to NC or not to NC? Any happy endings??
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| Sun, 01-01-2006 - 3:54am |
Hi everyone,
This is something which I know should be obvious and that we're all going through, but I still need to ask it anyway. I know the best option is to initiate NC, but I don't want to be one of those typical exes that gets angry, bitter and rejected and goes off in a huff. In summary my girlfriend and I of almost a year split because of the pressures of a long distance relationship (1 hour plane flight) and she didn't want to put her life on hold on something which may or may not happen, she says she should be out having fun. Friends tell me it sounds like she is giving a lot of reasons not to commit and doesn't want to settle for 2nd best.
We have an AMAZING emotional connection, but physically we have some stumbling blocks. She says she wants someone who knocks her socks off and while she loves when we're intimate, etc, she doesn't feel the "passion". She says she knows she runs the risk wanting both and never finding it, but she says she doesn't want the the guilt if something does happen with someone else in her home city.
I think I understand this, she's just being honest, I mean, everyone has their doubts and they really need to know they've done enough "searching", maybe it's just my naiveity, but personally I don't think I'm settling, I really want to be with this girl for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm just easily pleased. I am slightly an old romantic though and a dreamer (she's the "realist"), the distance thing is a problem I admit, but I'm kinda all about feelings, and semantics don't bother me (I am seriously considering moving, though there is the typical problems I'd be giving up i.e. house, family, work, friends, etc). I know I'm not exactly painting her in the best light, but she really is a sweety, and is just trying to make it easy for everyone (her friends/family and mine), and keeps telling me she loves me and I'm her best friend. Yes the usual "break your heart but let's still be friends". I would feel bad for ditching her (she has been through a lot and needs all the support she can get), I'm not the kind of guy to ever give up on someone (especially someone I love).
I am torn....If i start no contact then I run the risk of her forgetting about me and moving on easier with someone else, but there is also the possibility of her missing me and realising just how good we were together when I'm no longer available at a moments notice. But I also feel like she needs this time to explore and realise that maybe I'm not 2nd best and seeing other guys who aren't as fantastic as me (hehe, sorry, a little comic relief).
If I stay in contact with her and things go great and we do away with the relationship pressure, etc there is the possibilty that she will fall for me again, but then again this could be blind faith and I also run the risk that this won't happen and she really has no romantic intentions ever again for me and she will start seeing someone else (even though she says she doesn't want anything like that right now, she needs to just have fun with friends and be happy with life first). If she starts seeing someone else (especially if he is an awesome person) this will destroy me again, I can't stand the thought of someone else sharing anything intimate with her, when I so want that to be me. But in the end I do just want her to be happy. Then again if he turns out to be a jerk, and I'm not a psychotic ex, but *honestly* a real best friend who she can talk to, sometimes I think this could re-kindle the spark. Is that too manipulative?
I know if I stay in contact I'm just giving her the cake and letting her eat it, letting her get all the benefits of still having me in her life (I feel like I am still doing all the things a boyfriend does but not being called a boyfriend) but letting her still have the freedom to "cheat" on me. Friends say I shouldn't waste my time anymore, that's her problem to sort out what she wants, but if I bail, then that's just so typical, I want to show this girl I can be a decent person and really fight for her, *sigh* and back to square one I go.
This is a real mindjob, I don't know who or what to believe anymore. I'm going around and around in a vicious circle and I know it all depends on the people, what they're thinking and the situation, but it's killing me all the same. I just don't want to regret not trying hard enough, making the wrong choice and realising that she was "the one that got away". Am I being *too* understanding? Not understanding enough? Is it really meant to be this hard? I know it should be hard, it's the hard that makes it good and anything worthwhile is worth working at, but arrrghhhhh.......I thought it was only ever the ladies who over-analysed this stuff? :~(
Is there anyone out there who stayed in contact and it worked out or has it always had a negative effect?
Thanks for listening, much appreciated.
Edited 1/1/2006 4:06 am ET by ivillage_gnat

I don't have a lot of advice to offer, wish I could help you more. My best suggestion would be to ask for NC, but let her know it is not out of anger. I still have hopes of one day (way in the future) getting to a place where I can be friends with my ex so I didn't want to make NC an anger issue. I wrote him a letting go email, where I told him that I just can't handle the continued contact right now. Explained that I would be lying if I told him I was ready to be just friends. I wished him well and told him I wished him nothing but happiness in the future. He sent a polite response that he would miss me, but wished me well and has not contacted me since
I don't know if this helped, but know that we are here for you.
Ok here is my two cents..She is not into you..she has all these doubts and has ended it..so why keep wishing and hoping when you could be expending energy into a relationship with someone who wants you and has gets their sox knocked off..haaa...
You sound like a sensitive and kind person...stop worrying if this and what if that..
NC helps you detach and move on..since you afraid to move on then you will find NC hard..BUT you are clinging to the hope and dream she will come back.
My LD ended after 3.5 years..it's super hard to continue this type of life..my best wishes to you..