 6 months after my divorce...I was 25 and I was ready for a relationship and was completely over my ex-husband (was over with him for over 1 yr before I left him). I became friends with my ex-boyfriend and we were great friends...then I fell in love. He lived at his mom's and was driving her old truck and didn't have a lot..but I never cared about anything like that and ended up head over heels for him..but not at first. He admitted his love for me...and I realized my love for him about 2 months later after him constantly showing me how much he cared. He was the funniest guy I've ever met, we became so close and such good friends and we had the best time together...I had more fun with him then anyone in my entire life! That was something I never had with my ex-husband...I was on cloud nine! Well...within 4 months of ups and downs...he broke it off..saying he wasn't ready for a relationship and that we are not compatible. I was so heartbroken...we decided to stay friends...we were great companions...but I was naive at that time and didnt know how much "being friends" sets you back and how much it prevents you from moving on. Well....we never let go and got back together 6 months later...it was friendship after the breakup to slowly turning back into a couple...we never really talked much about it...we just became a couple again for the 2nd time.

2nd time around...still having a great time...lots of love but the same things were happening like the 1st time. It starts off with lots of calls, lots of time together and great sex. I loved this man with everything I had...I showered this guy with gifts, offered to help him with whatever he needed to help him get on his feet(pay for old tickets to get his license back, help him with car repairs so he could stop using his mom's old truck..etc) just to see him happy because I loved him so much. He went through stages of withdrawl because he didn't feel good enough for me. He was almost 27 and living with him mom giving her a little bit of rent and didnt even own a car...her I was with a good job, completely supported myself and lived on my own, I had a car, fed myself and paid for my own bills with no help from anyone. I was trying to make life better for him so he could be happy but it back-fired on me and made him feel worse. He ended leaving again because he had to get himself out of his own funk and get his life together because he wasn't happy. If he wasn't happy with himself..he couldn't be happy with me so he had to leave..but would love to stay friends. Once again..I tried to understand but took sometime to myself and became friends with him again about 2 weeks later...still devistated and still feeling like I can't live without him...and still not ever being able to really move on...I dated but my heart was never in it. 6 months later.....he broke down and said the same old "I love you, can't find anyone like you...we can get through everything" speach....of course I came back.

3rd time....5 months into the relationship this time he said "why dont we move in together"...I was so happy I could barely belive my ears. So he moved in with me and my sister who I was roomateing with at the time. Things didnt go that well though. He never understood that after work..you should come home and help out your girlfriend. I ended up doing all the laundry, cooking, cleaning....and he just came home about 8-10pm everynight...and he got off work at 6pm. He always helped family and friends or just hung out late...while i worked and came home and catered to him. Well...3 months into living together...he bounced again. He said he didnt realize what he got himself into...he couldn't handle it. I got another break up speech about how I deserve someone that is going to come home and be a good boyfriend/husband and that he just can't be THAT GUY! This time...I said FINE! But we can't be friends. He packed his stuff and left to go back to live with his father this time. I was devestated! I thought when he moved in it was the begining of the rest of our lives...he finally realized how good I was for him and his son (yes, he has one son). I loved his family, his child....I didnt know how I was going to handle life without him. 2 1/2 months later...we became friends AGAIN! I am so weak....I swear. But...this time I stayed single and he ended up moving to Arizona 4 months later to go live with his brother to go "make a better life for himself"....he said there was too many distractions here in california and he had to get away to get it together. He left me, his son and his family and friends...he was a graphic designer here..but ended up working at Safeway being a stocker/cashier down there. Not that I looked down on him...that is a respectful job..but I lost a lot of respect for him...he left his son..how can a father do that? Why couldnt he stay and make a better life here?We remained friends..but I did my own thing...but I did visit him twice in Arizona.

THis is the story the 4th and last time! He called from Arizona after 6 months of living there to tell me that being away from me this long has made him realize that he wants me in his future...that he can finally say that we can get through anything and that I have been the only one who has ever loved him and that he loved more then anyone else....he wanted to move up here and make a life with me. I told him this was it...are you serious? I told him I dont know if I could handle another break up. He said to trust him...and stupid me, I did.

