naive vs. reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
naive vs. reality
2
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:44pm

hi,

i posed this question earlier in the week, on another msg bd and figured i'd ask you guys,

for those of you whose husbands/wives/so's have cheated and chose to stay with the ow/om, did they ever tell you why they chose him/her?

and if so, did they choose them b/c the om/ow made it too comfortable for them? in other words, will closing your eyes bring back your wife/husband/s/o?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 4:29pm
Can't say I've been in that situation, but I've seen a few articles and a self-help book about affair-proofing your marriage (search Amazon?), and without getting into too much self-disclosure, the concept of straying is something that has impacted everyone's life or the lives of close friends at some point. In my experience and from friends' experience, it's not that the other person makes life more comfortable for the straying partner. In fact, just the opposite. Most people who stray do so because the other person seems more exciting, lively, fun, fascinating, and interesting than their current partner. Not so much that they're more physically attractive or skilled in the bedroom, just more interesting, easier to talk to, and fun to be around. And that's generally coupled with the other person's strong self-confidence. The other person wouldn't put up with some of the stuff the straying partner does in the primary relationship. And heaping nurturing, caring, and forgiveness on a straying partner can make that person feel guilty, suffocated, or "mothered," but doesn't exactly respark the love. Pulling back and enforcing your boundaries and standards (read: you respect yourself too much to put up with your straying partner's behavior any longer), and developing your own hobbies/interests/life, that is the most likely thing to draw back in the straying partner. I'm not an expert, so take that with a grain of salt, but in my opinion, closing your eyes and being the long-suffering, all-forgiving spouse is exactly the opposite of what will "work" to keep the relationship intact. Being a valuable commodity the straying partner starts panicking about losing, that's what works, if it's what you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:53am

Try this website: it gets more into the heavy-duty aspects of cheating:

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195