my story-need advice
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my story-need advice
| Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:45am |
hey ladies-i am in need of some help! background-bf and i dated for 2 1/2 years. he's older with established career and a sick mother to whom he is financially supporting. i just graduated nursing school and am out on my own for the first time. b/c of the situation with his mother, he won't make a commitment to me. he feels as long as she is here he needs to support her leaving him financially and emotionally drained. i guess i knew this from almost the beginning but being in school and working i was so busy and didn't have the time myself for a huge commitment. now that i'm out of school and just working i want more. he can't give it to me right now. so 13 days ago i told him (after several tries) that i couldn't see him or talk to him anymore b/c it hurt too much to go on as we were, jsut dating with no promise of anything more. he accepted what i had to say with tears and now i am completely miserable. i cry myself to sleep at night and wake up with nightmares concerning him. i feel numb. i'm moving thru my life at this super slow pace. i feel like there's this fog all around me that won't go away. i miss him terribly-the stupid stuff really. i miss his hearing his voice and i miss having his arms around me. i miss the way he encouraged me (i'm battling to lose weight!). i dont' know if i made the right decision. i mean, i'm only 23, about to be 24, am i ready for a commitment like i'm asking him to give me? we had our ups and downs as all couples do and i keep trying to remember the down-i think that would make this easier, but i'm unable. b/c of different circumstances, i've only one really good friend to which i can cry to, but i'm afraid she's getting tired of hearing about it. she broke up with her bf about 2 wks before i broke up with mine and she seems fine. i want to be fine. i want to be ok with my decision but i'm not. i'm a wreck. my world is spinning around me uncontrollably and i am standing still. is this normal? any advice? sorry this is so long and scattered, but i just really needed to get this stuff out.

I think it is a great quality for someone to take care of his family especially if the mother is think.
Maybe you should have been more patient with him and understand when he is coming from.
The question is : Was he treating you right? Was he respectful? Was he your friend and did he consider you as an important person besides his mom?
If all the answers were yes then maybe you need to hang in there with him and help him to go through the difficult time he has been facing.
Good luck
Some questions for you: Did you express (and mean it) to your BF that you would help him in his support of his mother (i.e., "hey she can live with us and I can help you")? Did you listen to him about his trials and tribulations? Did you try and help in other ways with her situation, maybe finding out information about caregiver's support groups, medical advances, etc.?
If you did all the above and he still wouldn't commit, I think you did the right thing and it shows enormous strength of character (which I realize is cold comfort at this point). In this case it would seem he's using his mother's situation to hide behind and as an excuse not to commit (either period or to you -- either way, clearly not the man for you then). And pinning your hopes and dreams on a commitment-phobe is a red-carpet invitation to heartbreak.
If you didn't do the above and really see yourself with this guy (not just married, but married to HIM, with HIM as the father to your children, etc.), you might want to re-think the situation. If you really can support him in the situation with his mother, which could mean years of hard work and additional emotional tolls depending on the circumstances, then you should tell him that and see if that changes anything. If not, you made the right decision and just keep on truckin'.
And don't compare yourself to your friend. Her circumstances are surely different and no sense in comparing apples and oranges. You clearly cared about this man and the relationship. Never begrudge yourself the time to grieve over that. Just realize that you have to keep moving forward.
Good luck!
Pesky.
Hey there,
It sounds like you did the right thing and everything you're going through is normal. It's hard to let go of a relationship and feeling the loss is very much expected.
Whatever this guy is going through, being in a committed relationship is not something that has to be sacrificed. Couples face hard times all the time. If he wants to be with you, then he'll find a way back to you. Whatever he figures out, you didn't do anything wrong. You are entitled to your wants and desires and if he can't give that to you, there is nothing you can do about that. You also have to understand that however much you want to be with him, things will not necessarily change if you wait it out.
It is admirable that he wants to take care of his family, but you two obviously want different things out of the relationship and you changing your standards would not have fixed that problem.
Good luck with everything!
"i guess i knew this from almost the beginning but being in school and working i was so busy and didn't have the time myself for a huge commitment. now that i'm out of school and just working i want more. he can't give it to me right now."
It seems that all you want is what's best for yourself. Remember that when you are in a relatinship it's no longer about "me" rather it's about "us" Right now you are making him choose between a sick mother or you and that's just wrong. Compromise is the key to a sucessful relationsip. Imagine if he wanted commitment when you were busy with school, that would really be a unfair in your eyes right? If he treated you right and you truly loved him, I would really re think your decision. I'm not trying to take sides, but I just wanted point out how he might view the situation.
good luck.
elc guy
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect a commitment after dating 2+ years. If he says he can't make a commitment than he doesn't want to.
I was in your exact situation - my ex's mother was a widow whose health was declining and also required significant emotional support. I think caring for an aging parent is a wonderful quality - but well - to be honest - I began to lose respect for him when the extent of his emeshment with his mother became clear. In situations like this his mother will likely always be the #1 woman in his life. Is that something you're ok with?
Think about it - in this case he is making sacrifices to care for his mother - his choice - but how willing is he to make sacrifices for you? - I'm guessing his needs take precedent in your current relationship - afterall there's only so many sacrifices an individual can make before they assert their needs - that's just reality - unless he's a martyr - but that's an entirely new topic.
And don't feel guilty about this - I spent some time thinking I was an awful person - afterall this was his mother! My ex liked to play this card - how dare I be upset when he's cancelled plans because he has to take his mother somewhere, or he can't deal with me right now because he's exhausted with family business - that just makes him a donkey -
Goodluck -W