NC and impulsive calling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
NC and impulsive calling
13
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 7:24am

Hey everyone,

Still trying NC. I won't even go there..but what I need are tips/tools NOT TO CALL. It is the point of no return/Enough's Enough. I am 100% sure NC is the ONLY way to move on in my case but every once in awhile usually early in the AM after a sleepless obsessive night, I call him.

HOW CAN I NOT CALL? Short of tossing the phone...

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Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 11:08am

I know how hard it is NOT to contact that person - so this is what I did when I was in your shoes!


I made a list on an index card (I typed in small print on the computer and then taped it to the index card (mine went front and back) and on that card I listed EVERYTHING (big or small) that my ex did that hurt me from not calling back when he said he would - to uninviting me to his brother's wedding.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 12:11pm

My best suggestion is to get the new book by Greg Behrendt about breaking up...he has lots of good ideas in there about how to do "no contact".

A few things that have worked for me:

Notes on or near the phone saying "no" or "don't call"

erasing his number from the phone (so I can't call on impulse or "accidentally")

thinking about how awful I will feel if I call (maybe not at first but afterwards)

looking at my index cards/reminding myself why we are not right for each other

calling a friend

making a commitment to a close friend or my counselor--anyone I would not want to break my word to--not to call for a specific period of time (I commit to as long as I think I can--even if it's just a few days, and then renew the commitment when that ends)

telling myself that if I really need to call him in a month or two weeks or whatever, I can, but not until then (usually by then the urge passes)

Hope these help!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:27pm

Hello wannaheal,

All those suggestions from the previous posters are good!! You can use all those techniques, because they do work. It will be 12 mos, Dec 7, that I have refrained from NC. Yes, it has been almost one full year, and it has been the hardiest thing too do, until recently. After 6 mos, it got easier and easier. I no longer have the urge, and I realize, it won't do any good for us to talk now. Too much time has passed, and there is no need to bring up the past. But let me tell you, it hasn't been a easy road. There were times, I almost called, after the sixth, seventh, or even eighth month passed. I thought I was in the clear, after the 6th month, but I wasn't. The devil would sneak up on me, and bring that urge on, sometimes so powerful, I almost caved in and called. But I would pray, or do something to get my mind off from calling. It has helped me, and I also shared my thoughts with one friend, and she would always help me, and keep me from making the mistake. You know, calling is a mistake. One that you would regret, and would set you back so far. Trust me I know, because after 2 mos of NC, in the beginning of the break up, I caved in, and called, and it was a diaster. It hurt so much, and I had to start all over again. I vowed to myself, I didn't want to go thru that pain again, so I have now made it to 12 mos of NC. I kept remembering how awful I felt when I called, and how the conversation turned out bad. I don't want to go thru that again, and I have learned, what too do, if I ever get myself in that situation again. I have learned alot thru this process, and you will too. It really takes a lot of self-talking and determination to maintain NC. it is not easy, I say that again, it is not easy, but you got to do what you need to do, to maintain your dignity and self respect at this point. Just calling them, makes us look weak and pathetic, and I personally have showed that too many times to my ex, and I won't allow myself to let him know, I'm struggling without him. After one year, now, he knows I'm doing good, and I don't even care anymore. That is the loudest message I could of ever sent to him, this past year. One day, though, I can guarantee you, when your all over this mess, and really moved on with your life, and you no longer want to call, your NC rule would be broken, but not by you. Just watch, one day, that ex of yours will call you. It may take years to come, but by then, you will be so over him, your not going to recognize his voice. So hang in there, and continue to post when you have that urge. Trust me, don't call, it will hurt you in the end, because I know!!!! Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:23pm
the straw that broke the camel's back was that I called and he was at some chicks house..a one night stand..that was enough's enough for me..who needs that crap..I called one last time to say NC..and I pray I REALLY pray I can read your ideas and adhere..each time I break NC I feel so low and so depressed...NOT CALLING is so empowering..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:28pm
I can do it..we all can who struggle..my goal is NC til at least Jan. 4. If I can get to that, I will continue. He lives nearby and in two weeks travels to a place I cannot reach him..so two weeks I will work hard..then two weeks I cannot reach him..then he is back the 3rd so I will shoot for the 4th...if he calls me I will try NOT to talk. I have NO chance to see him til April/Easter. That is good..the phone is so hard..I wake at 5 AM and obssess and take matters/ideas/thoughts and ruminate and then call at 6 AM..will TRY NOT TO...please know, your feedback helps so much and I will take these tools and work at them each minute..NC since 6 AM today..wish me luck..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:49pm

Hi,

I wish I had some good tips for you, but unfortunately I don't. All of what the other posters said sounded helpful.

I just wanted to say good job on making it through today - take it one day at a time. Everybody supports you and is rooting for you - and maybe try to visualize that? It's like your own personal cheering squad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:55am

What helps is most here understand the MADNESS..the obsessive calling and the feeling of defeat when the call ends..I swear I wonder after WHY and how did that help me...I am so done. It's for me..it's my Xmas gift to me!I have decided I deserve to be happy and since we mututally ended things, I need to accept that and hold my head up high.

It's funny but I look back at all my relationships and realize I always gave up so much of me...now I am excited for a new year and new beginning...thanks for being here for me..it means so very very much.

NC for 25 hours! Yippeee...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:13am
Hip hip hooray for you!!!! Soon the hours will turn into days then weeks and you can look back here and see your progress. I know sometimes the urge to call is bigger than life. I always know that I do not get the response I am looking for and I only feel worse after I call. I think we just need to go there until we are satisfied that we are done and we want to heal. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. Hold on and stay strong!!! Love, Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:28am

I know how hard it can be to have no contact with your ex. I had to learn the hard way. I would take my ex's calls, I would call him and I even slept with him about 3 times, and after all my self esteem had been depleted I decided that I was worth far more than that and I deserved better. Once I finally realized that I opened myself up to finding the man of my dreams. A few things I did once I decided not to contact was: I deleted his number from my phone (this is a must). I also put up notes on the phone saying not to call or do not answer his calls. I would call my best friend when I felt the impulse to call. Even though it is hard you must have no contact with him. This is the only way you will be able to heal yourself and move on. Don't do like I did and learn the hard way. Have no contact with him and you will be on your way to healing and opening yourself up to find your true prince charming. Hang in there. Things will get better I promise.

Hugs,
Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 8:31am

One thing I need to say, we split amicably Sept. 16th..since then I saw him for a full week in Oct. and a weekend in Nov. and we did have intimacy together...I even toyed with the thought of having a lover thing with him...NO WAY anymore..he is sleeping with a few others and it makes me sick..hence why I cannot talk anymore..also he is not answering his phone at times *when he is with a friend* which makes me mental..I call and call til he answers and become a MAD woman..it was a horrific weekend..NO MORE..I am so at peace KNOWING I can and WILL do this..there is NO turning back. I have never been so sure of something...

Fortunately he lives in another city so I cannot see him easily. He has to fly here. He has no plans to come back til Easter. Then my Mom and family will be visiting me at my house so there is NO WAY I can be tempted for a week fling as I was in Oct.

Sigh....life is such a challenge..but I deserve this...please keep the loving emails coming..they help me SO much..

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