I got a 2 bedroom condo to rent for us....he came back and helped me move from my old place into our new place....I was happy but still a little cautious. He didnt have a job yet but I had faith that he would. So in a month and a half, he got a job but he said it was tempporary because he would be a contract worker and it wasn't full time. I was ok with that. He was being wonderful! He came home right after work instead of hanging out with his friend and family, he cooked, he cleaned...I felt like for the first time I was his number one priority...I finally have a healthy relationship with this guy. His son loved comeing over...we were a family. Then 6 months into it, his car just broke down with no hope of working again...he credit is bad and mine was great...so I brought a truck so he could have a good vehicle to drive to go to work, pick up his son...whatever...it fine. I was so happy to help him. Now we can take his son's dirt bike on his weekends that he had him so we can take him to ride it (his mom never took him out to ride it)...we went camping, offroading...and we wanted ATV's and more bikes so this truck was a great start. Things got tight with money and I told him that I was working at least 40 hours a week and I needed him to get a full time job or get a 2nd job to suppliment the income...the truck took so much gas that our gas bills were $500! I got a credit card so he would have it if he needed something since he handed over every check..but he used it way too much and before I knew it it was maxed out! I needed $2100 a month from him....that was just to cover his half of the bills....but I only got between $1300-$1600 on average...everytime I asked him to please step it up and help by trying to make more money......he said he would but never did. oh...and he complained that i never helped around the house enough...I said I'll work part time and come home and cook and clean everyday if he could work full time and bring home what I bring home..but he just had this blank face when I came back at with that answer. I know I must have insulted his manhood but I couldnt get a 2nd job..why should I? I worked 40 or more hours already a week and I brought home 3000 a month...I was covering his bills and I had to use my credit to pay for food and other things that he couldn't cover!

Then about a month ago...we were suppose to go camping and leave on saturday morning. Long story short, friday night he said he wanted to leave that night instead of in the morning...I said I had a migrane and I was going to bed. He showed up at home 2 HOURS LATER, WOKE ME UP OUT OF SLEEP at 11pm with his friends outside our condo saying.."lets go"....long story short...he left without me. If he couldn't go because he didnt feel good..I would have never brought my friends over and tried to make him go...i would have said" sorry my friends, we still are going tomorrow...my baby doesn't feel good!" He wanted me to come up the next day but I was not going to go after he just left when I wasn't feeling good...I was mad and felt like crap. I didnt want to be with him. He just stayed there the whole weekend but when he came back...all he could say was..."no one is going to cater to you just because you had a migrane". The selfishness continued....one night he called me at 11pm and said he would be back later...but when I woke up the next morning...he wasn't in bed so I got in my car went looking for him...never found him but I called him and he acted like he was fine and what was the big deal....he never even came home until late that night! I felt we were going downwards again. We went camping on 4th of July, I got burned but didnt complain...but he got in my face and told me "I wish you would wear sunscreen because when you get burned, you get miserable and then you make me miserable!"...never mind that I'm burned jerk! I haven't even complained about it! The last month, we stoped having as much sex as we used to...I went into the history on his computer and saw that he was looking at the same 20 porn sites everyday! I felt so ugly and sick....I was willing to have sex everyday, why does he not want me? Finally...last sunday and monday he never came home until 11pm and never called me....on tuesday it was out 1 yr anniversary and he came home at 10pm, said hi with no kiss "hello" and went straight for the shower...I had a feeling things were about get really bad. I confronted him and he said he felt that I never helped around the house, I let myself go and that was unmotivating to him and that he doesn't see us getting past out conflicts. i offered free couple counseling to save this relationship I deperately wanted so much...he said "I guess I owe you that much"....i said forget it....I'll save you a few days to think about things and I'll make it easy...I told him "get your stuff and leave...it's over!". I had enough....I have bent over backwards to make him feel loved, wanted....I went into $15,000 debt to help him pay for old tickets, pay for his son's clothes and shoes, I covered his part of the bills.....and I got him a truck to drive....I counldnt do anything else....I'm done, You should have seen how mad he was when he asked if he could come back the next day to pick up his stuff and I said "no, pack the truck and I will drop you off at your dad's house"...he said it was his truck...I said no, its under my name and my credit....I took his cell phone that was under my cell phone plan...and i didnt let him have a dresser that I bought to keep his clothes in...he seemed more pissed about me taking everything away then the fact that our relationship was over. He said, "I traded in my car for that truck"...they only gave us $400 for his car THAT WASN'T EVEN WORKING ANYMORE!....Then he said, What about the fact that I have given you all my checks for a year....I told him that that was to LIVE! That was to pay for half of his bills. He said "it doesn't surprise me that your acting this way!"...WHAT! NOW I'M SELFISH! Jerk! He put everything he owned in the truck and I drove him 30 miles to his dad's and let him take all his stuff out....he said "why can't you be civil!"...i said I was being civil! If I wasn't..i would have thrown his stuff out the door and had him walk to a payphone so someone can pick him up!

