This NC isn't working!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
This NC isn't working!
13
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:47am
I haven't talked to him since Thursday. It feels like it has been months!

It's not that I am dying to talk to him. I am kinda enjoying the breather too. (Ok, sometimes.) I was fine for a while. I thought he just needed time. But, the more time that passes the more time he has to get over me! The more time he is letting go by without missing me. The more time I am thinking "Crap. Did he even love me in the first place?". I thought there was a 85-95% chance he'd be back. The fact that he is able to drop me out of his life & throw me away so easily is absolutely killing me. I guess the fact that he just didn't really want me is starting to really get to me. I feel like our whole 2 years was a sham. I thought he was the sweetest, most decent guy in the world. I cannot believe of all people he would do this to me! I had just recently took off my casual "left-hand" ring thinking he'd propose soon. Boy, am I an idiot!

Great...here I go again...breaking down at work. I have never felt so pathetic, hurt, and wimpy in my whole life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:12am
No contact isn't a "solution" - it's not a "cure" - it's not a "quick fix".

Look at this logically......if you're the one doing the breaking up - you've known for quite awhile that it is coming. It's not you get up one day and while brushing your teeth go "I think I'll go down to breakfast or give Susan a call after breakfast and break up." It's something that you've thought about for awhile, you've considered for awhile, you've tried to avoid for awhile, you've tried to resolve yourself to for awhile...AND BEING SINGLE IS A CONCEPT THAT YOU'VE COME TO ASPIRE TO FOR AWHILE AND HAVE BEGUN TO THINK OF YOURSELF IN TERMS OF, AND ESTABLISH YOURSELF AS A REALITY OF!

So "no contact" is the period in which the person who was totally caught off guard by this break-up is given to start redefining themselves as a single individual. Begin to reprioritize based on their new options and opportunities and goals and needs.

So, you're saying that he knew for quite awhile he's been "unhappy with his life, his successes, his personal progress"...and now he's ended the relationship trying to re-establish himself, become who he wants to be.

Where in there would you be thinking that "no contact" is a part of his existence? It's not. He's not having contact because he's busy doing what he got 'single' to do. So you need to get busy doing what is required "now that you are single".

Friendships can be re-established. If there truly was admiration and respect for one another - not just for what you offered and provided to one another in terms of benefits....the friendship will re-establish. Once you've both redefined yourselves as individuals, gotten some individual success under your belts - you'll come back together as friends who admire and respect one another based on values and priorities and standards - it's just that there is no "future" to be impacted by this friendship because it's going to be part of your life" - but it's not going to 'determine your future".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:42am
Hi. Sorry for the pain you're going through. I can relate. It's been three weeks since I've spoken with my boyfriend of two years. It's getting so that I have days that are halfway decent, but then others I have to wipe myself off the floor after crying. At work, I was physically ill from hurting so much from missing him. Like you, I thought he was great. Even total strangers told us we looked so happy together. He gave every indication he was madly in love with me, like I was with him. Then the coldness, "I-need-my-space-now-I-don't-phase," and finally, catching him lying on his couch with another woman on a night we had planned to be together. Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is reminding me of his betrayal, his lies, and do I really want to be with someone who was so false? The "nice guy" I was so in love with was just a thin coat of frosting over a cake made of s..t. I also can't stand the fact he seems to have moved on very easily and I wonder how all his apparent love for me just vanished in to thin air. We really do need to spend time on ourselves, becoming self-sufficient and independent human beings, able to love, care for and entertain ourselves. Otherwise, we're just a partial human being, unable to function without the presense of another. I know I don't want to be that kind of person and I'm sure you don't either. Try to gradually work in extra time for your own interests, whether it's educational, career, volunteer or hobby pursuits. Reminding myself that millions of people since history began have gone through this terrible pain and survived and even improved as people or found more worthwhile partners keeps me going when I think the crying won't ever end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:05pm
How strange! He emailed me as soon as I even posted this!

2 weeks ago, right when we broke up my pc was on the fritz. (He's a PC IT guy.) I asked if he would come to fix it. (This of course, was my manipulating way of getting him over to my house.) He never responded. Until today! UGH! He says he "will come over sometime to fix it". I already told him I couldn't be friends with him. Why does he want to help out now? I already told him nevermind, not to worry about it. But, hey, at least he was thinking about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:41pm
oh honey - it's gonna get better, I promise! I feel so badly for you... I can only imagine how hard it is for you. You can do this, though, you can get through this and, believe it or not, you will become stronger for it. Just keep repeating to yourself that you will get through this. Cry when you need to, either go to the bathroom every 30 minutes for a good cry or just go home and wail. It's totally understandable! And if you don't give in it's just going to fester. Go curl up in bed and eat junk food and watch sad movies. Tomorrow you'll still feel like crud, but it will be infinitesmily (sp?)less than today - but it will be a beginning. Hang in there, keep posting when you feel rotten - I know it's helping me!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:27pm
I really feel for you. If you ever need more support please feel free to email me through my profile. I really do feel for you. All the feelings you're going through are perfectly natural, but they will subside just as naturally. This book has helped me very much:

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

Read it and let me know what you think.

Hugs,

Laura

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:31pm
"Reminding myself that millions of people since history began have gone through this terrible pain and survived and even improved as people or found more worthwhile partners keeps me going when I think the crying won't ever end."

I really like this. Thank you so much for posting this. And if you think that those millions may have gone through many breakups ... you may be talking about billions of breakups. Yes, we do survive.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:33pm
I just finished that book Laura... very good one indeed.

I swear I see such a pattern in these guys when reading so many of the posts on these boards. After 2 years, they "need space", "time alone" whatever. What the hell is it with these guys and that time frame & those reasons? ARGH! (Well, my situation is a little different from that...) but still! I'm so sorry everyone here has had their heart broken. Hang in there ladies!

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:05pm
My guy was exactly the opposite: after knowing each other less than three months he wanted to marry me! We discussed going to buy an engagement ring. I got cold feet and told him I wasn't ready to get engaged, that I needed more time to get to know him. I wasn't sure about him for a few reasons. He has a cold streak for instance. He had difficulties discussing our problems and would use the silent treatment. I broke up with him on Sunday night, on our way back from a weekend with his family. He was pretty much cold to me the entire weekend, and acted as if I was something the cat had dragged in. Just plain ignored me and hardly spoke to me the entire weekend: in front of his family! It was utterly humiliating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:51am
Oh no, mine was the same too... he brought up engagement 2 months into the relationship. We stayed together for 3 1/2 years and had discussed it several times. In the end, he doesn't want to be married and start a family for a few more years, and I didn't want to wait that long.

So, it's not meant to be for us... we're just not on the same page. Time for me to move on... and I know I'll be just fine! :-)

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:45pm
How many days into the breakup are you? How are you managing to stay positive?

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