my story, glad for this board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
my story, glad for this board
11
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:07pm
Long post:
I just wanted to express my gratitude for finding this board and wanted to tell everyone my story because I could use some support and i also am here to support you guys when you need me too. I started having major problems with my exbf about 7 months ago. We started dating back in January of 2004. I had just gotten out of a string of r'ships and jumped right into the next one so I didn't have to deal with the pain of the previous one and the one before that etc etc. My recent ex was not very affectionate, didn't like to have or instigate sex nearly as often as me to the point where I thought I was unattractive and also was emotionally unavailabe. These were very MAJOR problems in the r'ship but I ignored them for the longest time and still to this very day think of going back with him sometimes. You are probably asking why I would stay with him. He was also very kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, open-minded and loved going out with me and doing things and we both actually lived together very well (for 6 months)never had problems with messiness, divying up chores and responsibilities and no money problems, he was also a very happy go-lucky, calm laid back person when I didn't bring up issues. He never brought up issues. I know he loved me and I loved him but we were more like friends than lovers and I felt as if he was holding me at arms length all the time. I had a VERY difficult time leaving him, the hardest I've ever had leaving anyone due to a lot of factors including him and I still loving eachother, me turning 30 this month and my younger sister getting married and having a baby, something I've always wanted. It took me until early July (this year) to have him move out of my condo and break up. We kept contact here and there and got back together a little over a month ago for a couple of weeks. We talked about the things that needed to change over and over again but he never really took the initiative to work on his major issues even though he kept telling me that since he loved me he would try his hardest. Needless to say he didn't really improve much and I still felt alone in the r'ship and after a falling out we broke up for hopefully the final time about a month ago. I've been going through ups and downs, sadness, greiving, fear etc etc since about May of this year and it just increased at the times we were broken up. It's been a tremendous struggle not to go back to him again and I have had lots of fear of what the future holds, fear of never finding the one, lots of crying fits etc etc. This is so so so so hard and has been a huge turning point in my life. I'm trying to remain strong and stay single for awhile and not date so that I can get my life back on track, heal and deal with my codependency issues. Just when I thought i was doing fine and on track to healing, I had a fall back starting last week and calling him more often as well as him calling me and thinking about going back with him. Yesterday I stopped my thinking in it's tracks and reminded myself of the major reasons why I can't. I love myself too much to have to go through more pain, sadness and anger, even if I still care for and love him in a way. Thanks for reading this post and I hope everyone is hanging in there and taking care of themselves. If any of you have any advice, feedback or words of faith for me during these tough times I would appreciate it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:40pm

I am going through the same situation. I am 29 and still haven't found the right one yet. I also, find myself wanting to go back into a relationship that had problems. My ex doesn't contact me. I have broken down a few times and contacted him and I always end up feeling worse and starting over from day 1 and it has been a month. I actually saw him and talked to him today and now I am hurting just as bad as the first day I ended our 2 year relationship. It is hard to realize that he has moved on and is doing great and here I am not wanting to eat, sleep, or even get out of bed. Stay strong. I truely believe that the no contact rule does work. I start to feel a little better and I get those urges to contact him and I do and end up hurting myself more. My ex and I have parted as friends but it is too hard disconnecting from bf to friend. He is now in a new relationship. It has been a month today since we broke up. I am very sad, hurt, and confused.

I am feeling the same pain and hurt right now. I do believe that this pain and hurt will end some day, but getting there is the hard part. Do you mind if I ask how old your bf was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:49pm