So now I live by myself again....I got a truck to sell...$15,000 of debt I'll probably never get a dime from him for...and I have to deal with yet again, grief for the loose of my dreams that were attached to him. I have to come home to an empty condo with this void that no one else can fill. I'm not devistated like the other times...I just feel used and kicked in stomach...I feel tired...but relieved at the same time.

Now...what do you all think about all this? I know I was stupid to go back so many times..but I really, truely loved this man with my whole heart and soul....I wanted a life with this man and with his son...I wanted add to our little family and live happily ever after....oh well. I think he is selfish, immature and he doesn't deserve me....he's 31 and he's back on his father's couch with no vehicle so no way to make money, he gave up his privacy he had...his son no longer had his own bed in his own room...he has nothing....and a part of me feels like I took it all away. My friends say I did more then anyone would ever do for him. He thought his family would help him refinance the truck but I never got the call to say "ok, I got help"....I knew no one would help him. Was I good girlfriend? Was I selfish to take back the things I got to make his life easier? I just dont trust him to give me money. Is he just not capable of having a healthy, adult relationship with a women? PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR HONEST OPINION....THANK YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:21am
Wow. What a story. Well sweethrte, I must say that you are a much better person than I for believing in a man for that long with minimal return. You must know that you did the right thing if in the end you feel relieved. I honestly feel your confusion, anguish, and sorrow for dealing for so long only to have the opposite of what you hoped for. Do yourself a favor and move as emotionally far away from him as you possibly can. Trust me, you don't want to end up like me wondering why you can't take your own advice when it's staring you in the face, just like all the adversity was during your relationship. Cause, as you already know, patterns are too difficult to break; and at 31, I would really wonder if he is beyond change. Thanks too for your story; after having my heart completely trampled by an immature loser, just today as a matter of fact, I was looking for stories from others so I wouldn't feel so alone. So, sorry to hear your pain, but thanks for sharing. You really do sound like a fine woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:43am

Thank you so much for your reply yoli214.....I do feel a lot better to know that I am not alone and that I am a good person. Everytime I my thoughts go to anything that makes me sad...I try to think about this loser sitting on his father's couch at 31 with nothing to his name and it makes me feel like I made the right decision. He basically was bring me down and now I am free to live a better life full of possibilities.

Thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 4:18pm
Hi sweethrte, hugs to you! It looks like you have taken care of him for long enough! He needs to grow up and stop depending on you/mommy/daddy/brother or whoever and take responsiblity for himself. And his son. He sounds just like my ex husband who I have a son with. Goodness, I hope this guy isn't my ex and has been giving you the run around like that, you could have called me and I would have warned you! lol Just kidding, but seriously, you deserve better. I know you loved this guy, but he was holding you back and then resenting you for helping him. I'm surprised you stayed afloat for as long as you did! Don't hold your breath for getting any help with the debt, but don't let him make you feel guilty for keeping what was rightly yours.
Your not his bank, mother, or keeper, you were only suppose to be his girlfriend. And I don't think trying again with a man is a weakness, you had the best intentions and believed in him. You can't help him any more than he is willing to help himself. Now you can work on healing and getting back on track. You will be ok!! One day at a time, and pay back one bill at a time. Anger is going to happen , use it only to get over him, and when you start to miss him, remember all that he did to put you in this mess. And try no contact, he might "need" you again, because you have a big heart, but don't let him!!
Best wishes , Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 11:25pm
I'm sooo sorry you had to go through all of this!!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 11:05am

Thank you Grace for your kind words....trust me...I'm on my 7th day and even though it is really soon...I dont have any of the old urges I had with the other breakups. The urge to call, email or be next to him. I just finally came to the conclusion that he will never change..I have never felt like things were so final before. Thank you again for your help..it really does make a difference.

