My married ex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
My married ex...
1
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:54am

Here's my long story (I'll make it as short as possible):

I dated this guy when I was in college (I was 19--now 24). My first everything. I was in love. It was a passionate relationship. We fought, broke up, got back together, etc. We couldn't stay away from each other even when we were broken up. We continued to maintain a "friendship", all the while sleeping together. Finally, I realized I wasn't going to get real committment and I met another guy--I really liked him too.

Well, I told the ex about him after about a month of seeing this other guy (and him, at the same time). That, in turn, made the ex start seeing someone else. We were still friends during this whole time (however, we stopped sleeping together). Well, he married that girl. He's been married to her for just a little over a year now. We managed to keep contact. (I didn't go to the wedding though). But he's the one who always initiates the contact.

He's married now!!! I have no romantic feelings whatsoever. I know he has none for me either. But I, along with everyone else, wonders why he wants to keep contact with an ex-girlfriend when he's married!!!?? I love him and always will...but he's married...is a friendship really possible, considering our past? I can only imagine how his wife must feel about me...

I just don't know what I should do about "us." Any suggestions or similar experiences?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: shine434
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 2:11am

You write: "I just don't know what I should do about "us."

Sweetie, there is no "us" anymore. He's a married man. His first obligation is his wife. You must treat differently with each other from now on.

you write: "is a friendship really possible, considering our past? I can only imagine how his wife must feel about me... "

Only a destructive one, considering your past. You are not over each other, however, now that he has taken a vow with his wife, the silliness must end now. She doesn't deserve the contempt. If his marriage fails, it should fail on its own merits, not because you two refuse to give up a friendship.

If he cannot muster the integrity, then you must. He can't run to you when his wife makes him mad or he's not satisfied in his marriage--no one forced him to marry her and you can't fix anything. Since you have a past sexual relationship with each other, the best you can be is a distraction for him, keeping him from doing what he needs to do. If you get involved with him further, you invite a lot of hurt on yourself, you crush a woman who doesn't deserve it and he never comes face to face with handling his issues regarding even getting married in the first place.

Stop taking phone calls from him. You two are over. It's dead and gone. He's married. Respect her, if you can't respect him.