My Story of "I am sick over this"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
My Story of "I am sick over this"
1
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:08pm

My posts tend to be very long and I probably say the same thing over and over. I always try to read other posts and replies first...so I don't ask for a question that was answered already, instead I take the stuff that was different (which usually isn't much- which is so sad that "broken hearts" are such an epidemic), and ask for advice for that.

When Carrie brokedown 'Hopefuls' post, she stated something I didn't understand:
"Define what you are feeling. Feel it. Don't react, just feel it."
Feeling it causes the reaction. The reaction is INVOLUNTARY. My chest feels like there's a lead weight on it and I can't breathe. Because it's the most undescribable, excruciating, unbearable feeling. Haven't people LITERALLY died of a broken heart?

'Hopeful' made this statement:
"Why doesn't he want to be with me when I'm such a good catch?"
Is there no real answer....or just they don't see that you are? Then, "How does he not realize that I'm the best person he'll ever have?" My situation has me asking the unanswerable question of: "How did he spend so much time and intimacies with me and never fall in love?" Yes, from the beginning, he told me not to get to attached, but we'd only been dating about a month then. I fell quickly, yes, but as the fun and intimate times grew and went on, I'd think he'd feel something (well, besides 'physical' adoration). MY BIGGEST QUESTION OF UNFAIRNESS:
Basically, how does someone spend so much time with someone without any feelings growing at all, and can then meet someone else and in a couple weeks, be in love with the new person, whit no regard what-so-ever for the previous person?

'Hopeful' was told by someone in regards to:
"He won't miss me because he's with someone else."
She was told that the new girl was the "rebound girl". Well, in my case, I started seeing him 6 weeks after he seperated from his wife of 10 years. So I was the "rebound girl", and now the girl he's with now is the lucky one, because he's all ready to have a relationship again. And he never even talked about "divorce proceedings" the whole time we were together, now with the new girlfriend, he told me (yes, I'm a 'NC' abuser) his divorce will be final in 3 weeks-like it's so important to hurry and finalize it now. And he would date other girls, explaining to me that we were not exclusive...with this girl, he saw her twice, and decided he wanted to see her only.

What advise do you have for me? "How stupid could I be?", "I did this to myself.", "I let myself be used." Well, I know that, and I was not blaming him for any of it, until last night, I was IMing him and I lost it. I had been so understanding and not getting mad at him. But, I didn't care anymore who's fault it was. I was so hurt and angry that I was the one destroyed by this and he just walked away without a scratch.

Am I right in believing this isn't all my own doing? Isn't he wrong in being so insensitive in letting us go on knowing how I felt about him? When I realized that he was 'honoring her wishes' and never did a damn thing I didn't want him to do because it hurt my feelings....he'd do it anyway, I blew up at him, and told him he was a bastard and treated me like garbage.

Let me know if this is a step forward in healing and getting over him: I know that I continued seeing him, even when he told me he didn't feel the same way, even though he'd date other girls (it was rarely, and he'd always end up not seeing them again, and he was with me A LOT), and some other things I'd ask him to do or not to do for me, and he would or wouldn't if he didn't want to. I was giving him time & space because I was aware he'd just split from his wife, and I felt if I 'held on loosely', he'd get to the point where our relationship could grow from me being the "rebound girl", to being someone he cared & loved, because I was so loving and supportive and helpful to him during that time. My problem is not being able to believe that that isn't "how it works". I live the farthest place possible from 'Fantasy Land'. So, I didn't get angry at him when he broke it off. I just hurt alone, blaming myself, and feeling so sad that he is such a good, wonderful guy, but I can't have him. But, I don't feel that way anymore. I'M ANGRY AT HIM!! I TOLD HIM SO!! I TOLD HIM HE WAS CRUEL AND TREATED ME LIKE TRASH!! HE'S SELFISH!! He signed off but not before saying: "Well this conversation has taken a turn for the worse. I'll probably talk to you later." Like I was just having a bad day. I really feel I can stop the contact and get over him now that I realize he DID TREAT ME BAD. He ISN'T so great of a guy.

Please advise me on your thoughts. This message board has been my biggest support.
THANKS TO EVERYONE! Tina

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 11:23pm
UGGHHHH!!! I know how you feel. I am sorry this has happened to you, too. I'm not sure if the new girl is the rebound girl, or if I was the rebound girl. My ex was divorced...then dated casually, then had a girlfriend for a year...which didn't work out, and then he dated me for two years. In the beginnning, he told me he was so thankful to have finally found someone he really cared about. He made it seem like I was finally "the one". Everything was great in the beginning. Then, as things started to fizzle out, I tried to do everything for him, but I easily got frustrated with him because I felt that he didn't do the things I wanted him to do. He only did them if he wanted to...not because I ever wanted him to. Therefore, we began to argue alot. But, I would always apologize for the fights...never him. I would be the one buying an "I'm sorry" card...or telling him how bad I felt. Now...after I wore my heart on my sleeve, and prayed for us to stay together...he is seeing someone else. I don't know if he's serious with her at all. I confronted him once about it when I found out last weekend, and he said that he wasn't trying to hurt me and that he wasn't looking for anything serious...but how do I know if he's telling the truth or if he's trying to spare my feelings. If he was really trying to spare my feelings, he wouldn't be seeing someone else so soon. I had a nice night tonight with friends, but I cried the whole way home in my car by myself. All I wanted to do was drive to his house and hold him and watch tv and tell him how much I miss him and love him. I came SO CLOSE to calling him...but then I happened to pass a Barnes and Noble, and I went in and bought 4 of those books the other girl on the message board recommended. I am going to start reading them.
Everyone keeps wondering why I am not angry, and why I still want to be with him after all of this...but I AM ANGRY! But, I am more hurt and sad than angry. It is the worst most horrible pain. Unbearable. I know my life could be a lot worse. It's not like someone died...but I almost feel like in a way, I did lose someone. I don't know how to deal with this. I miss him so much and I just want to be back with him. Sound pathetic, doesn't it!? Like you said earlier, I keep repeating myself in these posts. I know I do, but I can't help it. My only help is to try to make him jealous and keep my head up and try to make him think I'm moving on, but I don't know if it will work because I'm afraid he has the new girl to occupy his mind. I'm obsessing over this. And we work together...so I can't concentrate on anything! I am going to my cousin's this weekend to hang out...we will have fun, but I'm still worried that he is going to be out with the new girl...out to dinner...dancing...and having sex. It's making me sick. I wish there was a simple answer to getting over this. Maybe we just need to date other guys as well, but I haven't found ANYONE that I'm interested in. Anyway, feel free to write back. It really does help me to talk to others in similar situations. Feel better...