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 1:28am

Hello Sweethrte,

If I were to give you a percentage on how much your story and a similar situation that I just came out of was alike, it would be at 98%.
Firstly, let me say that men are like buses, one comes every so ofter, but the truth is that they always DO come. I have hurt just like everyone else, and the best thing for you to understand is that sometimes God will send people into your life to prepare you for what He has better for you. He will set you up with someone to test you on how you will be, and gives you lesson to learn so that you will be tough enough for the REAL man He has prepared for you. And while you are going through your situation, God is preparing your man, he is going through lessons like you are. That is the cool thing..
About your situation: I was in something like that recently, the whole break up/ get together cycles/friend mess. Please understand that it is insecurity on his part. Same thing happened with me, we broke up exactly one year...on and off, stayed with his mom and I was independent, and wanted to be friends...ALL of THAT..was me too, so I understand where you are coming from.
Listen, I came to the realization that I made him feel inferior. I was too much for him and he wasnt man enough to do for me. (dont think i am sounding cocky..cause I did the same stuff you did) I felt that I was helping him and that I was investing into our and his future. He expressed to me that he wanted me in his future and all that, that there was no other woman for him....Then he would call and be like, lets be friends..

I dont need to go any further, bc now I think you feel me...so let me break it down to you..cause I know..

Men want a woman that makes them feel like a MAN. And there is nothing wrong with that. We want a man that makes us feel like a woman.. True? ok. He explained to me that we are on two different pages..Ok, we were. When you are a woman, and got it going on..I am talkin about you got your own car, pay bills, can buy what you want, work hard...and your man cant do what you do..he feels worthless and inferior. That also is a clue to you that ..hey! God has something better, because remember, a MAN takes care of the household. Remember, my ex was threatened, but he never admitted it. Men will never admit stuff like that, because they know that they r supposed to be doing all that. And ooh, I hurt so bad too. I bought him the world and was his support, his rock, and it backfired. But that is okay...people come into your life for a reason. Just think about the friends you had, that you were real cool with and now you dont really hang out anymore, sometimes people come to pick you up and teach you things..good and bad.

Sweethrte, your man was just like man, immature-because he couldnt communicate his feelings so he just settled for the "lets be friends" crap
No matter who you are, a man dont like for a woman to take care of him like that. I learned this...And the good thing is that you learn, so you dont do it again. I wish I would spend all that money again on a man, " who cant do for me, what I cant do for myself"..remember that line

Lastly, all I can say is from my experience, please pray and move on. What I learned from dealing with this type of guy is that he needed someone beneath him to make him feel superior. Never settle. Now my ex is getting married to this female who is so beneath me, it makes no sense, but- he needed that for his ego. I made him feel like less of a man. I was in school working on 2 degrees, have a SUV (paid for) workin, makin more money than him, traveling..(offered to take him) and he could NOT handle that. You would think that a man would want a successful female on him arm to help bring him up, but no, they hate that, it makes them feel worse. That does not mean lower your standards. My ex stayed at home with his mammy and all that no car no job.

We all make mistakes, learn from them...
You workin a job?...your man should have one too, maybe even better!
You like to travel?...your man should have some stories to tell you!
You gotta a vehicle? Your man should have one, maybe even nicer!
You go to nice restaurants? You man should go there too and pay for the bill!
You know how to communicate your feelings? Your man should be mature enough to let you know without giving you tired lines...

I could go on, but I will stop here...

When it all comes down to it, Sweethrte, pray and ask God to restore the years you have sown in tears, and heal your hurt....replace your negative thoughts with joy, surround yourself with positive people...Ask God to order your steps and lead your to someone else that is Man enough for you....someone who will spend his money on you and treat you like the queen that you are, and put you on a pedastel....I use to think that my ex was the only man in the world for me....God has over a billion people in the world....and if your man is playin games, let him know you are a woman and not a kid...

And finally.....every morning look in the mirror and tell yourself, that you are a good woman and there is a good man for me...

STRIVE FOR GREATNESS!!!!!

Love,
blessed12005

PS( i love giving relationship advice if you or anyone else wants to email me personally, blessedsingleone@yahoo.com)