My reaction to news EX has moved on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
My reaction to news EX has moved on
3
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:15am

Two months ago I found out my husband of 17 yrs had posted an ad on a couple of swinger dating sites. Also, I found out he has been calling (several X's a day) a woman that lives out of state everyday for every 3 yrs. He promised to delete his personal ads and stop meeting/talking to women. He lied.

I left him a a month ago (moved out). We our selling our family home. The break-up was and is bad. I have been keeping busy and trying to move on. I rarely call him unless to talk about our daughter or business.

A neighbor from my old neighborhood called and told me that she saw a woman and my STXH together at my former residence. The news caused my to loose it. I called him up and argued about it. I checked his online cell bill and called the women he's been seeing. Then suddenly I realized how much I missed my husband and the life we shared together.

I told him that I wanted to save our marriage. He told me to leave him alone and stay out of his life. I feel so stupid and embarrassed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:19am

No contact. No contact no contact no contact (except for your things surrounding your daughter)!!

Of course there were wonderful things, and of course there are things you miss. A suggestion I found on here is to get a stack of index cards and write on each one of the thing you WON'T miss...all the terrible things you listed already and the multitude of others that all contributed to you leaving him. When you miss him, which happens from time to time, pull out the cards and really think about the reality of the person. Remember the pain, frustration and disappointment. My college bf from almost TEN YEARS ago will pop into my head at random times, and I'll think I miss him. Then I remember he was an alcoholic and STILL is, something I wasn't willing to deal with anymore.

No contact works on so many levels. It helps you to cut ties and move on, to distance yourself from the relationship, but it also keeps you from the sort of embarrassment you mentioned and from hearing something you DON'T want or need to hear.

Each of us is a mix of good and bad, wonderful qualities and terrible flaws. You took a good hard look your husband (you even already gave him a chance to straighten up!), and realized the bad out weighed the good. Remember that and stick to it. Everyone has slip ups from time to time, don't dwell on it. Pick yourself up and start over again.




Edited 8/1/2007 9:21 am ET by gal_astoria
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 10:59am

It's pretty normal to have second thoughts and wish things could go back to the way they were. But do you really want to be with someone who lies and cheats? Do you want to close your eyes to that and never know if he's really where he says he is when he's not home, or who he's talking or seeing when he's not with you?

Are you getting counseling to help you grieve the loss of the man you thought you married?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 2:55pm

Hi kay129 and welcome,

I'm truly sorry about the situation with your husband. Some wake up call, right? Irregardless of what anyone else thinks is good for you or your life, what do you want for your life? Do you even know? Have you had time to yourself, really, to figure that out? This event has triggered some time away for you, some uninterrupted time, to figure out where you currently stand in your own life and compare that to what you saw for yourself before everything, before your husband even, came along.

Everyone finds their own way. Look inside and see what you ultimately want, and we'll try and help you figure out some way to achieve that, whether that's working on your marriage or taking this moment to get out of it. Either way, taking time for *yourself* now can only serve to make whatever your decision ultimately ends up being, all that much better.

Gook luck,

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