Me and my bf broke up almost a month ago. I have had a terrible time, up & down - you know, the whole roller coaster. I had posted my story here at the beginning of our break up so I am not going to go through it all again. What I wanted to tell you is that your story is remarkably similar to mine. From the ability to get along and care for each so much to his keeping you at an arms length, emotionally, physically. When i met my bf I thought I had finally met my best friend. Maybe I did - but he was not the lover I hoped he would be and it sounds like you were missing that as well. I also noticed similarities in that I had only been divorced 4 months when I met him and we were together for almost a year. We melded much of our lives, friends, family, kids - even discussed marriage at length. All the while, I was hoping our physical relationship would improve/change. I too have co-dependency issues (obviously), we all want that LOVE in our lives don't we? Anyway, today I was having a DOWN day and thought I would turn to this board that has helped me so much and I found your post. It was providence. There is so much to say but I will leave on this note. . . . Hang in there, it will get better. You know what to watch out for now. DO NOT SETTLE IN YOUR LIFE. Be happy, be strong, and above all things be WHOLE.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:29pm
My boyfriend was 31, so you would think that they would get it by that age. It's so frustrating and really really sad. I have been talking to him on the phone and it does make it so much harder to move on that way. I do have days of acceptance like today but they are few and far between. I think I'm making progress overall but this has been such a difficult ride. I'm really sorry to hear that your ex moved on to someone new already. That's really upsetting to hear. Just take comfort in the fact that rebound r'ships usually don't work because they happen when someone is in a place of need not want and usually the person that they choose is the wrong one because of that reason (I'm living proof!). When you are choosing someone to avoid the pain and emptiness you are choosing out of desperation not from using your own head. He only moved on to the next person because he was hurting too much and couldn't face the pain. You are doing a much healthier thing by grieving the r'ship and choosing to be alone and deal with the issues. Hang in there, stay strong, try not to contact him, I need to follow this too, I feel your pain. I felt like crying for part of the day today when I heard about someone making wedding plans and people talking about marriage in general but then I snapped back into reality and told myself that I wasn't happy with my ex overall, I always felt like something was missing and kind of felt alone even in a r'ship so why would I want to go back to that. Personally right now I'm feeling that I would rather not deal with any sort of r'ship or marriage if it's going to be like any of the ones I had before. It's such a roller coaster. I know I'm feeling positive now at this hour but that can all change tomorrow or the next day or next week. It's like my feelings are ticking time bombs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:32pm
Thanks for your words of encouragment. I do agree with you, I should never settle for less than someone that makes me truley happy (most of the time if not all the time) and adds to my life. I should never be crying at night or at work over what some guy did to me. It's just not right and it's no way to live life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:47pm
Hey ladies.. I just wanted to say that I totally know what you're all going through. Me and my ex went through the same thing, we had even talked about marriage and the whole nine yards.. but we never got to see each other, he always blamed that on me. He seemed so serious about us but never really made that extra effort, then blamed me. He was 28 and I'm 22, so I figured that men his age wouldn't totally screw me.. but then he got drunk one night and cheated on me, then went back to his old girlfriend. There's so much to our story that I don't want to even go into.. all I know is that from the stories I hear from everyone is that we are better off without our ex's and we don't need them. Stay strong! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:04pm
I hear all of you. My ex and I also talked about marriage and children. He already had a son from a previous relationship and always seemed to want more until the last couple of months of our relationship. He had changed his mind on me, marriage, and children. I think our age difference had a major impact (I'm 29 and he is 24). Did I mention that he is now back with the mother of his child? The woman that had their child taken away from her due to her drug addiction and was thrown in jail. Yeah, this blow hurts the worse. I was the one that gave him the support through all the battles with her. I knew this wasn't someone I wanted in my life so I broke up with him. I wonder if I broke up with him why am I so upset? I don't want him back and obviously he doesn't want me back. We ended as friends and I still love him and his son very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 6:34pm
That is absolutely the hardest part, I practically lived with my boyfriend and his family, mom dad, sister, niece,for 9 mos, I became a part of their family, slept over there every other nite, had dinner there, hung out there at lunch called his parents mom and pop, we talked about marriage, his mother asked me where I thought we might get married when it got to that point, and then he just changed his mind, how do they do that? Tell you the love you the day before and then are just gone? Have someone new, obviously the I love you was a lie, so why say it? I long to be at his kitchen table with mom and pop and the laughing and the joking and the love just everywhere, and now I am alone and someone new is sitting at that same table, its killing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 7:10pm

I feel your pain. I was so close with his family also. He was also really close with mine. It hurts. I actually had one of those urges and went to see him yesterday. I found out that he didn't go to work so I went over to his apartment. He was very nice as usual we parted as friends, but the whole situation of him not going to work seemed fishy. When I asked why he didn't go to work he said he just couldn't get out of bed, but his son started to tell me another reason why and my ex cut him off. I know he was just trying not to hurt me more than I already am hurting. I think knowing that he is with someone else and happy and still not being honest with me hurts much more. I am at day 1 again. I has been a month and I feel like I am starting all over again.

I hope that you are having a better than I am.

Hugs and prayers
brokn_heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 11:50am

I hear all of you guys..I've said it before and I'll see it over again. How do you go from being in love, telling someone how much you love them, my ex would always say "I love you so much it hurts" he would send me texts from working saying he loved and missed me and would rather be w/ me then at work. Then one day *bam* new girl - bye Liz.

I hate to think he really didn't love me.. but how could he? How do you honestly love someone and just cut them out of your life forever when nothing is wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 7:29am

Yeah they do that, my ex in the beginning told his last girlfriend he loved her while he was just starting to date me, I should have left him then, his excuse was he didnt want to hurt her, which was bull, he didnt want the conflict. He said he broke up with her, she starts riding by my house calling and crying, he didnt tell her. Then a month later he is telling me the same thing, he loves me, even the M word! for months all I heard was I love you so much I want to have children with you, then about 2 months ago I bring that up and he says, that was just a heat of the moment thing, I am not ready to get married and have kids! after telling me for months that I was the one! It was just downhill from there for the next 2 months, him being distant cold and basically doing everything except telling me the truth that he didnt want to be with me anymore, he did the exact same thing with his last girlfriend, cheated on her,found someone else and lied about it, she had to figure out for herself what was going on and so did I.

Kathy

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